My Truth

[Ami]

I am gonna share an experience I had. It does not necessitate a comment and I hope it does not intrude on your thought processes. I was having accupuncture. She put a needle in Stomach 36(I think). It was right near my belly button. It brought my energy to my solar plexus(gut).
 For three days after that ,I was centered. All my selves were in a working together order. I felt  wonderful and remember thinking I would not sell it for millions.I was "together".
 I have been centered at other points in my life but  a long time ago. I wanted to share that. No response back is needed.                            xxxooo  Ami

[Meh]

BRIGID/ BRIGIT

Is a celtic deity. She rules a variety of things including:
Creativity, Inspiration, Poetry, Healing, Medicine, Feminine Arts, Inventions, Love, Agriculture, wells.

I'm just putting this here, I suppose because I like the combo of things she represents also, Inspiration is something that I can't find. Instead I will be making some decisions out of fear, not out of inspiration or someother more positive thing.

I will be making decisions out of fear and that is MY reality.  
I suppose I hate myself for the shape of my life, the parts that are fear driven, the opinions that say it's bad to be fear driven.
Those opinions must be coming from people who are not living my life.

I AM ALLOWED TO BE FEAR DRIVEN if I need to be, it's important not bad.

There is a point where these insights and processing diverges too far from reality to be useful to me.

Sometimes life just is hard, sometimes life just sucks, sometimes life really does not have room for fun. That is how I got here in the first place.

I guess today I feel fearful. Fearful, angry and grumpy.


I'm thinking about my FEAR, what it is, what it feels like. It is sometimes a subtle stress. I think I've got too many things going on in my life.
I have the pressure of getting any old crappy job, and a screaming raging pressure from my essential self that wants a new life, something different. Yet, I've been told that I don't know what I want.

I'm just pissed. I'm pissed at my neighborhood, companies, cars driving by, I'm pissed at people in general today. I'm really f'ing grumpy.
My grumpy is reasonable when I look at it's source. It makes sense. Don't touch me! F*ck off! G-R-U-M-P-Y.

I don't know how many goddam interviews I have been on, I stopped counting, I have applied for hundreds of jobs.

I'm not going to start my own business as people are suggesting in newspapers and so forth. These stories, someone some where always has an easy answer and says that the answer should be easy. EASY. Well why the fuck is it easy for them because the circumstances are converging in such a way that it is doable for them. They are not some sort of superpowered geniuses.

GO F Yer self world.

[BonesMS]

BRIGID/ BRIGIT

Is a celtic deity. She rules a variety of things including:
Creativity, Inspiration, Poetry, Healing, Medicine, Feminine Arts, Inventions, Love, Agriculture, wells.

I'm just putting this here, I suppose because I like the combo of things she represents also, Inspiration is something that I can't find. Instead I will be making some decisions out of fear, not out of inspiration or someother more positive thing.

I will be making decisions out of fear and that is MY reality.  
I suppose I hate myself for the shape of my life, the parts that are fear driven, the opinions that say it's bad to be fear driven.
Those opinions must be coming from people who are not living my life.

I AM ALLOWED TO BE FEAR DRIVEN if I need to be, it's important not bad.

There is a point where these insights and processing diverges too far from reality to be useful to me.

Sometimes life just is hard, sometimes life just sucks, sometimes life really does not have room for fun. That is how I got here in the first place.

I guess today I feel fearful. Fearful, angry and grumpy.


I'm thinking about my FEAR, what it is, what it feels like. It is sometimes a subtle stress. I think I've got too many things going on in my life.
I have the pressure of getting any old crappy job, and a screaming raging pressure from my essential self that wants a new life, something different. Yet, I've been told that I don't know what I want.

I'm just pissed. I'm pissed at my neighborhood, companies, cars driving by, I'm pissed at people in general today. I'm really f'ing grumpy.
My grumpy is reasonable when I look at it's source. It makes sense. Don't touch me! F*ck off! G-R-U-M-P-Y.

I don't know how many goddam interviews I have been on, I stopped counting, I have applied for hundreds of jobs.

I'm not going to start my own business as people are suggesting in newspapers and so forth. These stories, someone some where always has an easy answer and says that the answer should be easy. EASY. Well why the fuck is it easy for them because the circumstances are converging in such a way that it is doable for them. They are not some sort of superpowered genuses.

GO F Yer self world.

I can relate to feeling F*-ing GRUMPY and dealing with applying for jobs, this economy, age discrimination, etc.!!!!!!

Bones

[Meh]

I could throw this f'ing computer...no I could throw a person on top of my computer. I want to rip the f'ing buttons off of my computer because I just erased the last thing that I wrote and now I don't think I can rewrite it... Ok I will get more coffee and come back to this.

Ah Sh*t, I don't want to write this again. I have these dumb keys that I accidentally push on my computer, not delete keys but page forward and back keys. They erase everything.

The REAL fear of being without a job vs. the REAL fear of having a spirit killing job.

They are two fears, two trains on the same track going straight for each other.
It's not just one fear to run away from, there is no place to run.

I hate social pressures they are invisible and REAL, and I can't kick at them.
I want to kick those people's heads off like soccerballs. Yeah, OK, you know what I have a lot of rage. I do. It is totally warrented rage. I should be angry. HATE HATE HATE HATE HARE KRISHNA HATE HATE

Did I say I want to toss those people into the fire place? How cruel is that!!

What on earth do I do with all this anger.. Don't answer that question..... I will figure it out.

The Why Bother Monster is jumping all over me today along with the FEAR spirit/monster.
What a winning combination, the devil would be proud.

I just applied for 17 jobs in the last few mins. that I would be qualified to do, not that my "Essential SELF" wants it. HA what a joke that is.
I'm thinking at the moment that this essential self stuff is only for the children of the rich and famous. That it is a way to sell self-help books and make motivational speakers rich.

Maybe I should talk to my depression directly. The depression monster. Maybe the depression monster is not a bad thing that is trying to ruin my life. Maybe it is trying to protect me in some really screwed up way. Nah, probably not.

All right listen up monsters, GO GET A JOB. Thats right, I'm bossing you around, no more playing monster games. GO get a job right now.
NO, shut up monsters....All of you start filling out forms. Yep here is the pen, no you do not have a PH D. Doesn't matter go unplug toilets or something. Did I ever tell you how good I am at using a plunger?

I really really really hate HATE... just HATE... Yeah HATE HATE HATE

Can I put that on my resume? I'm really really good at HATE.... being pissed off. It's a real talent I have.

Ok, no more. I'm stopping.

I did have something worthwhile to write but after I erased it I couldn't bring myself to rewriting it. Then I just fell into my HATE mantra.

What if there is no spiritual wisdom on this planet that applies to me? What if the Buddha was made for someone else?
What if Jesus and Mary and the sphinx were all devised by certain people for certain people.
There is no single person who has any kind of answer for me, no expert, no box to confess in, no professor. None.
So to all of them I flip the finger.

There has got to be something useful inside this RAGE, and DEPRESSION, sort of like poop can be used as manure to grow flowers and edible fruit.
There has got to be a swallowed diamond in this depression turd.

[Ami]

(((((Helen)))))))                                                  Ami

[BonesMS]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Helen)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

This is where a bataca would come in handy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bones

[Meh]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Helen)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

This is where a bataca would come in handy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bones

A bataca, is some sort of pretend weapon right? For sparing. Play fighting.

I saw some pirate swords for halloween.

[Meh]

(((((Helen)))))))                                                  Ami

(((((((((((((((  AMI  )))))))))))))))))))))))))

[sKePTiKal]

An idea:

s'pose essential self is the one responsible for "being"...
and that what you're calling "ego" is for "doing"...

and that you need BOTH to navigate life, find the "right" job, help essential self be happy, etc

and that all of us are always somewhere on a continuum between being all ego or essential self... all the time

I think it's "egos" real, serious job to take care of - parent it properly, if you will - the essential self riding wildly through the desert. Not to quench it's spirit... but to channel it... help it fulfill it's potential. Ego is the "how-to" person - Essential Self the "what I want" person... or part of oneself.

The breakdown in that relationship, is when what you're calling "ego" is well-schooled in and even unconsciously using the abusive ways of parenting that you've learned, chronologically growing up... on essential self. You are on the right track when you look at how "controlling" the ego is... and yes, fearful, too... that it might just be upstaged by essential self, who is likable, fun, charismatic...if allowed an expression in daily life. It's an amazing feeling, the first time you let essential self "out" into the world... and lo & behold... the response from other real life people isn't judgemental, condemning, or shaming... they smile back, enjoy you, and want to play... some more!

And some of us won't cringe or turn away... if essential Helen is angry, grumpy, full of frustration, either. Might as well express this too... as long as... you are expelling this... breaking the hold of that feelings spell on you... moving on. (It comes back, but never lasts quite as long the next time...)

Sending you good juju...

[BonesMS]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Helen)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

This is where a bataca would come in handy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bones

A bataca, is some sort of pretend weapon right? For sparing. Play fighting.

I saw some pirate swords for halloween.

A bataca is kinda of a padded bat.....a pillow with handles.  It's good to use to get frustrations out!

Bones

[Meh]

A perfect stranger took me out for burritos yesterday!   

This was after a neighbor came over and danced around in front of me like a dork....I guess in an attempt to cheer me up 

[Ami]

  Want to talk about it, Helen?                                      Ami

[Meh]

Want to talk about it, Helen?                                      Ami

I think I'm OK....I think.
I just got out of bed, having my first cup of coffee.

.

[Ami]

Ok Sweetie.                             Ami

[Meh]

Sending you good juju...

((((((( Phoenix )))))))))


((((((( Bones )))))))))))


((((((( Ami ))))))))))))


I'm OK, I'm ok with being angry I know that it's coming from a place of real loss, not just perceived loss.
I don't really "act" my anger out in the real world, I guess I just need to write about it if that is what I'm feeling.
Although I need to figure a more productive way to use it, it does help remind me to put things into perspective, and to let go of minor battles, knowing that my bigger battles are with myself.