Blackie/Whitie

[Ami]

Whitie is thankful to have a Board to share her story on. She will never forget that she has a home where she can write her story. Thank you, Dr G!

[Ami]

 Whitie's friend understands her and that is what it takes to heal ;one person in this rotten world who gets you . Sorry for the cynicism .
 Maybe ,being seen is the foundation for emotional health.
 I know my Aunt was seen by her M and my Aunt trusts herself to be a person, good and bad: human.
I was not seen, or actually seen as the split off BAD side of an N. I have seen myself as BAD since my teens when I believed my NM's world view.
 I did not adopt her world view until 14. Prior to 14, I rejected it so perhaps there is hope to get back to that state of grace, God Willing.

[Ami]

Whitie is having little glimpses of herself being human. How wonderful it would be to accept your feelings and thoughts without thinking you are BAD .
 How wonderful to be acquainted with yourself ,to shake your hand, give yourself  a hug.
I would invite myself  for dinner and drinks with fancy napkins and little cocktail hot dogs.

[Ami]

It would be  a gas if Whitie were human this whole time.It would be like finding out your mother was taken by little green men and impregnated with alien sperm .
Whitie lived ,hiding like some Monster.Whitie's self rejection didn't help Mother become well. It was supposed to. That was the plan. Whitie would sacrifice her life so Mother could go off with the GOOD, leaving the BAD with Whitie.
 It was supposed to work like magic things do.

[Ami]

Whitie is having some good things happen. She is AFRAID when she writes this .If she is GOOD, she  has to beat herself up  before  Mother does. Mother was the only one allowed to be GOOD.
Whitie is starting to feel some of the  good feelings she had before she went numb. Whitie was never diagnosed with anything other  than anxiety but I think she had  dissociation.
She was separated from herself. Her feelings and thoughts were the enemy--BAD, BAD.
It seems so simple to be connected to yourself but it is as far as China if you are not.
Whitie is in Heaven simply being in her own skin and feeling.
 
 

[Ami]

Another  part of BAD was navigating life on your own:learning, figuring out things, making mistakes, learning, seeing,seeing yourself, seeing others, learning how to deal with your own layers , learning to deal with the layers of others , having strong values, morals , character.
It looks ridiculous to write but someone must know what I mean.Mother thought it was better to be a criminal than have an identity, I think.
 I  feel very guilty for simply wanting to own myself. No one could understand this unless they had an NM, I think. It is not explainable.
 

[Redhead Erin]

I get what you meant, Ami.  And ditto about having a board like this to share on.

[Ami]

I get what you meant, Ami.  And ditto about having a board like this to share on.

Thank you, Erin. I am sitting here thinking that my BIGGEST goal is  to own and manage myself and it feels so wrong like I am committing a big sin                        

[Ami]

Whitie's Mother wrote her an e mail about wanting to love her.
 Mother has an uuncanny radar when Whitie is getting better ;Mother comes to take her down.
 Whitie wants a Mother's love  badly but  Whitie wants her OWN love ,first.

Whitie remembers how wonderful it was to love herself.
Way in the past, she thought she was worth something. That was a  long time ago : before she jumped in to the Mother's tomb  like the servants  of King Tut.

[Ami]

Being crazy is just a body of thought. If you can change the body of thought to reality, you would not be crazy, anymore.
Whitie was talking to her Aunt,today. Her Aunt isn't crazy like her Mother .
Whitie is doing a study on "crazy' .It is gonna be her  version of a controlled scientific study ,Whitie style.  

[Ami]

How did Whitie go crazy? She  threw off parts of herself cuz the ship was sinking .
 You do what you have to do in order to  survive. You become crazy cuz your life is pushing you: pushing,pushing.  You throw yourself away.
You become crazy so you won't die. Maybe, you should have died:how horrible crazy is.

[Ami]

My Mother is crazy. I said it over and over and over as a kid. I am all right. I am all right.It was the mantra of my sanity. I held it like a lover,  my one and only, my sanity, my sanity.
Then ,it was gone. I tried to grasp it, hold it, scream for it. I could do nothing, nothing,nothing. I couldn't hold it ;I couldn't.

[Ami]

Whitie slept horribly last night. She is seeing Mother better . Every time she thinks of Mother, her stomach twists . She knows the answer,"Mother is a monster."
 Even writing it makes her feel sick .
Maybe, she has a stomach virus or maybe the thought of the reality of Mother is that horrible. I think it is the latter.
Under the sick, Whitie feels more whole, more real, more present, more valuable, more worth something other than BAD.

This is a strange experience, never actually felt by Whitie, before.Every time she thinks of Mother, she feels like she wants to throw up. Has anyone been here?   

[Ami]

I think that before Whitie was  born , there was Blackie . Blackie was  N like.
I think Blackie should be born and supercede Whitie.
Whitie went through Hell as an abused wimp .She did it over and over: smiling, nice ,loving ,giving guilty,feeling sorry for the abusers .
 Alice`Miller says that children will destroy themselves rather than face the truth of the parents's. You would jump on the fire to lie to yourself that you are` loved.
 You need and`want to be loved that badly.
Whitie is always gonna be there cuz Whitie is good in many ways but Blackie is gonna lead us. Yes, I think there is gonna be a change in leadership. If my friend can help me post a picture, I will give you a picture of Blackie.

[Ami]

I have a`picture of Blackie standing outside of her house. She looks like she could ride off on the back of a motorcycle leaving Whitie behind in the dust.
Blackie has on a little pink beret and jeans and she doesn't care if people like her or shame her. She knows who she is. AMEN