Blackie/Whitie

[Meh]

Soul Food,

Sometimes I go to art galleries or I watch the moon morph in the night sky, this is some form of soul food.

It also seems to me that soul food involves other people. I spent years of my life being self-contained. It has it's benefits but it's not as good as sharing life with other people, in my oppinion. It's unnatural I think. Dunno, maybe that is not what u r talkin bout.

I'm gonna go find a willow to sit and read under BY MY lonely self.


I'm "sending" you a metaphorical cozy cuddly scarf out on the etherical thought-waves, it's really soft and snuggly, you can rub it up against your cheek, put it over your ears, cry into it, whatever.  I don't know what color it is. Any color you want. Take care.    

[Ami]

Soul Food,

Sometimes I go to art galleries or I watch the moon morph in the night sky, this is some form of soul food.

It also seems to me that soul food involves other people. I spent years of my life being self-contained. It has it's benefits but it's not as good as sharing life with other people, in my oppinion. It's unnatural I think. Dunno, maybe that is not what u r talkin bout.

I'm gonna go find a willow to sit and read under BY MY lonely self.


I'm "sending" you a metaphorical cozy cuddly scarf out on the etherical thought-waves, it's really soft and snuggly, you can rub it up against your cheek, put it over your ears, cry into it, whatever.  I don't know what color it is. Any color you want. Take care.   

That is so cute!  It is  pink, my fave color !                          Ami

[Ami]

(((Helen))) I think Soul Food involves other people,too, BUT you have to have few or no expectations .Your expectations have to be of how true you are to yourself. That is the only way to navigate the world ,I think.
Ray sent me a text that he loved me and it warmed my heart, soul food, but I have to get the main nourishment from myself. Dessert can be from others. I have to give to others after I have loved  myself

Whitie is gonna start  to navigating the world as she was doing at 14 before she climbed under a rock. It is time to open her heart, her gut, her eyes, her deep knowing and begin to start again , where she left off.
 So what ,that she has a 14 year old's emotional maturity. What the Hell   ?

[Ami]

Whitie is gonna start navigating. That is good. Whitie begins where she left off at 14. It is not too bad. Whitie had a good life at 14: friends, activities, fun, hopes, dreams. She felt OK as a group of one. That is important. You can NEVER need to be in a group or you are screwed, right then and there.
 You always have to be able to get up and leave. Otherwise, you could do things you don't want to do and go places you don't want to go.
 Whitie needed to be part of a family TOO badly. Maybe, you can forgive her. She was a kid.Needing too much from a group was her downfall, even if it was her family.
 Look at the Good Germans--'nuff said.

[Ami]

Whitie feels excited like Captain Whitie---All Aboard--said with authority. Whitie is sailing the ship, or learning to. That is good. Mother is off on the shore---Good bye Mother.
 
Whitie is not like Mother at all, never has been actually. Whitie is creative and fun. Mother was a Science Major and loved the labs. Mother has everything organized and Whities closet would be an avalance if you opened it too quickly.
 Mother has no sense of humor.
 Whitie has great insight and Mother couldn't see a motivation if it hit her on the head. Mother is a therapist , as you know, but that is a whole other story.

Whitie is sweet. She likes that but she has been too sweet in the past and that is no good. Sweetness has to be tempered with hardness. It is just how it is in this fallen world  if you don't want to be road kill  AMEN.

[Ami]

Yes, sweetness must be tempered with hardness. You don't need to wear hardness around as a badge but must take it out when neccessary. That is my quote---Walk softly and carry a big stick.
If you don't carry one, what happens to you, HUH?


 Right now, Whitie is gonna take a bath with a Fizzie ball, have a Guinness Extra Stout and worry about her sailing tomorrow.

[Ami]

Maybe, you have so little control of  life. Maybe , that is the joke. You strive and try and yearn and push and grunt and struggle and none of it gets you anywhere.
 I think it is that way.
 Whitie wants to surrender, finally. She is not Perfect, not freakin near.
 She is immature, selfish, self centered, egocentric and many more.
 She is.
 Mother was right but everyone else is , too. Mother was wrong about that.
 Mother thought she and Whitie were the BAD ones  ,only, or maybe a few other BADDIES .
 Mother has her head up somewhere where the real world don't shine.
 It is just about that simple.

[Ami]

You have to have a hardness about protecting yourself. Does every creature need to learn this? Whitie was learning this and other valuable lessons when she was thrown off the ship.
 She went in to shock. It was involuntary.
 Shock is there so you don't die. It does not mean you are BAD.
 Whitie is never gonna see her parents again. She forgives them ,in her heart,but when is enough enough?
 Her feelings for her H are dead.All she wants is for him to go in to a hole where she never sees his face ,again. Maybe, she would miss him if he were not here.
Maybe, the joke is that SHE is the root of the pain, not he. Maybe, all this pain was her own and just seemed like it was his.
That happens, often.
The spouse dies and the remaining spouse is just as sick as before.
That is a joke like marrying  5 alcoholics.
 FOO seems to chase you down like a bad dream.

[Ami]

Whitie is hurting, badly, today. She is stressed out the whazoo, tired, shaky .
If she protects herself ,is she BAD? If she wants needs met, is she BAD? If she values herself, is she BAD? If she has a primal nature which protects herself, is she bad?
If she loves herself first ,is she bad?
If she takes care of her emotional needs, first, is she BAD?
If she has a primal nature which she listens to on HOW to live, is she BAD?

Whitie asked her friend about this. He says we all have a "snake-like" part which coldly assesses life. Whitie's mother put a knife in that part.That is the BAD , the part which wanted  an identity  for HERSELF,only.
 It  had to be rejected, killed,pounced , jumped  and raped .It was left on the road,road kill.
  Whitie's BAD became road kill and so did Whitie.

[Ami]

Whitie wanted to have an independent identity. She does not want to have to make everyone else feel good in order not to be BAD and SELFISH.
Is she a sociopath cuz of this  ?

[seasons]

Whitie wanted to have an independent identity. She does not want to have to make everyone else feel good in order not to be BAD and SELFISH.
Is she a sociopath cuz of this  ?

NO

((Ami))

I read this and bells and whistles are going off all around me.
Ami, you again nailed it on the head, for me, I can see all the webs that I carry with me, each day. It is not the true me. I have needs, I should be able to speak, live.
 It's so painful to recognise how programed we can become, the scars....they must fade, I have to believe that.

I want to be a bit selfish if that is what is called......."living in the moment with out fear of not being enough, good, always good."

Keep on going, your light is getting brighter as your truths uncover the old..... ugly lies, and abuse.
Thank you for this thread, I am learning about you and have the gift of seeing myself too.

((Ami)) love you!  seasons

[Ami]

Whitie wanted to have an independent identity. She does not want to have to make everyone else feel good in order not to be BAD and SELFISH.
Is she a sociopath cuz of this  ?

NO

((Ami))

I read this and bells and whistles are going off all around me.
Ami, you again nailed it on the head, for me, I can see all the webs that I carry with me, each day. It is not the true me. I have needs, I should be able to speak, live.
 It's so painful to recognise how programed we can become, the scars....they must fade, I have to believe that.

I want to be a bit selfish if that is what is called......."living in the moment with out fear of not being enough, good, always good."

Keep on going, your light is getting brighter as your truths uncover the old..... ugly lies, and abuse.
Thank you for this thread, I am learning about you and have the gift of seeing myself too.

((Ami)) love you!  seasons

I love you, ((((Seasons))))                                        Ami

[Ami]

A little inkling is coming to Whitie. Maybe ,she does not have to reject herself. WHAT would life be like if she could be on her side?
                                                                                                 

[Ami]

Whitie was  always trying to re-do the past so it would come out OK.
If she got Mother and Father's  love, could she magically become a lovely girl like her Aunts daughters?
She was a lovely girl a long time ago before she  became the  Daughter of Zombie.

Zombie, a.k.a Mothe made sure she went from lovely girl to neurotic mess. Mother hates lovely girls
 Mother wants to smirk them away.
 She says "If you are a lovely girl you are a HYPOCRITE, HYPOCRITE, PHONEY, LIAR, FAKE.

Mother likes you to wear your underwear on the outside: tell your age, personal hygiene habits, past affairs and current  issues.
That is Mother, so gloriously honest.
 

[Ami]

Maybe. it is time for Whitie to become all the mentally ill things her mother said she was. Maybe, Whitie will just defy the whole thing and become it all----sociopathic, neurotic, selfish, ego maniacal.

Mother said that Whitie was neurotic for her feelings.
Mother  smirked at Whitie  : BAD, BAD, BAD.