Blackie/Whitie

[Ami]

 Whitie was like a cult member, "All for Swahmi, All for Swahmi" Die for Swahimi, Live for Swahmi, Swahmi, Swahmi, AMEN."
 The N family is a cult. Our role is the other half of the bombastic, self seeking N. We are the meek, mousy ,voiceless partner. It works.
 If you have no self or little, you are waiting, waiting for an accident to happen in the person of an N.
 Whitie stayed all these years, partly, from knowing that. She knew she would repeat. Who wants to repeat this? At least she was smart enough for that.
  The LV(little voice) has misplaced pity. I always pitied my M and H. What about me? I don't pity them anymore. They want to destroy me. In what universe should I have sympathy for them?
 
 

[Ami]

Helen, he took my ick.
 Someone can love you beyond the ick.

Good Morning Ami! Hope you are well.

Good Morning, (((Helen)))) What a crazy fast speed highway my life seems to be on right now                                      Ami

[Ami]

Whitie has this inkling that maybe she can want good things in life and that does not make her  BAD.She can want things for HERSELF. She can want good self esteem, to love herself, be kind to herself, good and nurturing to herself. Does that make her electric chair BAD?
 Does her desire to be her best friend first make her BAD? Does it?
 Who does she kill if she puts herself , first?
 Imagine how it would feel to respect yourself? It would be better than 10 trips to Hawaii.

[Ami]

Whitie wants to buy something decadent to celebrate her new feelings  Her favorite pair of earrings are  Italian , large gold hoops with tiny handmade cameo charms  of different colors on them.She wanted to be worth one nice pair or earrings not a thousand junky pairs so she bought them.
 She wants to get something else decadent : a Birthday present for Whitie.

Whitie has come out of a death cycle.  Why does Whitie have to be the funeral pyre for her M, F and H so they can feel good.
Why does Whitie have to hate herself so all is right in their world?Why does Whitie have to lie on the road like road kill so they can laugh and feel GOOD about themselves, all together: her M, F and H.Ray said anyone would have gone crazy. Ray and my Aunt don't blame me.
 Ray said that I was strong. Could that be?
No, not strong but maybe overwhelmed by too much hate.Maybe, I just flipped  in to craziness b/c everyone who was supposed to love me hated me and wanted it that way.
 Maybe, any human being would have gone crazy.
 

[Ami]

Why does Whitie have to keep sabotaging her life? Why does she always have to defeat herself? Maybe, cuz other people want her to? Maybe that was the only way she could belong to people? Maybe, that was the only way she could have a mother and father and husband?
  She had to take the BAD, like  heavy suit, so she could belong, someplace on this earth.
  As long as she was BAD, she COULD belong.
 

[Ami]

Whitie's life is like a car on the Autobahn and  Whitie is a freaking bad driver .

[Ami]

Whitie's life seems to be accelerating and she is afraid.  Whitie wishes she had parents who were a "home" . Do my Aunt's children feel they have  a"home"?
Whitie feels scared. Life is so BIG and Strange and Who is gonna help you???
Do people who have good parents feel this way? I don't know. Is their insecurity so deep, so cellular? 
Tonight Whitie is gonna take  Fizzie bath and think that the God who made the universe loves her. She is little, an abused kid, insecure, doesn't know which end is up, but a very big God loves her.
 God has a special place for the orphans and widows. Whitie is an orphan , or close enough.

[Ami]

What would it be like to have a mother' s arms hold you? What would it be like to feel safe, to know you were home? Does home  feel good to people. Do people actually feel like they have a home?  
 Maybe, it is a fantasy like the perfect woman or man. Maybe, a good home teaches you to love and respect yourself. Maybe, that is what happens. A bad home teaches you that you are worthless and need to hate yourself in order to belong, anywhere.
 Maybe, if you can find your sense of self respect and love, you can be on a level playing field with those from good homes. 

                  

[Ami]

Whitie is thinking that maybe she can hope for good things. Why can't she  have boundaries,  integrity: the things she dreamed of as a child? Who is stopping her?Her GM told her to be be a lady . That meant you were special . I don't think it is BAD to be special for real things.
 Whitie got off track with Mother.
 My M wanted a boob like she. Why can't Whitie be like her Aunt's girls ?
 Whitie doesn't have to carry the family BAD so Mother feels good about herself.
 Whitie stayed sane as long as she didn't have to be like Mother. That was her barometer of sanity:how different she was from Mother. Does anyone understand that? The barrier from sanity to insanity was how different she was . Then, when she was the same, she was lost.

Whitie doesn't have to take care of the world like a Mother Teresa from Hell. Whitie does not have to fix all the world's boo-boos or she is BAD. Whitie has to heal the BAD. No one else can do it. It is inside her.
 Your BAD is YOUR BAD.

It would be so easy if a knight in shining armor could really take the BAD away . Under it would be a lovely girl, like my Aunt's girls.
Would my Aunt every understand how you felt too worthless to eat or breathe?
Everyone who was supposed to love me ,hated me. I flipped out. Am I BAD or just had too much  betrayal? I made the decision to agree with them so I could have a home. That is what happened. Am I BAD for that?

[Ales2]

I am busy reading all the posts - this topic is very interesting. I think we all have a blackie and whitie within us and its an interesting journey to learn to accept, control and understand these extremes. Ami, I'm riveted with your thoughts!

[Ami]

I am busy reading all the posts - this topic is very interesting. I think we all have a blackie and whitie within us and its an interesting journey to learn to accept, control and understand these extremes. Ami, I'm riveted with your thoughts!

Thank you so much ((((Ales))))                              Ami

[Ami]

Whitie is exhausted ,coming out of this hole, coming out of the distortions, seeing life as it is, seeing herself as she is. She wants to go to bed with the CD player on.
 Life is spinning and all we can try to do is hold on to our hats.
 Whitie thought there would be a Perfect Person who could show her the way : a perfect relationship,a time  when SHE got perfect. Somehow, someplace, it would all work out when she got some variation of PERFECT.
 Now, she sees that everyone seems to be struggling, with themselves, wanting love, being disappointed with others,disappointed with themselves, what does it all mean, what is it all for, why am I here, it all seems for naught,where is the sense ?
What can you expect? Peace in your own neck of the woods ,which is you, not trying to fix, make well, alter, have responsibility for another(unless a child).
 What are you responsible for? What you do, not think or feel. You have a child within which thinks and feels like a child. That is how it is. It is not BAD. It is the make-up of the human.

[Ami]

What can you have in life? Love yourself. You HAVE to get here. It is an essential for any quality of life. Respect yourself, honor yourse;f, live with an integrity you can count on within yourself.
Take what is yours, whatever your gifts and good things may be, talent, insight, intelligence, warmth, compassion, sense of humor.Take it all and make it shine so you can feel that you have expressed yourself to the world.
 

[Ami]

You CAN have love. You can feel love for yourself(VERY hard when you have been abused,but doable, I think). You can love others by listening, giving little gifts, being thoughtful.

There is beauty in life if you can love. Love is powerful. Not all hope in life is lost. AMEN

[Ami]

What is Soul Food?

I want to talk about Soul Food that does not involve another person, my own soul food. I used to feel I could fill my own soul before I had to start punishing myself in order to feel I could fit in to a family.
 Soul Food was trusting my perceptions.It was honoring my conscience  and feelings. It was trying to have a code of integrity I knew would be there from one day to the next, aspiring to be someone my GM could be proud of.
 All these things fed me.

It was feeling like my life could be an expression of "me", not someone who  "looked good".  It was trying to learn how to walk in life so you could be true to yourself , first.
 That cannot be selfish. I think that is healthy, right?