Blackie/Whitie

[Ami]

Guess What? Whitie's husband is going to the lawyer. Whitie finally got some bollas and told him the truth. She feels nothing.
Whitie is the consummate chicken. You know that but even the biggest chickens want a shred of integrity.

[Ami]

How would it feel to live with your own sense of self ?It has been so long that her self felt like a foreigner . Inside, she is amorphous . That led her to this mess in the first place .
We call it Voiceless.
 That is the upcoming chapter for me.

[Ami]

Gonna be 30 years in a few days. That would be called a try . Wouldn't you say ?
When Whitie goes, the old ideas  go .
Was there really a life of lovely girls with Ivy League educations marrying Ivy guys  : children , houses, designer clothes, lunch at Lord and Taylor:  a petite salad for a lovely girl who does not eat much so she can fit in to a designer size six.
 Did it exist outside the realm of imagination?

[Ami]

Whitie stopped developing at 14, emotionally, anyway.  She is way past 14 ,of course,but not in  emotions .
She stopped developing when girls were having slumber parties, talking about cute guys , going horseback riding and skating on Friday nights.
 Whitie had to shut down her body so her Mother would not make the final move and actually become a lesbian  in front of Whitie's beleaguered eyes.
 How can you mature with that? Tell me!

[Ami]

The final frontier is death. It comes to everyone, of course :lovely girls, too.

[Ami]

 You bargain your soul away. That could be Whities's life in a word.
Is that the life of the Voiceless child?
Why scream?  Why ask? You were made to serve.
Who are you in the end ?
No one ?

[Ami]

Can you ever get it back? Your self ,I mean? Back from the nether lands where you sent it.It was  for purely survival purposes.  I am crying while I ask this .
 Can you  lose the fear that hangs like fog, dense,cloying.

 

[Ami]

You look every where for your self, precious as it is. You try it all . It  fails, of course.
 What do  you expect looking on the outside for the inside, Silly.
 You must look on the inside, hard as it might be.

[Ami]

How many people have loved you and it never helped?
You  have pretty designer bags and  jewelry and make-up and  more and more and more and more.
Is there enough to make it work?
Do you hit a magic number like the  lottery and it  comes out, your self esteem , that is.
 I would have bought it by now, most definitely.

[ann3]

"Can you ever get it back? Your self ,I mean? Back from the nether lands where you sent it.It was  for purely survival purposes."

Yes, Ami, you can, you are finding you self. 

(((((((((((Ami))))))))))))

xoxo,
ann

[Ami]

Love you (((Ann))))
You are a loyal and wonderful friend. Thank you for your friendship!   x o x o Ami

[Ami]

Whitie woke up today . Some scary part inside her was gone. Yesterday, she felt needs and the pure feeling of them sent her shaking in the corner.
 Needs are  scary when you had to be  a blank .
 Whitie is an excellent blank as you might guess.
 

[Ami]

Whitie became a blank at 14 . In an instant ,Whitie went from  real girl to  Pinocchio.From then on, she screamed with Pinocchio "Make me real ."

[Ami]

Whitie's astrological chart never worked. It was for a lovely girl like her Aunt's daughters.The chart had a gracious ,well balanced girl in it.
 Whitie asked the Astrology Board,"HOW do I have such a good chart and such a bad life?"
 Her chart was wrong .
  She has a Scorpio Ascendent, not Libra. Scorpio is dark with deep waters.  Libra is bright  like Doris day.  Whitie  is not Doris Day unless Doris was taking some  nasty acid  and happened to fall in to Whitie's chart inadvertently.

[Ami]

Today was a strange day: tender love, passionate love, brotherly love, heart and soul  love.Whitie does not know how to do life very well  having been dissociated since 14
 Love is the answer to the question though . Love  is about as beautiful as it gets.Good night .       Whitie