I feel like Bill Murray in GroundHog Day...

[polymath]

Every day is the same, lost in the fog of myself. Always in a hurry to get to the next moment, like a merry-go-round in my head. Like walking past the TV, reaching down to turn it off and missing the switch because I'm focused on getting back to type this post. A fire in the kitchen would've frustrated me since it kept me from getting back to type.

Always looking at my own body, head down, scratching my head or rubbing my hands to remind myself I exist. Staring at other human beings, lost in their face, looking for acceptance and recognition I never got. Keeping the focus on others because I'm empty inside, devoid of facial expression or energy. Keeping the focus on others with nosy questions, stupid questions, that cross their boundaries, leaving them feeling violated and turned off. Anxious and nervous about the whole situation. Turned inside out.

It's like I shut down as a small child because I learned my universe (mother) was unsafe and unstable. The energy and vitality of youth is fading and so is the energy to navigate the world. I watch other people and they have this energy from within, eyes continuously moving, taking in their surroundings and managing relationships with family, friends, and co-workers while I work over-time to avoid people, averting my eyes, deathly afraid I'll blurt out something stupid to gain attention. It works when your 5, or 15 trying to get laid, but not 37. I am just consumed with the negative energy I put off, and always have.

Yesterday my therapist talked about the permanent damage suicide does to the children, they NEVER get over it. Whats the damn difference? I'm here in body only.

The ultimate irony of the situation is, each of you who will respond mean well but you have your own problems. The world, whatever that means, CANT  take the problem away. Typing and talking about it doesn't get to the root, and I'm beginning to realize nothing does. Some of us were just born to two people that had no business having kids. They put their dysfunctional fear into us and we get to deal with it. All the psychobabble can't change a situation that has been going on since the beginning of recorded history. If a child is robbed of his childhood, that child's conciousness is negatively affected to one degree or another.

Anyway, enough RS pity party. Still hanging in, just not sure how long.

RS

[Ami]

RS, I know that your thinking seems  "right" to you but I hope you endure long enough to see that some of how you percieve yourself is not as it is.
 Have you ever been on the Alice Miller website or read any of her books?
 She is the ultimate therapist(IME) for abused kids(now adults)
 Read some of James posts. He came on here struggling so badly. He introduced me to Alice Miller.
 When he was as low as you are, Alice Miller was all he had to pull him through really dark times.
 Sweetie, just live THIS day, that is all. That is enough.                  xxx Ami
 
 
 

[CB123]

RS,

I sometimes wonder if we grow up thinking that the rest of the world is normal--normal families, normal moms and dads--and that we are one of the select few that drew the dysfunctional family to grow up in.

I think that most people grew up in very dysfunctional situations.  In my job, I am somehow privy to  a LOT of family dynamics in my staff.  I see their interactions with mothers, fathers, siblings, spouses, children.  Oh my goodness.  Everyone is trying to make sense out of life while carrying a mountain of crazy history.  I dont see any exceptions.  Some do better than others at looking "normal".

I think the mistake is probably in thinking that not having a "normal" growing up somehow dooms us to never getting it.  I figure that if everyone is struggling, then the key to life can't be a perfect beginning!

Groundhog Day sounds about right...but remember, in the end, Bill Murray did grow into someone rather fine.

CB

[polymath]

Thanks, I'll get into Alice Miller.

I don't think most people grew up in dysfunction. The 'normal familiies' I got involved with as a teen, searching for normalcy, had a mother and father who's focus was on each other, their work, hobbies, friends, education etc. There secondary focus was on their children. It was a mix where the adults did their thing and when the children entered their world for recognition they had the ability to give it for just the right amount of time most of the time then go back to what they were doing. They could juggle different activities without obsessing about one.

Of course, there were disagreements and tight times but they didn't cause the adults to stop cold and just give up. The had an internal force pushing them forward. The ones born into the other family get to manage the crap they experienced for the rest of their lives. My issue (here we go) is not a single person from the generation before me had the awareness and courage to step in and say, "you are killing that child by keeping him under your wing and if you don't do something about it, I will." Maybe I was just good at hiding the problem as a child because no kid wants their universe turned upside down, but still. No aunts, uncles, coaches, teachers stepped in and said, "something just doesn't feel right with this kid".

[Ami]

I know what you mean about adults not stepping in. No one in my extended family did either. My F was like another kid when my M raged and abused. You are right to feel abandoned . You WERE!
 Alice Miller is the advocate of the abused child in us. That is why she is so  different than most "therapists" . Readers Mail is good. I have written 3 letters to her.
         Ami

[sKePTiKal]

Maybe I was just good at hiding the problem as a child because no kid wants their universe turned upside down, but still. No aunts, uncles, coaches, teachers stepped in and said, "something just doesn't feel right with this kid".

ah... nice description of voicelessness!

Isolation and abandonment are tough holes to be in. No light, no air... no visible ways out. But there IS a way out - and you will find your own McGyver method... this is just the beginning... where you're looking for tools.

And, we care enough to help you FIND those tools to make good your escape, dear. They are right within you. And it's no different for a guy than it is for women - not this part.

[polymath]

Phoenix,

I'm having a hard time believing the 'no difference in men and women on this part' but I'll hang my hat on that for awhile. Thanks