Blackie/Whitie

[Ami]

 I bet I am not the only one with two "girls"(men are included ,too.)
 Blackie is not bad or wild just fun, strong and, most importantly, has boundaries.
Whitie  has lots of secrets.She keeps them in a space inside so know one will see. When bad seeps out "Who do you think you are?' comes down from the sky  and knocks Whitie in to oblivion.
 


 

[Ami]

Whitie has been in a bad marriage for  years but  can't get out. Whitie worries she is  too  incompetent and  will become road kill.
 Blackie CAN fight but is never sure WHEN so has to wait until hit with a nuclear  to figure it out.

[Ami]

 You have to fight for self respect,stand.
 That is Blackies first rule.
  People try to take it but they can't . It is like virginity .You give it . The NM raped us  but  AFTER that we don't have to KEEP being raped --do we?

 
 

[seasons]

Dear Ami,

Wow, lot to digest.

"I" feel you are spilling over, your cup of lies are full and overflowing, overflowing with your innerself, complete raw truths.

Whitie has been in a bad marriage for  years but  can't get out. Whitie worries she is  too  incompetent and  will become road kill.
 Blackie CAN fight but is never sure WHEN so has to wait until hit with a nuclear  to figure it out.

This is no suprise to me, I feel you have expressed your relationship in between the lines.

You feel stuck, safe as you know the bad, whitie knows what to expect day to day, month to month?

Letting myself seep up your wounds, slowly.

Much soft comfort sent to your way. The boulder has shattered,  and maybe a bit freeing for you (hope). seasons xo

[Ami]

I love you, Seasons  . I am humbled to be your friend!                      Ami

[Ami]

Blackie has boundaries.They  make you a PERSON  not some amorphous blob with a smiling face
 Today , I thought the waitress was thinking I was weird and I had a panic attack.  Weird would make me ostracized, apart from the group.
 The group, my family. It left me  sprawled  on the ground like war dead  with blood running down my mouth.

[Ami]

I thought I was great because I had body boundaries. My GM saved ny sanity so I owed her  the one thing she wanted of me. Body boundaries--so whoopie much when I sold the rest of it. Lord Forgive Me for selling everything but that.

[Sealynx]

Hi Ami,
My Blackie moves in fits and starts, trying a new direction every day. While she surprises me with her boldness, the bravado comes from knowing she won't go far. Always a false start. My White hides from her a lot. She runs around in circles, her hands over her ears, shouting "what have you gotten me into now." My White wants safety and is willing to live in fear to get it. My Black wants change, any change will do. She fears that her road will end in an empty place without even a windmill to joust. White wants to say she is about peace and contentment but always at the core she finds the fear again. They run in endless circles around each other.

[Ami]

((((((Sealynx))))  Thank you for going on this road with me                             Ami

[HeartofPilgrimage]

Just curious, Ami --- how did you come up with the names "Blackie" and "Whitie" to describe this? And, what do those names mean to you?

Reading your post, I am reminded of the movie "The Three Faces of Eve" (No, I am NOT suggesting you have multiple personalities at all) where she named herself Eve White and Eve Black, and the "White" was the "good" compliant person and the "Black" was the seductress, etc. I'm wondering when you apply those names to the different aspects of yourself, are you judging one or the other as better? Or, is this just me reading something into what you are writing?

[Ami]

Dear (((Heart))))
 I was texting my friend and made an off color remark. I said ,"Blackie said that!" He said, "Blackie should come out more."
 I realized that Blackie is my BAD. I am finding that maybe she is human,not bad.
                          Ami

[HeartofPilgrimage]

It sounds like your friend has a good sense of humor and also accepts you as you are! Very encouraging to hear that you have a friend like that. And I'm also pleased to hear that you don't really see Blackie as "bad" and Whitie as "good" ... most of the things you wrote about "Blackie" I didn't see as bad, and many of the things you wrote about "Whitie" I didn't see as ... well, totally good either.

I think incorporating the extremes in our personalities (like Blackie and Whitie) is like riding a bicycle. If you can find the balance, you can ride this wild horse called life.

[HeartofPilgrimage]

P.S. I don't think you could totally do without what Whitie brings to your table ... I have those extremes too and I know I need both.

[Ami]

Twoapenny asked me about my repressed memory of my M. This memory came out while I was talking to my friend( a different one than I usually write about here) with whom I felt  safe. He is a person to whom you can take  deep pain  and he will sit with you .
 I started talking about how my M disgusted me. I had revulsion when I thought about her. He said 'What does the revulsion feel like?" I started feeling it and feeling it and then all of a sudden a movie screen opened in my mind. I saw my back as a little girl(maybe 3-5). My M put me down on the floor and started masturbating in front of me.
 I was IN the head of the little girl AND watching the scene at the same time from my adult vantage point.
 I felt her deliberate desire to shock me.
 My child's mind was saying,"I want to die. I want to die"
 My adult ,as I was watching ,knew that my child did not have words to describe what was happening --only feelings. My child was not verbal enough to do anything with this experience such as tell s/one.
 I have not remembered another one but once I was verbal I would HAVE told people I am quite sure so my M probably knew this
                    Ami
 

[Ami]

P.S. I don't think you could totally do without what Whitie brings to your table ... I have those extremes too and I know I need both.

Oh Yeah--ALL Blackie would be no good .
My friend gives me the closest to unconditional love I have ever gotten. The thing that is the best is that he sees me. Having an NM , you rarely ,if ever, were seen.
 When s/one sees me ,I cry. Helen saw me on her thread a few days ago and I cried.
 Do you feel seen by anyone, Heart,now or in the past?               Ami