Blackie/Whitie

[Ami]

 Whitie sees Mother. It is yuck. Mother is a predator. Mother lies in wait . We all have those impulses but when you mature, you hold them in. I guess it comes down to holding in the "murderous and nasty" impulses that we all have.
 Mother was acting them out and making  Whitie feel guilty for HAVING them.  Mother acted horribly and then blamed Whitie for any less than perfect thought, feeling or action.
 How does that work? It is probably some variation of Splitting in some stupid, crazy way.
  My brain is tired. There must be some crazy N logic in there somehow, though.

 

[Ami]

Whitie has this wonderful inkling that maybe she can love herself.

[Ami]

Mother's face is getting about as real as it was before Whitie went numb.
 Whtiie is having memories of how it felt to have her own mind, without Mother in it like  Big Brother from Hell.
 

[Ami]

Last night, Whitie saw how the hopelessness came and went. She was deep in the hopelessness. Hopelessness was about feeling the patterns from her M are too big to change.
 When her friend saw her as a solid self, she snapped out of the hopelessness. It was about not feeling she CAN be a self. Next time the hopelessness hits, she will try to apply that"medicine " and see if it helps.

I think most of Whitie's issues are about not feeling ABLE to be a solid self. BAD is when you think  your true self is so sick, sociopathic, narcissistic, neurotic, selfish, needy, etc that you must hide it. It takes so much energy to hide it that social things are not worth it. It takes so much energy to be afraid to even look at it, yourself.

Perhaps the hopelessness was the suit Whitie had to take on when she really was hopeless as a kid and had no power of autonomy to change anything.
Maybe, that is the key.             Ami

[Ami]

Whitie wants to have a self that sits on her shoulder like a parrot. She could talk to it and it would talk back.

[Ami]

Whitie is just about ready to say F You to everyone and just respect herself.

[Ami]

Yes , Whitie is about ready to stop carrying Mother . Whitie had to morph  so Mother could live .
 It is not fair or right that a Mother sucks the soul from a Daughter unless you are in one of the vampire movies like Daughter of Dracula.

[Ami]

Vaknin has it right about N's. They suck you like Vampires, without a speck of conscience--me,me, me, me. Yet, they have no genuine self so it is pitiful.
I guess the simple explanation is that they have the emotional maturity of a 3-4 year old.

Maybe, Whitie can go on with her life,now. She is not an N, I am quite sure. Her children loved her and other children do ,too. Children usually hate N's.
Whitie's children could never stand their N like F. So, Whitie must not be an N and should just forget about that.
Is Whitie a sociopath? Her friends say that is crazy but Mother brought out all her tools to make Whitie doubt  her  identity .
How would you like an NM who is a therapist? They have more sophisticated tricks to use on you. All NM's are bad. It doesn't matter really. They are all a curse from Hell.
However, Whitie's brand of insecurity is about her mental and emotional  health.
That is where her NM stuck the knife in her the most.
I should start a thread---In What area of Your Life Did your N Parent Hurt You the Most?". I think I will.

[Ami]

Whitie is gonna have to go against the program of BAD and love herself. She has to do it. It is that or die. She has to.

[Ami]

Whitie talked to her Aunt yesterday. Her Aunt has good self esteem. Whitie did, too, a long time ago. Her Aunt says,"Yes, I feel good about myself. I am good enough.Why not?"
Her Aunt is good to herself cuz she feels she is "good".
Isn't that strange to hear when you are the D of an N?

[Ami]

Whitie used to know what was real. Real was that no one could hold your sense of self but you. Real was that everyone is selfish, first of all. Real was that many people will hurt you if you get too weak. Real is that you must have integrity and character to be respected. You can be liked without it but not respected.
Real is that people have many layers. Some of them will hurt you if you don't protect yourself.
Whitie used to be able to know and feel "real". Then, she was safe.
Whitie has to try to find real, real, real.

[Ami]

Whitie had a  hard day. It felt like swimming in molasses. Maybe, Whitie will never get good. It is a hard climb . Sometimes, it feels doable and other times, it feels impossible.
 She just has a BAD buzzer that keeps stinging her any time she wants to have a self, feel strong, not take care of the world.
 It feels so hard, today.

[Ami]

Whitie is coming to the conclusion that she is just gonna learn to trust her navigational device(inner compass) and start going out to learn about life the way she was at 14 before her M put her in to a state of shock.
 That is what happened. Whitie went in to shock . Shock puts you on auto pilot. You do what you have to do to survive but the price is blinders to reality.
 

Emotionally healthy people trust themselves . Whitie's Aunt trusts herself. Whitie questions the very ground she walks on. Pooh on that! Whitie is gonna practice trusting her gut. The Board was a good place to start.
She learned to trust her gut here .
You got to trust yourself or you are a car with the engine missing trying to go on a cross country trip. You ain't gonna make it. You are gonna be on the side of the road, broken down Maybe, a 10 wheeler will ram in to and you will be  true road kill.

[Ami]

Whitie sees that people are not gonna change  cuz SHE wants it. She wanted Mother to change and other people too. She wanted people to  see her but they couldn't or wouldn't. Either way,all Whitie's wanting never came to much.
 Whitie has to try to make herself how she wants to be.
Other people want Whitie to change and she can't do it for them. It is not workable. If it worked, she would have had a great M and great H cuz she certainly tried.
It is a distortion that you have to get other people to change so YOU can be all right. It is a huge distortion.

This is a biggie. Whities  life has been lived from the outside in from 14 on. It is strange  to see people who want to change HER so THEY can be OK. She tried to change for other people. It didn't work cuz it can't. Life is as it is, in many ways.People are as they are. According to the Bible, there is a curse on the Earth. Look at people's behavior;yeah no joke! People have a rotten side but Whitie could not SEE.Mostly, Whitie could not SEE the rotten side in herself.
 Life has rules but you have to be able to SEE them. If you can't SEE, you are screwed and badly. Yeah, that is it, I think.

[Ami]

 It might be time for Whitie to commit suicide. Blackie would take over.
  Whitie is so nice that I could throw up. Enough already.
  Whitie, don't you aspire to be more than road kill? Whitie, don't you have a simple pride in who you are?
  You might just want to go in to the wilderness like the Eskimo's and do everyone a favor.