Blackie/Whitie

[CB123]

Ami,

I understand.

Completely.

CB

[Ami]

Oh Thank you ((((CB))))

[Ami]

Whitie wants to cry .Last N, her husband demeaned her badly in front of her guitar teacher, Ray. Whitie was taking a bath and her husband was talking on the phone.
Ray told her, today, that he would never be in a marriage like that.I know my Aunt wouldn't. Whitie has huge sobs
  and inside them are screams.


She texted Ray that Ray has his mind and Whitie doesn't. He said,"Yes, you are right."
 He knows who he is,  his worth.
Whitie is up for grabs.She was sold to the highest bidder with her pretty clothes and bags.


Many people have tried to help Whitie out of this marriage but it is NOT the marriage. It is Whitie. If her husband died, Whitie would still be the abused wife.
 She would  be an abused wife to someone else or to herself, worst of all. Does someone get this? An abused wife fits.

That is why Whitie is going slowly. She is inextricably bound in the fabric of her life. It is not just something that happened to her like the flu. She made it, maybe for her own dark purposes .


She feels ashamed to see her guitar teacher who is coming over ,soon. She feels small. She is just gonna say,'I feel ashamed".

Whitie told Ray that she felt ashamed that he saw her pitiful life. He agreed ;it was pitiful.    He SEES .
 Ray told  Whitie about his maturation process playing sports, growing up,learning about life. Whitie could not learn past 14 .
 She did not have physical abuse. She wondered why her mother never went that other  step. It always seemed like she would . Whitie felt slaps and hits coming but they never did.
Maybe, welts and bruises would have been better cuz there would have been something to show but probably not ;she would have hidden them.

 

[Ami]

                                  God

It always comes back to God  : Whities life  in this terrible hole. Whitie needed to be there, in the depths, alone,crying, two babies to take care of, a laughing mother, laughing husband, laughing together. Whitie is a terrible housekeeper, ungrateful, doesn't appreciate the beautiful house and nice things, doesn't appreciate her husband going to work every day,husband working hard, Whitie  ungrateful, incompetent, anyone can stay home with kids, easy, easy, easy.
 Whities mother says,"STAY with him. He provides.What will YOUOOOOO do?"
 Yes, Whitie agrees : less Whitie, little Whitie , teeny Whitie, almost dead Whitie.
 Almost dead Whitie found the Board. Couldn't eat, way more than fashionably thin, mother was good, husband was good, Whitie was BAD, deserved everything.

Whitie loves the Board. Do you understand?

 

[sKePTiKal]

Ami has to believe that Whitie is real, before White believes it - maybe. Messed up - yes (but not permanently); messed up but REAL.

Where is Blackie in all this about Whitie? Does she believe Whitie is real? Does it matter?

You don't have to answer; just posing questions to think about.

Keep going; you are doing well... just doing what you're doing.

[Ami]

(((((Amber)))))  Thank you.                           

[Ami]

Whitie is sharing all these feelings and nobody hates her.  She was supposed to be BAD, not loved,not patted and said,Good."
 People were supposed to say "Whooooo do you think YOU are, Miss Uppity?"
 Miss Uppity wanted values, character , something beyond existing as a boob , a stupid boob with a smirking face.
 Whitie will tell you how she lost her virginity. It is a sad story.
 
 

[Ami]

  
  
 Whitie wanted to have values. That seemed the way to define herself as a person.Whitie enjoyed knowing when to say yes and no. She  was starting to define who she was. It was her own power. She felt it in her gut; she was different than her mother.
  It was  a precious thing in Whities life : that she was different than her mother. She would repeat it to herself as a mantra.
 She felt happy she was not a boob She had grace and hospitality. She was warm. People would tell her that.


Whitie's life mantra was she did not want to be like her mother. As long as she could SEE that ,she could be REAL.She stopped seeing it at 14.
  Whitie is getting very tired with all these emotions so she may not be able to tell you the rest story of her   until later.
   Also, she may have to skip around cuz some things are harder to tell than others.

 

[Ami]

Whitie wanted to study hard, go to college and have a life where she was a good person.Her GM said you could lose your good reputation easily and it was hard to build again.
 Whities reputation was important to her. It made her someone. She liked herself for a time. She thought, I am good enough, not perfect, not the best, but good enough." That felt good.

It feels like a long story to build up to Whitie's losing her virginity but the history is part of it so what can I do?

Whitie had some aspects of good mental health but lots of nooks and crannies with stuffed in things waiting to pop. So, even when she was feeling good about herself, how long could it have lasted?
 She will never know cuz her father pushed her over the edge and so the rest  would be a rhetorical question.

I think you know how her father pushed her over the edge so I will fast forward to the summer before going away to college.
Whitie was gonna be pre-med cuz that seemed the best way to get her mother to love her, her father ,too.
Her father  respected successful woman. His mother was a doctor and his sister a lawyer, in the days when woman did not do much.
So, if Whitie could be pre-med , she could hit two very hard birds with one stone.
 Whitie decided she would study math for the summer. She was in her room, studying hard cuz this would be the answer to her dilemma's. She would be somebody, her parents would love her and she would be good on top of  that. How could you lose with the deck stacked like that?
 
 

[Ami]

Man, why did Whitie start this story?It seems interminable but the history IS the story so I'll get on with it.
Whitie went to college  in Durham NC because her  aunt ,cousin and GM were there.They were her father's sister and mother.
 Her cousin,Wendy, was her childhood friend.
 She and Wendy would go  dancing at the Ramada Inn which had a bar with live music sometimes and a DJ sometimes.
  Whities mother was laughing at Whitie for  being a virgin . Something broke in Whitie, resignation,  anger,pain,  why bother?
  She decided she would lose her virginity so her mother couldn't laugh anymore.

 

[Meh]

Man, why did Whitie start this story?

It's probably going somewhere......just follow it.

Ok, I'm putting a paperweight on your writing desk, it's a handblown glass heart with swirls of color and flecks of gold inside of it.

[Ami]

She picked the person on one of the nights ,dancing at the Ramada. He was the DJ. She decided she would lose her virginity to a guy she just met who was feeding her lines that he probably fed hundreds of woman.
 When I tell it, it seems not to be making the point which was that Whitie stopped being Uppity






 


 

 

[Ami]

((((Sweet Helen)))))))))))))                                      Ami

[Ami]

 It  was comforting for Whitie  to look in the mirror and assure herself she was there.Miss Uppity was gone and Whitie wasn't a virgin.
  Miss Uppity never came back, not even now.


Bad night ,tossing and turning.   Whitie is thinking too much :her  husband,her  friend, her  mother , crazy teaching, stupid stuff, why did Whitie listen, all bullshit.   Ray never would stand for abuse, aunt either.    Whitie  hates her husband, feels sorry for him, feels sorry for herself, no one is gonna help you in life, got to help yourself.  Going on trip, hard to eat, tries to control  ,FEARS, FEARS, FEARS. Should she  leave her husband, go with friend, be alone, wait to die, try to live.


Whitie's marriage: how much is her fault?If she gets out will she find she was the problem all along? Will she find other abusers? Will she hate herself in her own small apartment? Will she  wish she had her husband back?  Will she think "What took me so long?". Can she take care of herself without being crazy?
Is she a loser? Losers hate themselves . Can she stop hating herself?













 
 
 

  


 

[Ami]

                                     Your Own Power

Caroline Myss says that the stomach is the center of your own power. No wonder Whitie has stomach aches. Her power left with Blackie and  Miss Uppity : leaving Whitie to run the show.
 Whitie is not the managerial type and so you have what you have, her life : a sad specimen from what it could have been with a little more pride and a little more  love for owns own being.


Blackie and Miss Uppity are not dead, just moribund.  They have been dying for a long time and haven't kicked the bucket yet so there is hope.
 Whitie respects them. Blackie kicks ass and Miss Uppity just knows who she is. Miss Uppity has a simple respect for herself. She is not aggressive,but if you mess with her, she will  tell you to mind your  P's and Q's . Most people listen  the first time.


 
 Whitie is  sitting with Blackie , Miss Uppity and God : trying to figure out what to do. Next week is the trip to the retreat . Wait until then to figure out plans, no rush,have  been in this hell hole for almost 30 years. What is one more day, week, month, even year?Actually,been in hell hole since birth . Find the  dying girls.