Hi All,
Hops, Helen, GS, Ami and Amber...Thanks I am reading and will respond later.
I'm unclear these days, my thoughts are random, all of me that is most of me (just how it feels) is my heart, it is overtaking my thoughts.
Last night I had pain through the entire night, darkness, just as I wanted to get up, finding a way to run and get out of it, I'd push myself through, sinking into the pain as if it was my best friend. I've done this in the past, when I was overcoming other wounds, especially the wounds abandonment, curled up pushing myself to just take one more minute and then another before I attempt to master it by coping or running.
Then, after pushing myself through the stabbing pain, came the deep insights, the story that "little lise" wants to share.
This morning her story was a story of autonomy and belittlement. She is in rage, her fists are clenched in her desire for a sense of power over what in her being she cannot have power over, her mother - powerless in her struggle to master her pain and powerless in her struggle to be seen, heard and comforted. She feels intense humiliation at the belittlement. She feels anxiety for having rage towards Nmom.
There is a friend of mine who has been in my thoughts, so I asked myself why I keep thinking about her. It finally came to me that this woman friend has belittled me for a very long time, I feel under her in spirituality/ profession/education and if I dare to grow or be someone it threatens her. That sounds exactly like the N mother child dynamic. Although this friend of mine is not an N, just a very strong woman with some deep fears and insecurities, like all of us. Her belittlement has pushed some buttons recently. Instead of seeing her as someone that wants me to be out of my prison of self I think that deep in this woman, in her unconscious, she wants me to stay oppressed, but she is just unaware of her fears, yet. I have always felt anxious around this woman, she frightens me more than I feel a sense of love and warmth. But I do like her too, I like her strengths.
So back to belittlement, I feel oppressed, I feel angry and my chest feels like it is going to burst in rage. So I have to push myself back down into the pain rather than trying to force the oppressive force (Nmom) out of my life with rage. This going to be a dark tunnel, I feel oppressed financially, I feel oppressed in judgement and coldness. I feel unable to live in the freedom of even my own pain , the pain of belittlement stabs, it burns, it feel excruciating, it is a crucifixion of my ego, the death of the aggressive spirit in me that wants, needs and grabs.
Detachment...letting go of something that I could never have.