My Truth

[Ami]

I will tell you what my guitar teacher says, Helen. It is "Ask the Normie?" ---- A PBS special. All the abnormal people call in and one normal person answers  the question       



                                                    

[Meh]

Sometimes when I describe my life to myself in my mind, it is someone else's description of my life and it usually contains unkind judgements.

I struggle between multiple descriptions of me that I have adopted from other people. This probably happens cus I didn't grow up with a strong sense of self. (Breathe here)

This above statement feels like the distillation of a field of flowers into a drop of perfume. I'm coming through to some sort of clarity.
I mean I already knew this in a way, but I know it even more now.





I don't know who I am and I MUST love myself nevertheless....

I must love all the parts of me, even the invisible parts?

I must love my darkness?

I must love the disintegrating self?

I must love change.

[Ami]

Yeah, Ami, that is it, I'm glad somebody understands cus it is so weird.

That simplifies it: "having shame when someone hurts you".

This is something I have to ruminate on. It's really important to me. I need to catch my shame.

I think as long as I realize it the feeling and then maybe not accepting the feeling.
Say to myself "Yes I feel shame but it is because of disfunctional family programming not because it is my fault, not because I am bad, not because I don't have a right to exist, not because I am to deny my suffering."

Yeah, something is coming full circle, I posted a while ago one night when I was just CRYING and I was saying to myself:

MY TEARS ARE REAL

It is slowly coming together making more and more and more sense.

I think all this processing is worth the effort sometimes.

Thanks Ami.

You GOT it! This is what my friend helps me with,just this kind of reasoning. I feel so happy that you made those connections. Thanks for sharing it, Helen.                                             

[Ami]

Sometimes when I describe my life to myself in my mind, it is someone else's description of my life and it usually contains unkind judgements.

I struggle between multiple descriptions of me that I have adopted from other people. This probably happens cus I didn't grow up with a strong sense of self. (Breathe here)

This above statement feels like the distillation of a field of flowers into a drop of perfume. I'm coming through to some sort of clarity.
I mean I already knew this in a way, but I know it even more now.





I don't know who I am and I MUST love myself nevertheless....

I must love all the parts of me, even the invisible parts?

I must love my darkness?

I must love the disintegrating self?

I must love change.

I think you are going from the intellectual to the emotional, from the head to the heart. Alice says that when we can FEEL, we can heal. You might be starting to FEEL. I am just starting to FEEL.  Disregard this if it interferes with your processing.You don't need to reply to me.                                Ami

[Meh]

I have shame when I am harmed.

This clarifies something beautifully. Thanks Ami


I have shame when I am harmed. Its cus the harmers blame us for their abuse.
Its the whole abuser blaming the victim thing.

The more I say it, look at it, think it, the more clear the whole picture gets, the lie.

Every day I see the lies a little more clearly. Every day I become a little more ME.

[Ami]

I have shame when I am harmed.

This clarifies something beautifully. Thanks Ami


I have shame when I am harmed. Its cus the harmers blame us for their abuse.
Its the whole abuser blaming the victim thing.

The more I say it, look at it, think it, the more clear the whole picture gets, the lie.

Every day I see the lies a little more clearly. Every day I become a little more ME.

 

[Meh]

I'm starting to identify this subtle shift this feeling during these moments when I start to "fake it". When I leave a little. When I kill myself a little. When I die a little. When my consciousness goes somewhere to hide.

I'm thinking about that feeling, that shift and maybe the next time it happens I can shift myself back, bring myself back from over the ledge, hoist myself back into my body.

I will notice that shift in the future and I will bring it back reel myself back in to center. To the core self.

It's solid.

All those little moments maybe are not as dangerous as my consciousness seems to think they are. ?

I will be there with my consciousness hang with it, chill with it, arm it with psychic weapons if need be.

Breathe.

I'm giving my consciousness the permission to come back, to dwell and live in this here imperfect body and imperfect life.

Complete permission, after all this is home.

[Meh]

The consciousness leaves I think so that we are not damaged in some way. Or because we have been damaged.

The thing is one is probably stronger, better able to draw upon our internal resources when the consciousness is not fleeing.

Me and my consciousness are gonna have a discusion about this soon. A heart to heart.

[Ami]

I'm starting to identify this subtle shift this feeling during these moments when I start to "fake it". When I leave a little. When I kill myself a little. When I die a little. When my consciousness goes somewhere to hide.

I'm thinking about that feeling, that shift and maybe the next time it happens I can shift myself back, bring myself back from over the ledge, hoist myself back into my body.

I will notice that shift in the future and I will bring it back reel myself back in to center. To the core self.

It's solid.

All those little moments maybe are not as dangerous as my consciousness seems to think they are. ?

I will be there with my consciousness hang with it, chill with it, arm it with psychic weapons if need be.

Breathe.

I'm giving my consciousness the permission to come back, to dwell and live in this here imperfect body and imperfect life.

Complete permission, after all this is home.

When I try to describe my love for my friend, I can't, but this is what he does for me. He brings me home. ((((((Helen))))))        

[Ami]

The consciousness leaves I think so that we are not damaged in some way. Or because we have been damaged.

The thing is one is probably stronger, better able to draw upon our internal resources when the consciousness is not fleeing.

Me and my consciousness are gonna have a discusion about this soon. A heart to heart.

You are going back in to your body!                                                                              


PS Wherever I go , people tell me I am beautiful. I think it is cuz I am finally going back in to my body.

[Meh]

Well, I think I pop in and out of my body regularly. I think I'm just starting to notice these certain moments when "I leave".
It's such a subtle feeling.


That is a blessing that your friend can do that for you Ami.

I have to do it for myself, a one woman army.

[Meh]

I'm giving myself permission to be strong.

Not stiff and uptight but really strong, and I love this feeling. It is sort of like this solidness I feel in my skin and some sort of concentration of mind and intelligence. I actually think I feel smarter when I give myself this permission. Maybe because I have more confidence in my decisions in these moments. At least that is what I'm telling myself.

I am not going to be weak to placate other people. No more. No more. That was yesterday, this is today.

[Meh]

I don't understand all that I have with him but whatever it is, it is breathing life in to my lifeless body and the same for him.
              xxoo   Ami

Sounds like a good thing you got there. Might as well enjoy it.

[Ami]

Thank you ((((Helen))))).  God loves us and gives us gifts. Look for yours. They are around the corner. In fact, I think you are being blessed with your new emerging self.                       xxxxooo   Ami

[sKePTiKal]

Helen means: sun ray; shining light... and I'm gonna add "laser beam" clarity.

Kiddo, I'm going to TRY not to respond to anything specifically you've written, 'coz it's all really your "Truth" (even tho' mine is similar)... like the title of your thread. But I do want you to know that I'm in awe of your ability to reach right into topics and pull out the very nugget of golden truth in each one... even the stuck-on inadequate definitions of "depression" itself. You don't waste time... or get distracted... or hung up along the way to the "nugget". Speed of light. "Helen" is the antithesis of "depression". That's probably just a disguise - a defense mechanism - a way of keeping "Helen" safe from whatever rudeness, meanness, or abusive intentions have been lobbed at you, over the years. Put simply: depression isn't "who you are"... not necessarily part of your DNA...

I see you assembling a toolbox of truths and insights, the supplies you need to begin "creating" a way to your "Essential Self". I've read a lot of really good ideas and creative, sensitive, high-level thinking... I hear emotional energy building...I think you're probably well on your way, already... but this kind of progress usually doesn't manifest itself visibly, and doesn't "announce" itself, until awhile after it's "established".

OH... and I think there is such a thing as real happiness; joy. I think you know that too... and that's why the "fake" version is so f'ing irritating... feeling/being our real emotions makes others uncomfortable, sometimes and they want to cajole us out of it - but hey, that's THEIR problem. When we're grumpy - we're grumpy; so what? We'll get over it... in time. But there is a "phase", of getting to know those emotions all over again - and that includes the positive ones, too, at some point. That requires immersion in them. And it's IMPORTANT.

I think technically, "depression" is when you don't really feel anything or the range of feeling is restricted; shrunk down to some teeny tiny, limited, "night of the midnight sun" continuum. You're on the path of growing that continuum bigger, I think.

OK, I failed my own intention again!     I got into specifics!
10 lashes with a wet noodle for me from the smurf-brigade!! And jeez, I hope my obeservations are right... or at least close.

Sorry bout that... I'll shut up now... and await the next installment.

(((Helen)))