My Truth

[Meh]

Yes, Ami, I bet most of the people on here wish that they had understood their own problems at an earlier stage in life.

[Meh]

I may be at a point where I need to do more journaling off-line. I'm getting addicted to the internet.
I've lost my groove and space of processing I think when my relatives were acting out my mother's no-contact crisis.
I will probably still be reading some and eventually posting some.
I have to go deeper into myself and also deal with the dam jury duty and taxes and well, the real world.
I might as well stop procrastinating.

See y'all later.

[Hopalong]

Good for you, Helen. That's a boundary too.

In case you're still catching up on this post, I had a response to

Maybe I need to reclarify my boundaries to myself. I still feel guilt sometimes. I think it is probably better to be angry then guilty.

I think the anger is useful if it's like a force that can unplug what's beneath it so that can flow through you and eventually empty. What anger's usually covering is hurt or fear. It sounds to me as though your mother is mostly hurtful...

The gift in the future will be when you experience a choice that transcends either anger or guilt, so you don't think in terms of having to choose between those two. Sometimes determined people (and you sure sound determined) can get past either anger or guilt or hurt or grief and find themselves in a place where the dominating emotion is more like compassion.

Cool compassion. Not hot with connection and yearning but just, from your safe distance, sorrow for your mother at all that she has missed, and pity for the forces she no doubt experienced (or inherited in her genes, or both) -- that created her warpedness.

When you're there, it will be all so beyond personal, it will neither hurt nor enrage nor frighten you. It will just be the way it is, or the way she was, and you will accept it all on its own terms.

luck,

Hops

[Ami]

Thanks for telling us, Helen. When one of my favorite Board members, Papillion,  disappeared, it was upsetting. I hope the Board will be here when and if you want to come back.God Willing, it will.Best Wishes as you go forward!!                 xxoo  Ami

[sKePTiKal]

All right... I'll miss you!

But I know very, very well the power of private journalling... trust your intuitions sweetie... sounds like they're spot on. The best place to release all that anger is a journal where you can SEE it and see the patterns in it... because anger is a double-edged sword and usually pullls along guilt, shame, embarrassment... with the expression of it. Anger is also our friend - because it tells us exactly where and what our boundaries are. But... don't forget to "touch base" here, every so often... tell us how it's going.

You don't need to do that part of the processing all by yourself. There's nothing bad about any of those feelings... and I've had worse daydreams than yours in church... but anything that has an aura of power to it can have a boomerang effect on one. Totally understand.

[Meh]

I was contemplating why I have so much difficulty "standing up for myself".
I'm noticing that I have a bubble of intense emotions and judgements that threatens to float up to the surface when I'm in a scenario where I need to stand up for myself.

I've come to the understanding that it's not because I am truly "weak", this too is an emotional pattern and "old FOO issue"

Self protection is a primal response and I do believe it is still in me somewhere. My body/psyche's natural responses have been immobilized.

Both my mother's boyfriend and my father did not like it when I did anything that remotely resembled "standing up for myself".



I think it is safe to say that some people do not feel the way I do when they have to stand up for themselves, on the contrary I believe that some people actually get pleasure from standing up for themselves. Some people do it with ease.

I personally have to fight against myself first before I can "fight against another person".

There is some self blocking there. Some form of unconscious self sabotaging behavior.

[Ami]

Dear Helen
 I think if you had an N parent, you cannot defend yourself very well b/c they demanded you didn't. Life was centered pleasing and catering to them. It was about hiding yourself under a rock ,never standing up , never having a solid identity.
 I think in order to change s/thing big like not being able to stand up for yourself, you need a soft place to fall .
 I had no guidance as a child and definately could not fail so I became frozen. If I moved right, my M would knife me. if I moved left ,she would knife me. It was a learned helplessness like the rat studies.
 I feel I can try new things now b/c I can fail and it is OK.         Ami

[Meh]

Ami: Your comment was reassuring to me, it led me to believe that there might be a sliver of possibility that I can better stand up for myself. I think that your comment probably holds a lot of accuracy in describing what we go through as kids. The learned helplessness. This idea of "learned helplessness" is something that I don't think I have considered much. I will look at it. Thank you. I do remember identifying with the dog that gets shocked repetitively every time he tries to step off of a platform, then at some point he doesn't try to get off the platform anymore.

[Meh]

More of "my stuff"........
I thought I was taking a break from posting.. I guess not...

I just recalled this scenario from my life: When I was in high school I was simultaneously in college. There was a high school class I was bombing and I wanted to drop it. I had to go to this high school administrator guy and request in person from him to grant the dropping of the class. So I was sitting in front of his big wood desk. He would not allow me to drop it, he seemed to think it would be some sort of learning experience for me. He said to me "It's ok to ask for help when you need help". He said it with this warmish kind of facial expression.

I remember this comment clearly. His comment about asking for help was like some sort of cattle prod that pushed through to some part of me. I'm not sure who he thought I was going to get help from. It was as if he was so confident that help was easily attainable. He said it as if all I had to do was open my mouth and squawk: “Help!  Help!”

I thought: "Wow, a person asks for help..and...and they get it? Really? That’s amazing!.....Yeah.... Whatever dude.”

I think I almost ended up failing that class, I did not get “help” with it.

Hearing his comment did not give me the key to getting help in life, but it did make me realize that for some people it is a lot easier for them to ask and receive help. That some people maybe expect to receive help. I realized that some people have others under them boosting them up to climb over the fences in life.

Sitting on the opposite side of his desk looking at him through my eyes I felt old, a lot older then him, because I thought I understood something that he did not. I understood my life, and he did not understand my life. My life was inconceivable to him.
My quiet perspective in my own little world. Who is this guy and what world is he from?

A Conundrum: So a part of me has necessarily become self-sufficient, and another part of me probably has "learned helplessness".
I'm digesting what this means to me....Hum...

What does this mean to me? What do I know about myself because of this.

[Ami]

More of "my stuff"........
I thought I was taking a break from posting.. I guess not...

I just recalled this scenario from my life: When I was in high school I was simultaneously in college. There was a high school class I was bombing and I wanted to drop it. I had to go to this high school administrator guy and request in person from him to grant the dropping of the class. So I was sitting in front of his big wood desk. He would not allow me to drop it, he seemed to think it would be some sort of learning experience for me. He said to me "It's ok to ask for help when you need help". He said it with this warmish kind of facial expression.

I remember this comment clearly. His comment about asking for help was like some sort of cattle prod that pushed through to some part of me. I'm not sure who he thought I was going to get help from. It was as if he was so confident that help was easily attainable. He said it as if all I had to do was open my mouth and squawk: “Help!  Help!”

I thought: "Wow, a person asks for help..and...and they get it? Really? That’s amazing!.....Yeah.... Whatever dude.”

I think I almost ended up failing that class, I did not get “help” with it.

Hearing his comment did not give me the key to getting help in life, but it did make me realize that for some people it is a lot easier for them to ask and receive help. That some people maybe expect to receive help. I realized that some people have others under them boosting them up to climb over the fences in life.

Sitting on the opposite side of his desk looking at him through my eyes I felt old, a lot older then him, because I thought I understood something that he did not. I understood my life, and he did not understand my life. My life was inconceivable to him.
My quiet perspective in my own little world. Who is this guy and what world is he from?

A Conundrum: So a part of me has necessarily become self-sufficient, and another part of me probably has "learned helplessness".
I'm digesting what this means to me....Hum...

What does this mean to me? What do I know about myself because of this.

You are some writer, Helen. You expressed my life  well---too old and too young!                 Ami

[Meh]

Re: AMI        Yeah, too old and too young. That is a good way to put it, I concur.

[Ami]

Re: AMI        Yeah, too old and too young. That is a good way to put it, I concur.

Yeah  I have so much depth and so much immaturity, at the same time.          Ami

[Meh]

A study just came out that lonely women are at higher risk for heart disease.

[Hopalong]

Hi Helen,

I think positive group experiences put paid to despair.

I think as organisms, as human animals, we thrive in community.

Have you read the book, Better OFF?

Never mind the extremity of what they did...but the community organism, I got that...

It was so healing to me to read about those rhythms, to understand what they do to the heart.

love,
Hops

[Ami]

I can see that lack of intimacy(emotional) would hurt the heart. When s/one says s/thing really sweet to me, my heart squeezes--something really warm, tender and loving.
  Have you ever had this?          Ami