Blackie/Whitie

[Meh]

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Hi Ami,
Hi Whitie,

I have 100% confidence in your right to have feelings and needs.

A big desk in a writing room. Maybe some objects sitting on the desk, some pocket books?

....a silver fountain pen....with wells of ink colors....Black, Gray, Red, Pink, Orange, Crimson, Violet, White, Sepia....
Photo corners.... lockets....keys.....pages.....glue
Papers of different weights and colors....fancy Italian paper...

Can write them, rip them, cherish them, tack them to the wall, burn them....

The story books are always there you can write whatever you want in them, they belong to you and only you.

There are shelves, you can put them up on the shelf if you want, you can use the pages for TP if you want.

You can tuck the pages into your bra for safekeeping.


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[Ami]

Maybe Blackie will pull the tack out... just to see what happens...

What would someone who was BOTH Whitie & Blackie look like? Like mashed potatoes... if you blended them... what would stay from each one?

In due time, hopefully Blackie will make more than temporary appearances but their time table is their own.Thanks for your input, Amber.                          Ami
                                                                                              

[Ami]

X  O    X   O    X   O    X    O    X    O    X    O      X     O     X      O      X      O     X        O         X          O            X               O

Hi Ami,
Hi Whitie,

I have 100% confidence in your right to have feelings and needs.

A big desk in a writing room. Maybe some objects sitting on the desk, some pocket books?

....a silver fountain pen....with wells of ink colors....Black, Gray, Red, Pink, Orange, Crimson, Violet, White, Sepia....
Photo corners.... lockets....keys.....pages.....glue
Papers of different weights and colors....fancy Italian paper...

Can write them, rip them, cherish them, tack them to the wall, burn them....

The story books are always there you can write whatever you want in them, they belong to you and only you.

There are shelves, you can put them up on the shelf if you want, you can use the pages for TP if you want.

You can tuck the pages into your bra for safekeeping.


X  O    X   O    X   O    X    O    X    O    X    O      X     O     X      O      X      O     X        O         X          O            X               O

OHHHH!                                    xxxoooo  Ami

[Ami]

Whitie had an epiphany at dinner .She realized she is a person---DUH?
  What a crime an NM does to a child :rape, murder, extinction.I was nothing. Can you believe that?


I want to beat on my Mother, Why,Why ,Why?
 It is like a Greek tragedy, all the characters missing each other, missing themselves.
 I am glad I believe in God . He has the whole world in his hands and on a tiny spot on  earth, He has Whitie.


 

[Ami]

                  Whitie's Friend

 White never did anything with her friend that you could not do in broad daylight on a bench ---OK?
  If you are gonna judge,  stop reading.
  Whitie loves him  "once in a lifetime".
  She  asked people about "once in a lifetime".
  Her Aunt never had it . Her friend  did with her ex-husband(number 2).
  Whitie is not a risk taker but once in a lifetime is once on a lifetime. What can she say?
  Whitie  blossomed like a flower. Everyone says that. That can't believe it is actually Whitie, as radiant as she looks. It is not your usual falling in love.
  It is falling in love  in your deepest soul ,if you can imagine that.
  She really does not know what she is talking about other than trying to describe it the best she can.

Whitie wants to erase this . Whitie is moral .
Whitie was held together by safety pins and one BIGGIE was being good.She  is not gonna mess with that , fast.
When all else failed( and it did) , Whitie had her values.
Her inner  safety pins would have flown apart like metal in an MRI if Whitie strayed; (metal  explodes )
 Her guitar teacher told her about a girl whose necklace choked her to death in an MRI.
 Lord, I hope it was fast. Whitie wants to go fast, that is for sure.
 

 

 
  
 

[Ami]

                 Dinner with Rabbi and Wife

Last night, Whitie had dinner with the  rabbi and his wife, sushi .Whitie felt kind of different as if she  could be SELFISH. Perhaps, Whitie could  watch out for her own needs, not be  like  a Mother Teresa  on acid, taking care of the whole world.
  Maybe her mother was f##ked to the hilt with craziness. When a person is  familiar, they don't seem crazy.You know what I mean? Crazy is for other people, strangers, people you read about.
 She lived in a nice house, had music lessons, prepared for the SATs. How crazy is that? Her mother took care of her, doctor , dentist, braces, contacts,  shrinks. HOW could it have been CRAZY?

[Ami]

The rabbis wife told me a funny story.She is Spanish. He is Jewish. When she brought him home, her M was telling the relatives,in Spanish, that  he was Jewish, except she didn't use the Spanish word for Jewish but a word which sounds close but means  "f##ked up.
I had a beer ; she told me that her F was an alcoholic so she watches herself carefully . I said I do not want to become an alcoholic ,as an ending to my already wonderful life.
I told her I loved her ,in Spanish, and she said the same.
I misjudge woman, badly.

[Ami]

Whitie's armor has been  perfectionism. IF Whitie was perfect,people wouldn't get mad her.  
 Even in her guitar lesson, she sweats when new things come up like  relative minors.Everything is a judgment of whether  she is good or bad.
 Maybe, her armor could be her real self, facing her own shame and not giving it to others to juggle and give back to her ,sanitized.

[Meh]

Umm, Ami, I think I am a Mother Teresa on acid. 

[Ami]

Umm, Ami, I think I am a Mother Teresa on acid.  

Join the club   ,Helen. We can start chapters, the whole business.                                        

[Ami]

                              Whitie's Father

Today ,Whitie had the epiphany of epiphanies. It was about her father. He has Helen's" face on the back of his head". Thank you, Helen,brilliant as usual 
 My F is a  self effacing, soft spoken ,refined man .Everyone will tell you, he is a SAINT(capitals)
 I don't have  bad memories of him, a few little things.However, he would never stand up, nunca, nein. Sometimes, he would stand up for himself but not me. I could be eviscerated  in front of him, guts hanging, and he would  stand there. I never expected anything else.
 Why didn't I wonder,"What the HELL is wrong with him?". I didn't. It was just normal.
  
My epiphany was   from my friend, who said it a few weeks ago . He was born to write  like Thomas Wolfe or Shakespeare.
 He said, "Your father was the one who messed  with your reality not your mother." I argued that my F was a good F, pretty good anyway. I argued that my F was linear and my M was borderlinie.


I argued for two weeks until I saw it---boom.
 
 
 

[Ami]

Boom, my recurrent dreams, years and years of them. I was in different places, a bus terminal, subway station, a quaint New England down town, a hospital; he would never pick me up. I had various versions of trying to call him. Sometimes, my body would be so heavy that I could not move to find a phone.Sometimes, I would have a phone but my fingers would be too heavy to dial. Sometimes ,I would dial and no one would answer.
My other recurrent dream was that I could not SEE. I would be in various situations and could not see. I was  too ashamed to tell anyone so I pretended . Once I was driving a car and could not see.
I studied dream analysis in graduate school. Driving is moving forward.
 That was my life, trying to navigate  with no sight  
 

[Ami]

Whitie has diarrhea of the mouth, today. I know, gross, but Whitie is happy, kind of manic. Maybe she has a self ;she is singing .





Whitie is O.D ing on people. People ,everywhere , and Whities numbness is screaming but she is getting a sense that all this crazy stuff about being bad is bullshit.
 Tonight is the drinking group. Whitie is going to get a beer and just sit there.

[Ami]

Whitie had quite a day ,a-ha experiences by the jug full. . Something has opened  in Whitie. It is about her father. He was the one who distorted her reality because she trusted him. She thought he loved her more than  keeping the peace.  It should be written on his tombstone--He Kept The Peace, birth to death, amen.
Alice Miller is right. You must SEE that you were not loved or not loved enough to care a damn.
 I SEE it.
 I could not see  my father.That was what my dream was telling me. My friend said my Father was the stealth bomber, oh yeah.
 Today at the drinking group  I was talking about FOO patterns such as  marrying ten alcoholics and blaming them . Forgive the hyperbole.
 Two girls nodded and  seemed interested but the conversation bombed like a helium balloon that ran out of air , Most people can't deal with this stuff.It is "Hey ,have a  drink  ." Whitie is noticing a tolerance to alcohol. Whitie is gonna cut down.
  Whitie wants to live for the first time in a long time.

[Ami]

                                     Mother's Face

My mother's face is like the picture of Dorian Gray. He got younger.She got more gross. I hate to say it that way but it is true. She gets  more " hit over the head with a brick "looking as I SEE her. How could I have trusted her?
 Without  my father, I would have thought she was an idiot.  She hurt me to Kingdom Come but I KNEW she was an idiot.

 
 Do some parents teach you that you should love yourself , that you matter?
  My F told me to conform to the N, conform to the N, do it, do it like a crazy voice telling you to pull the trigger on yourself.
  That is the part in my story to which I was blind.
 His words were a suicide bomber in my brain--Just do it!
 I did.