If this guy had liked me, he would have wanted to make me happy, right? Attempt to make the one they like happy.
See the first day I met him he seemed like he didn't want to go, he seemed like he didn't want to leave me. He just stood there when we were saying goodbye and I had to wave him off. GOOD BYE!
I mean how is a women to know if she is a number, a point, a score on a pinball machine, a foot ball game, a touch down, a win, a kill, a notch on the belt, a head on the wall, a bragging right, a tally, a number in a little book, a boast. What is so annoying about games? Games come in boxes or I guess exist on artificially manicured lawns. They have lots of arbitrary rules and someone always wins and someone always loses.
Suppose that is my main point. I don't want to lose. I know it's sort of idealistic but I honest to God don't think that someone has always got to lose.
I'm gonna let this go pretty soon I swear. The thing is, I feel like I coulda handled this guy differently. He was getting on my nerves though so I decided to stop playing with him. Thats right he got on my nerves, now I remember. See I can make up a whole thing in my own head about a guy. I do ask myself and wonder if there is anything I could have done, like maybe I could have sneakily converted him into a nice guy.
No person is perfect, I know that. Men are all fixer-upers. Hey, aren't we all fixer uppers?!!! Ha Ha Ha
I think this is probably unlikely, people are who they are. When I think about the guys I know, what you see is what you get minus the charm.
Take the charm away and that is what you get, the guy.
There might be crampons on my feet, punching my icepick into a blue glacier trying to get up to the top of Mr. Everest...this reality is closer then me smelling homemade apple-banana-blueberry pancakes first thing in the morning and having someone to share it with.
Pancakes, it's simple but it's as elusive as the end of the rainbow, no that is not correct. I have been at the end of rainbows before, I guess the sun was at the right angle. I have been at the ephemeral end of the rainbow.
Are there not any guys that want this also? Just someone to have "simple pleasures" with. All the guys I ever met want to be Hugh Hefner, want mansions and a harem of women wandering around doe-eyed like a menagerie zoo of women. Some guys have been dumb enough to think I would be part of their menagerie. "Nah-uuuh. No, see you don't know me man, cus I ain't that".Somewhere over the F'in rainbow that is where my man would be.
I am gonna let this all go and move on soon. When a person comes along it's as if they are that "Spark" as in the song "Dancing in the Dark" that changes something that wakes me up. Like hey, I do have a body! Imagine that.
I'm lonely. I guess I can stop writing this fact cus, I'm gonna be lonely for the next few days, next few weeks, next few years, probably until the day that I die. You know sometimes I lay in bed at night and I pray to god, I say "just let me die already".
I'm currently overhearing a conversation this man is having, he has the habit of saying very offensive things about women in front of women and then he says "No offense to your gender". And the women are all like: "he he, that's ok."
