Blackie/Whitie

[Ami]

                               Values
 N's hate beauty and sweetness, babies, puppies, love, warmth, kindness,. They like to take innocence and write big,black marks with indelible ink all over it--BAD, BAD,BAD
Whitie  wanted to be good and moral and still does. Is that stupid? too innocent?
Is it stupid to want to have integrity and character? Maybe ,it is stupid.Maybe, it is stupid for an adult to want that.
 My M's worse smirk was when I wanted that. Does that make sense?
 She deserved the biggest, baddest, most whorey girl.
 I know some girls in junior high who should have been her D. They would have punched her in the face for the smirk and the rest of it, big ,bad, black leather jackets,wild, not taking any shit. That is what Blackie wants to be in a refined version.
 

[Ami]

The Dorian Gray face hits a new level of grossness. Whitie almost can't stand it, the blank, dull look , the smirk.
 When she was younger and  healthier she could see it and as she got sicker she couldn't .
 It is  gross ;  a pile of snacks writhing ,piled up, hundreds, squirming.
 You want to exorcise it from your system with drinks, drugs, shopping,anything not to see it .
  When Blackie was around, Blackie KNEW this. That is why she was strong. She had to be for God's sakes.

Whitie wonders if she will ever get over this, pain in piles like the snakes, piles and piles. What Whitie wants is  simple.She wants to love herself, trust herself, have a few people to love ,who love her. Is that too much?
It doesn't sound like too much but it feels insurmountable ,  going up the mountain in a run down car, sputtering, dying :   praying  to make it go a few more miles.
 By the grace of God, you get over an NM.Maybe, you don't.That is possible, very possible.
 Maybe the hope for orphans of NM's is only in the next dimension.

 
 
 

[Ami]

Whitie feels  better , today . Yesterday had  lots of emotion, lots of SEEING.  Denial is the opposite of SEEING but SEEING is very,very hard.
 That is why people stay in denial, drinking themselves to death, drugging , weighing 500 pounds, shopping to the poorhouse, going in to debt  ,houses, cars, too many  wives ,lovers, running, running ,running ,more, more, more.
 It is pain :  raw ,hard,unrelenting pain.
 People in denial want to push you back :push, hard, shove, hurt,hurt,hurt have to,have to,have to. They can't SEE or they will fall apart. Ain't that the point? You have to fall apart or stay forever in the no man's land between reality and fantasy(and not a good fantasy,mind you)
  I am not  out, yet, not nearly.
 Money can't buy you getting out of denial. I wish it could. Clothes, make-up, bags, shoes, the rest, can't buy you what you need.
 Yes, by the grace of God you can heal from abuse and that is about it .

 
 

 

 

[Ami]

Whitie's H is gone for the day. He is not her problem. She has been dumb. She really thought a person could make it OK. It is stupid if you dissect it. You are with yourself 24/7. How can s/one come in and make it all better?
 We are sold a bill of goods with that one.
 She believed it with all the other dumb beliefs that are yet to surface.
 The hard thing is that  the  beliefs surfacing  hurt like Hell.
  If they stay buried they make you weird. If they come up, they hurt. Pick your poison.
  Whitie would rather heal . God sends  people to help or it would be impossible. Even Alice Miller says you need friends along the way.
  Pick them carefully and don't worry about the rest.
  Your friends are Divine.
   It took Alice Miller 20 years to find an Enlightened Witness so how rare is that?
  An internationally known therapist took 20 years to find one person to walk next to her in her healing process.
   There are  an abundance of people trying to detract.That goes without saying.Most try to hurt you for their own purposes, probably to keep themselves safe.You have to read between the lines.
    It must be life. Another lesson to add to the next list, which will be "Life Lessons Learned Too Late."
 
  
 

[Ami]

Maybe, people are ONLY  hurting you with the denial you  have about yourself.If you  say,"Yeah, I am...........",who can hurt you?
Your freedom is in knowing yourself.
 You want to look for the answers outside ,in  approval, accolades, pats on the back, pats on the ass . What does it bring you?
 Another day of needing the same--on and on.



Knowing yourself. It's  simple. I try to have everything in order, the cabinets, cupboards, me, so nothing will   hang out.
 It is a metaphor for my life. I am all dressed up but worrying ,endlessly, if my slip is showing.Yes, running from the shame, jogging, sprinting, galloping, looking behind to see if the bugger is following me and he IS. Damn it, *I* have to face it or other people can hit me over the head with it whenever they damn please.

Whitie is gonna think of all the things she is ashamed of and try to own them. Maybe , that will be her next list. That will be a hard one, bringing the darkness in to the light.
 They must do the fifth step in AA to bring up the shame so it does not torment people to drink again, dark corners whispering . "You are worthless, , selfish, bad,  did awful things, had awful thoughts, had awful desires, satisfied awful desires, bad,bad,bad drink, drink, drink.

Yes, that has to be why . It torments everyone to some degree or another, I would think. I only know me ,so it is hard to generalize but I bet we each have our shame space.

Whitie is gonna do that later. Write all the things she is ashamed of, even the scary ones.

[Ami]

                                              Whities Wish List

1.  Respect yourself   If Whitie could ask herself ,"Do I respect myself?" and the answer would be yes(most of the time), she would be happy.
2.Never compare yourself to others : know that their path is different. It might look better or worse but cannot be judged by human wisdom. That is an impossibility. You can not even judge your own ; try to follow God,as best as you can.
3 Love yourself cuz God made you,not because you have this or that or don't, just because you are His.
4 Perfectionism has to go. However you can make it go, you have to try because  it is a killer of life.Whitie gets a D plus  
5 Find your child and let it come out. It is beautiful. Let it laugh, cry,hurt, wonder ; share it with someone else. It is magical.
6 Have an adult self to protect you. Whitie gets a  D plus  ; work still in progress  
7 Try to see that others are struggling with their self esteem , too. It is not just you.Even the people who have it "altogether" struggle with feeling good enough.
8 Lend hands to others.When someone needs you, try as best as you can to be there. It is hard when you want to please and can't say no but still worth doing. Whitie gets a C  minus in keeping  boundaries in place.
9 You have to own yourself. Life won't work if you don't. White gets a D plus.
10 Try to come to some peace that it is NOT selfish to learn to navigate your own life. It is good not bad. This is Whities hardest one and current struggle. Can't grade it cuz it is too depressing  
11 Maybe you can never really do any of them.Maybe, the pluses and minuses will work themselves out in the life to come. It will get thrown up, tossed like confetti, come down and all be OK.
12  Maybe ,if you factor eternal life in to it, it is all OK .


Whitie feels at peace after writing this. Maybe, it IS all OK. Her M would tell her she is being uppity, writing such a list as if Whitie could DARE  hope to have a life like that
 Whitie ,"Who do you think YOU are to want to be someone, confident, self loving, self respecting?" Her M would be smirking the smirk, having the face, grimacing the grimace. Whitie can say F##k you, now. She can. F##k  you.      AMEN


Whitie sees that list and realizes how much pressure she puts on herself to be better, better, better .There is no destination, only a race you can never run fast enough. Better, better, better, your house is a mess, you are not normal, you don't have enough friends, you have a shitty marriage,you never made it in a career, better, better, better.Can you make it stop?  

Whitie is going to a religious retreat next week on God's love. Whitey needs it in high ass doses. Whitie has hope. She is going to the Man, after all.
He is the ultimate one . The NM is an ant compared to Him, right?
The NM is BIG, grant it, bigger than life, but there is someone bigger. Whitie is taking her problems to the top.

[Ami]

                               Everything Is There For a Reason

If you are depressed, you have a reason to be. If you are scared to death at the dentist, you have a reason to be. If you can't go out in a crowd, you have a reason for that
 The reason is NOT that you are a piece of shit  

            
 

[Ami]

Oh I thought I was being too wordy and erased it. I will write it again.

[Ami]

This is  Alice Miller.
 There are ingredients for getting sick and ingredients for healing. The ones for getting sick are being told  lies and punished if you don't believe lies,having to deny what you see, feel , hear, having guilt walloped at you for normal feelings, desires and thoughts, not being allowed to have a self  : ANY way that your true self is made to be thrown away.
  The way to heal is follow your heart about what you REALLY feel and think, let your feelings out, cry, cry, cry with someone who won't shame you. When you do these things, it hurts like HELL. There is no way around it but you reclaim your true self. All this is a way to go from the false self to the true self.
 Alice Miller's book  Your Body Never Lies shows how people healed like this and it was a true healing not "Put on a Fucking Happy Face"

                                                                                
 

[Meh]

Ok, some day I do Alice.

The thing is when I think about the statement "Put on a Fucking Happy Face" I genuinely smile.

Thanks for making me smile.

[Ami]

I DID that for you !                                         Ami

[Ami]

I knew that would make you laugh so I wrote it like that. You sounded like you  needed a laugh ,today!  
                                                                        Ami                            

[Meh]

Oh, OK!!! 

[Ami]

Whitie is gonna take a bath in Fizzie Balls she bought. They are perfumed with all kinds of smells. The lady did not label them which made Whitey mad cuz knowing what they are ,seemed like half the fun,but what are you gonna do? They will be Grab Bag scents.
Today, Whitie feels she dropped a load of some kind.I think it is some of the BADNESS.She feels like she lost 15 pounds like when you feel light and springy and put on a new dress.
 It has something to do with SEEING her M and F.  She didn't die. No one died  that she knows of :what parents put on kids  and unknowingly, too, mostly.
 My H would have died for Scott but wanted him all to himself like a miser counting his money. He squished him to death with some crazy form of love, obsession, sickness.
 I should have left eons ago but was too afraid.
 Whose fault was it?
 I wanted to be a good M more than anything in this whole world and I was making cookies while the house was burning down. Was that what my M did?
 My F let me be abused over and over by my M. I think he liked that *I* got it and not him. I cried myself to sleep last night because I SAW that.
 If it was Hansel and Gretal, he heated up the oven and the witch  put them in.
 That was a hard one. That was the one that made me the sickest. He had the face in back of his head, as Helen said.
 


 

[Ami]

Oh, OK!!! 

I think we have the same sense of humor