This evening I was led into reflection about this board and what brought me here. Over two years ago I was in a NT relationship that was confusing. After many months of pain and confusion, listening to my intuition I started researching NPD and other disorders. I learned about myself but I also learned to stop blaming myself for the dysfunction of the NT relationship, a relationship that was confusing reality because I was buying a lie of their reality. The story is on the board in the story sections. However, I am going to take it down as a sign of my moving on.
My encounter with the NT was my first that I can speak of in really knowing someone with high N tendencies. It triggered the pain of my NM which I was quick to see having already spent many years in therapy as well as 12 step. But what I had not done, from the depths of my heart was forgive my mother or forgive a lot of people of past in life, including God and myself. It became clear to me, after the pain was UP, that God had put that NT person in my life for deeper healing, for me to learn a deeper level of forgiveness, one that at the time I had no idea existed.
For months and months I used the dynamics between the NT and myself to help unravel the wounds of my NM. At time the NT was still acting out her revenge on me, hits would come, triggering more pain. Processing the old pain was giving me insight to understand the T as well as a heart to push through my hatred which was old, stubborn, extremely painful hatred.
What a process it all was, it when on and on and on. I never thought that there would come a day when I would be able to visualize myself in the presence of the NT without feeling hatred. But, then, that day, day of being able to visualize love and acceptance finally came. Today, I am past the NT, just in reflexion, trying to make more sense of it as well as see the progress so that I don't get stuck in a recycle.
There were so many other wounds along the way, when we are maligned by an N, they get others to work for them, doing their dirty work with relational aggression. There were so many slings and arrows, constantly. These days I am reaching for forgiveness of those that failed to see the N and that acted on her lies. One of the other dynamics that has recently triggered the buried frustration of baby rage in me.
There is just much frustration in my heart, it hurts but I am seeing more clearly the truth that I cannot change the past and that I too have wounded many people in my life which always makes it easier to forgive.
I've carried a level of contempt in my heart over the years for people who have not had to suffer much. Those with very little wounding in childhood, who were raised in stable loving homes. I have envy for them, their stability and ability to move through life without so much shame and dysfunction. I'm trying to get under this envy, dissect it and find a resolution for it. I tell myself to be happy for them that they have not had to suffer. But I think the real envy is about that they get good recognition in life (even though I feel I have done more self introspection) where I get the bad recognition for being dysfunctional in depression or social anxiety.
What is really going on above in what I wrote is the baby need for someone to recognize her pain and reward her as well as just that plain and simple need for recognition that we need as children. Here comes another layer of grief.
It helps me to list the things that are in me that I'm clinging to to see what needs to be let go of:
Desires for recognition
Desires for understanding
Desires for praise
Desires for empathy
Desires for comfort and security (not being rejected)
Desires for honor...to be seen as precious and special, to be seen as the glorious little baby that know one ever looked at with spark of love.
What amazes me is that I still have these needs kicking and alive in me. I have taken them to the cross of just letting them die more than I can even count. Much has died and I can know that at times just in my responses to life...less envy....way less sorrow for the success of other, more joy at the good for others, much more sincere joy.
Up until I met the NT I had never, honestly, ever had an envy problem. There was a time in my life, in my early twenties when I felt really insecure and easily threatened by others success or just qualities. But, then, all shifted for me when I started living from my heart and healing. I can look back now and see much joy in my life, many friendships and a full acceptance of just being and average person living an average life.
When the NT came into my world I found envy in my heart...it was confusing because I was normally not envious but rather an admirer of others (that is why the NT liked me so much)...the envy I found in myself took a long time to manifest itself. Today, with hindsight I can see that the envy was a provoked envy, just like the video of N's that N's constantly hang out themselves to be viewed and admired. They bug us with so much bragging and acting. It took a long time, years, for me to start feeling bugged by her because my heart was so good. I started being bugged by the NT when I felt pushed down by her, my gifts and talents, as well as her telling me that I was not ready to receive recognition for my talents because of my pride. That was true but it was I who pointed that out to her. It was always so confusing. I was trying to slay my ego with an NT and she was making me feel wrong for it. Anyway...recycles there. Just tying to get clarity because the NT's in their envy push envy onto you, by taking it ALL. I'm just still trying to wipe the mud off my face.
The good that comes out of it is learning to slay the envy that gets evoked in us. Wow...that has been where I am, learning to trust in the inner strength of my own goodness and just have faith in the goodness of life.
Progress....not perfection.
For the last few months I have been in a state of trauma and still am on some levels. But now I am going back to my suffering to ease the negative ways that I have been coping.
I am afraid, I feel right back where I started two years ago; I know that I have made progress but I am still in self, in ways that I feel hopeless about, at times. I feel that unless I am perfect I will not be acceptable or wanted. Old tapes. My goal all along has been to just accept myself and want myself.
Just rambling here no need to respond unless moved. I just needed to write tonight.
Lise