Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > What Helps?

Has anyone dealt with a narcicistic relationship?

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Stormchild:
Hi Leslie

Try posting this on the other board, there are a lot more of us looking in on that one all the time, you will get a lot of helpful responses. I've never been married, so I won't be a lot of help but believe me, there are several people going through something very similar to you right now. Please do post over there, and best of luck to you. You're not alone.

Moira:
Hi- I'm new to this forum- have done extensive research on narcissists esp. in conjunction with sex addiction. I've just ended a 1 yr. live in relarinship with  N. Began with a bang, very intense, " you're so different from other women, you understand me, you're my soulmate". Within several months I was labeled " crazy, delusional, psychotic, a liar, vindictive and trying to destroy me, not recognizing my hard work in therapy etc". Crazy making behaviour worthy of a 6 yr. old. constant belittling, verbal abuse, pathological lying, denial and much time spent on his part manufacturing " evidence" to support his lies ". He constantly called my shrink and left such messages- " she has to be psychotic to have kicked me out without warning, no place to go, no money". I should mention I am a nurse with 20 yrs. experience working in psychiatry and I also am bipolar. My illness was the biggest hook sucking me in. I've always had difficulty finding a man who will understand my illness, accept it and be supportive. He knew that and said he " understood and would stand by me because I have depression and it's ruined my career and all my relationships". I was vulnerable and fragile. He exploited that to obtain me as his N. supply. I fee extremely angry and guilty with myself that although I can spot a N from a million miles away professionally, I allowed myself to enter this relationship- I should say it never was a relationship, rather his mimicing emotions and love. I'm now in a co dependent support group and hope I will find the strength to both heal and learn to recognize abusive men so as to aviod repeating this mistake. I kicked my N. out a few weeks ago after his promising 2 months ago he would find his own place- then absolutely no effort. He is a sex addict- I am the first and only person in his life- he's 52 and this has beein ongoing since 15- to discover this. He spends countless hours on the internet with cybersex, sex chat room, belongs to at least 6 sex chat phone lines, spends my money on financing all this. He has history of hookers, escorts, strippers, teenagers and other vulnerable women. He prefers masturbation to sex with real women. There were weeks and months with no sex, no touching. His excuse was he was depressed and not interested and he was impotent due to his antidepressants. He got Viagra and used it not for our sex life, but to continue his endless masturbation. There were periods of intense sex- short lived. There were, more often than not, many nights of his being sexually sadistic- would start to make love- my term, not his- and then when I was aroused, he'd smile and say " not tonight" and roll over- even though he was aroused and had an erection. He constantly berated me on my age- had never had relationship with a woman his age as opposed to being at least 20 yrs. younger, and I was too thin- read " not 19 yr. old blonde with big tits". The last straw was when I recently discovered he'd been using my bank account to pay for his addiction. He has now discovered NA and found a new group of people to exploit. He is in a rehab centre and won't have to find his own place for a yr, they are supporting him financially. He has stopped all contact with me and I hope this is it. Do you think I have sufficently made it clear this is all over with no chance of reconciliation or will he resurface if only to attempt to continue the abuse or get something from me? ..Moira

hojamess:
Hi, I think my husband of 30 years has very strong narcisstic tendencies because he just can't understand my feelings about so many things - it seems that every thing to him is just fact - no emotional attachment at all.  In regards to intimacy, all that mattered to him was what he wanted with no regard of my feelings, physical or emotional.  He's very insecure but doesn't really realize it.  Since we married, I've tried to be very supportive, encouraging, and patient with him for his work, even though I badly needed support to help raise the children, but his work always dominated everything because he had to look good to his peers and his neighbors.  I'm so tired of being so low on his priority list.  I  really don't know what to do.

mudpuppy:
Hi hojamess and Moira,

I'm probably not the guy to answer your posts but I ould encourage you to post on the main board here.
This one is pretty inactive. You'll get a lot more help on the other one.

mudpup

Debbie:
I have been with this man for six years, off and on, if I don't do as he says he will kick me out of the home, in his mind he owns everything including me. In swears like a mad man, calling me every flith known to man, he smashes and breaks my belongings. He is always right, I have tried and tried to reason with him but nothing I say or do is right. He will kick me out with no where to go and no money, I am to serve him 100%, he continually wants me to tell him how wonderful he is but in actuality he is a selfish, self centred, manipulating, controlling PIG. He always threatens me with other woman, he is seductive and very charming, his life revolves around his possessions and wants more and more possessions all the time. Everything is huge, the biggest the best, he can't afford a fraction of what he has but keeps borrowing more money, he lives in a Grandiose world not really wanting anything that he wants but insists that family, neighbors, firends all see how successful he is. He will have sex with anyone that is even remotely attractive and will tell me that it is nothing, that it is equanliant to Masturbating, he says he is faithful and devoted, yet can just crawl out of bed with a whore. In his mind the whole world evolves around him. He controls all the money, our home and everything in it belongs to him. He is very suspicious and jealous of whom I may talk to who. When raging he will grab me throw me on the floor, pull my hair, spit on me and when he throws me out of the house, when I try to make a small bag he beocmes even more enraged. In the past six years he has thrown me out of the house over a hundred times, changes locks on the doors, belittles and wants me totally dependent on him. He has told me that he is the King, and we live in his Kingdom, the reason I get thrown out is because I am not a Loyal servant. I am his 4th Wife, in each marriage, he has been with multiple partners while all wives have been faithful and devoted. When there is no one else around, he cries, actually cries, gets on his knees and begs me not to leave him, promises change and promises to get help, he never follows through with anything. He takes Holidays by himself and leaves me at home as I would only wreck his holiday.
As horrible as this man is, he can be wonderful and gentle but only for a short time. He beleives that all his ex's are in Love with him and that woman would be lined up at the driveway to be with him. He dresses like a Cowboy that's the new image as woman love Cowboys and really plays that role. He can go from a very together man to a 6 year old child throwing a tantrum. In our marriage he had me sign papers signing over all our property to him and signing away my dower rights.
I have left him once again, I left with some old furniture as he owns all, he is Arizona right now with the Huge brand new 5th wheel  camper that we bought for holidaying, he is on another Whore Tour, he has his Mother sitting in our home house guarding while he is on his month's vacation. He tries to convince people that I am crazy and that I am possessed by Satan, only he could have put up with me for so long, no one else would have been able to acheive what he has. He treats my kids like they are nothing. I was not even in his Will, yet in his mind, he has given me everything. It is extremely hard to break free from the control and the bondage that this person has over me. My heart is broken, I have cried a million tears, he has no empathy or conscience. Whatever enters his mind, he feels righteous in acting upon it, and each and everytime I am blamed for making him do it. He also is a drinker, but the alcohol is not the cause it only makes it that much easier for his pants to slide off and the abuse can be maybe a little more critical.
As nice as this man can be he is not a nice person. Everything that is important to me he has poisoned nothing is sacred to him.
I am so hurt and in so much pain, I really do miss the nice guy because there really is a nice guy, I am terrified of the other guy, there have been times when I have gotten out in the middle of the night in barefeet and a nightgown so frightened, and we live out on a farm in the country.
He wanted sex all the time but as soon as he was done screwing me, he could actually throw me on the floor like an unwanted whore.
Like I said, I am no longer with him, but the hurt is huge, the whole in my heart and the grieving is a slow process.
It makes it even more difficult when he parades around like a tramp.
He will follow me in my vehicle, phone and leave stupid messages, I don't talk to him.
Is he done with me yet???? Or he is only done until the next woman leaves him or until that blows up in his face??? He still has contact to some degree with all his other wives because he thinks that at any time they would toss out their husbands to be with him.
I am involved with a Narcissist, don't ever get involved with one!!!!!!
I knew all this before I married him - All - and married him anyway, he convinced me to and yet I did it anyway. I am not a kid, I am 51 years old and still did this, BEWARE  of the narcissist, they are unlike anyone I have ever encountered.

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