Blackie/Whitie

[Ami]

 Maybe her husband wanted  to put Whitie away. Then he could look good with a crazy wife and POOR him.
 How can a person survive with this pain?
 It pushes out the edges in lumps like wild cellulite.
 Whitie wonders about other people.
What? Why? What if? What if not?
Blackie says," It is your OWN mental health you  worry about." Blackie doesn't put up with philosophical bullshit that goes nowhere.
Whitie could debate it, forever .


Whitie is kind of your typical female : overly concerned with others,cooking too much, gives the shirt off her back, caters to people's food and drink needs.


 

[Ami]

Whitie is thinking  of the people she will leave in her will. She would  give to  people who loved her  when she was in so much pain . She pulled on them like a dying person . They loved her for a reason known to God.


     Fears
 Whitie is under the water in fears.This is the place she needs to heal. Why so many fears? Is it all control so Whitie can be safe? Is it all because she was never safe?
 Whitie is afraid to look bad, to die, to get sick, to make a mistake, to be humiliated ,to not know what to do, to do the wrong thing, to have someone say"Who do you think you are?, to have someone be angry, to find out she is what her mother said she was ---BAD.


Whitie's worst fears are doctors and dentists. Whitie becomes catatonic
 She hopes to have  good emotional health one day but who knows?
 It's been a long time buried under this craziness.
 The docs and dents must be fear of dying. Dying looks bad. Sickness looks bad. Whitie feels she will die if she looks bad. Her identity will go down to zero and  she will dissolve in to molecules.
 You have to trust God a  lot to relax in to that one.I think it comes down to that for everyone whether they know it or not.Whitie was forced to know it.


 

[Sealynx]

My Black offers you a special dream helmet. It works every night to block confusion, allowing only the gentle guidance of the soul to fill your dreams.

[Ami]

My Black offers you a special dream helmet. It works every night to block confusion, allowing only the gentle guidance of the soul to fill your dreams.

Thank you, (((((Sealynx)))))                      Ami

[Ami]

Whitie had a wonderful breakfast--baked oatmeal with peaches ,blueberries , blackberries,strawberries  and brown sugar.The restaurant  owner was very friendly. Friendly is important but you have to be balanced with  another self who can take care of YOU. Is this not Life 101?????
 Whitie felt very friendly ,too. She realized  she had  an emerging self .

Once you see the wisdom of things you wonder WHY you didn't see it . Whitie has not graduated from any school anywhere  but she does have  the simple inkling that you must love yourself.
 It is in seed form .
 White is  really afraid when she declares progress. The big hand is  coming down to slap her. "Who do you think YOUOO are ? What are YOUOO so good about?"
  Whitie steps back a little and says,"This old thing."

Whitie is going on a trip in two weeks. She has not gone anyplace since the trips to her son's school for Parents Weekend.Whitie was bad then ,lost.
 After Scott's death, Whitie did not care about her husband anymore. It was a freedom, all feelings gone.Caring is a bondage that we enter  if we love someone . It's worth it if the someone cares for the real you a tiny bit.

Her husband could not see her but it worked out because she could not see herself.  Whitie was an empty space through which the wind blew.
 Thinking back,when WAS Whitie a person? When did she last  FEEL  in a real way ,when the feeling went  from her gut to her head and stayed there, no guilt holding it in a drowning man's grip.

Whitie has good memories when she was THERE.Being THERE was so much more important than the event. Whitie has taken exotic trips but was never there so what did it matter? She may as well have opened an encyclopedia while sitting on her bed.
 


 
 

[Ami]

Whities husband wants to go to counseling."NO more counseling" Whitie says.
 Whitie  learned through the school of hard knocks.
 I hope others are blessed with good therapists and good outcomes--AMEN.
 Whitie does have a D in Remedial Living ,though.
 

Whitie's last name is Smith and Blackie's is Van Bueren. When Blackie goes out she wears a black cashmere turtleneck,tight black jeans ,large gold hoops and high heeled black boots   Do you think someone would say,"Who do you think YOU are ?"
 

[Ami]

Blackie is not what you  think. She can go to church or a cocktail party and does NOT make a spectacle of herself.
 Blackie can say what needs to be said, though, and if it needs to be said in a loud voice, so be it.
 She is assertive ,not aggressive, and that is what Whitie respects.
 Whitie is a wimp, really. I hate to say it but it's true so why not. We are telling the truth.
 Whitie sold it , herself and everybody else. Who could respect that?
  Whitie's father was a wimp. He loved Whitie  but stand up---nein.
 

[Ami]

Whitie is an Alice Miller fanatic. Alice Miller says  wonderful things about how to get over abuse. It is  not about  disorder  this and therapeutic  that.
 It is  simple wisdom : trust yourself and  don't worship authority figures.
 Whitie  wrote Alice six letters; she published three and wrote back three.
 Alice talks about "Fear of the parent", putting authority figures above yourself ,trusting someone's judgment over your own.  If you are really bad like Whitie ,you trust everyone's.
 Blackie  told Whitie the same things  for years but Whitie would not listen.



 
  


 

[Ami]

This awful truth is coming to Whitie that everyone is alone . Whitie gave up facing truth at 14.
 Now, the mantra 'Truth" beckons to her . If Whitie wants to get well, follow truth.
  How did she get sick? Lies. So......
  She has a self help program .
  She forces herself to do everything she doesn't want .
  It sounds crazy but they are just normal things like  driving,having friends.
  Whitie tries to go forward and her mother's voice bellows until Whitie wants to run screaming.
  Whitie says she will never do it again but the next day she does.

[Ami]

Whitie has real talks with her friend,not  bazooka wars . He listens as if Whitie is a real person. He  remembers what Whitie has said as if Whitie is important.
 Whitie never loved anyone like this.
 Life  hurts Whitie. It intrudes on her like overgrown grass, the kind that comes with a guarantee "grow forever or your money back."
 People hurt her without doing anything.
 Every day,she pushes forward  and every day she feels war wounded. Sometimes,  a new  understanding will come and she hopes it is a victory of some sort.
 

[Ami]

Whitie feels  guilty because she doesn't have to work.
 Who would want Whitie's life?  
 Maybe, I am wrong.
 Her friend was the Quarterback on the football team and could learn effortlessly. He didn't have to hold on to his sanity like safety pins on a torn dress but has to work all the time .Who has it worse?
 We each have our path toward God. What else makes sense?


Whitie can't stop talking because she has been silent since she was 14.
 
 

[seasons]

Your doing a wonderful job.

I can see how honest you are.

(( a loving person with wounds that need to heal ))

To combine both?

So you don't have to work. Work in a building? Work at a computer? Work in the dirt? Titles, find your dreams, live them, work at what you love.

Find yourself so you can work. Work at getting better at?

Wow, so many beautiful enchanted dreams for you.

((whitie & blackie)) complement eachother, that's what I see.

love and support as you "work" on you, couldn't be more important!!!  seasons

[Ami]

I love you,((( Seasons))). Thank you for seeing me . I cried when I read your post.          xxoo  Ami

[Ami]

Whitie is too good , over the top .
 If Whitie is your friend , she is your FRIEND.
 It is not really because Whitie IS so good; it is because she is afraid she is BAD.
 BAD is tucked beneath an apron cooking a large meal for others.


Helen suggested Whitie was afraid she would hurt someone and Whitie quicly said "That's ridiculous". Whitie would have done that and quickly too.
 Whitie's biggest and worst lies are to herself.
 Whitie has been thinking about ALL the guilt she has and perhaps Helen is right .
 Perhaps, the BAD is part of this. There is a whole,long story of Whities mother having TB and almost dying. Whitie was told that again and again. Her M always had to feel good about herself or else.
 She had to make her mother feel good about herself or  hurtful things happened that made Whities gut ache.
 


I think Whitie is afraid if she is not self effacing she WILL kill someone.These  patterns DO stay with you forever demanding their pound of flesh.
 People dying of heart disease, cancer ,how much is  the pound of flesh exacting it's due?
 I don't even want to think about mental illness.

[Ami]

Whitie was not allowed to have her own gut,  mind,  identity. That would have been BAD.
Whitie could have her own body :that was it.
Whitie was good---SO F###ing  what?
Is she supposed to have a permanent gold star for life for THAT?