Blackie/Whitie

[seasons]

Last night, Whitie went to a party. WHY does Whitie have to be the life of the party? Why does she have to be the conversationalist?
 Why does she have to be "on"?
  If you want to be friendly but quiet--isn't that OK?
 I mean----why not?

This rang true to my heart.

Being "on" is exhausting.

I have two "ons" when I'm with people I care for I want to make them happy.  Quiet.......hmmmmmm.....I always hear whats wrong. Sometimes I'm just to tired to be on.

When I'm with jerks I've got my shield and try and play sometimes.  stupid....ouch

I know this thread must be or I hope it is a therapeutic compass for you. Learing along with you. Thanks for sharing and being so honest. I hope it feels good not to pretend.        ((Ami))     

seasons xoxo

[Ami]

Dear ((((Seasons)))
 I love when I see your name on here. I get excited. Seasons is listening and understands!    x o x o x o  Ami


It is  therapeutic to express the things we never could express cuz we would get humiliated.

[Ami]

Whitie has had so many changes in her progress away from Mother's program for her destruction. It IS that:what N's do to you. Probably, they don't mean it but they do it anyway.
 They take you to the side of the road and push you in:road kill.
 There you are :disarmed road kill.
  Life  doesn't work.
 You have no tools for your own honor and self respect.
  It doesn't work. It just doesn't

[Ami]

Whites stomach has been bad for 4 days. Ouch, the pain of a suppressed self and anger the size of a volcano. It is a hell of a lot to carry in your stomach.
Whitie carries the fear of people getting angry at her in her stomach.
All the old ghosts are pulling the old strings.
Will it ever stop?
Will she ever be free, away from it and see with her own eyes?
That is the million dollar question for children of N's.
Will they ever be able to see themselves? That is the root,I think:always begging the outside world to tell you who you are.

[Ami]

This is Whitie's conclusion after 7000 plus posts on the Board:  a fractured self is the problema. The self got fractured cuz it was not mirrored. You developed patterns to try to make sense of your life like you are bad and if you only were perfect you would be loved.
The patterns persist long after the N's  are gone.
Everyone becomes the N . Everything is a repeat of the past.
You live in the time warp  running on the gerbil wheel until you die.

[Ami]

Yesterday,Whitie had a Faulkner kind of day. All paths led to home i.e. nowhere. Hence , the quote at the bottom which says"Why bother?" in fancy  language.
 Today, she sees a bit above the morass.
 If YOU can change, all can change. That is some Buddist saying. The eye that sees alters all or something .

[Ami]

Whitie is getting real, though. That was her goal and she is failing her way to success by being real and scared and hurting and out there.
 The goal is not a relationship . The goal is to be real. The rest comes later. It is the later chapters in the book, not the preface or the intro.
 That must be the problem. We all want the relationship when we don't have the chapters written.

[Ami]

Whitie has spent her life from 14 in someone else's brain. Maybe her Aunt and Ray have it together. HOW does that help Whitie? Nada.
 She has to learn to master her own reality;scary thing that it is.
 You ,probably, know how it feels to be BAD. All abused kids do.
  Yes, that is what I think.
  That happens with abuse.
 Most of us on this Board have been abused .
 If you haven't ,don't take offense:consider yourself lucky and have some grace for those of us who have.

[Ami]

Whitie has been doing the trick of seeing through someone else's  eyes.I think that must be an abused persons MO. I am quite sure of it.
 Whitie was a blank to herself so then what?
 You have to function somehow:figure things out somehow.
 What do you do?
 Try to be normal. Try to find normal people and act like they do.
 It makes sense but breaks down somewhere ,hopefully, really.

[Ami]

Ray and her Aunt are normal, in Whitie's categorization . She tried to become them, really.
She put them in the good slot and she was in the bad one.
She was the split off part of an NM so give her a break. Will you??????

[Ami]

Yes, she was a morph of a person.
So, things did not work well. Yeah!
Things were screwy. Yeah!
 Well, that is what happens when Faulkner's reality runs your life. The past keeps repeating.

[Ami]

The air feels fresh away from Mother land. How could Whitie have believed the lies?
 It must be the  death hammer with which the NM wields your life . It has to be. You will die if you don't conform. You will be kicked out.
 That is why you morph and morph until you are a freak.
 Then, freak that you are: what do you DO?
 You look desperately for the key  -run, run, run.
 Where AM I? you ask.
 Echoes come back from the blankness.
 That is the problem.
 IF Whitie ever does counseling, she will help people get out of disassociation.
 She is not out ,yet,but getting there, little by little.



PS Hi Helen!

[Ami]

Whitie had a terrible day but it was real. Boy, you can hurt when you are real as opposed to unreal where everything is numb. Add to that , that you can be stupid, make mistakes , hurt and be real and you got what is called NOT disassociated.

 

[Ami]

Whitie is NOT gonna ask,'What do normal people feel?" She feels what she does. That is part of the key out. She does not have to ask someone HOW she is supposed to feel. She just feels. This is new,of course.
 Before, she tried to feel normal.
Today, someone got really angry at Whitie. I thought her heart would burst,literally, from pain and shock.
The last time it felt that way was when Scott died.
 She can feel ,now.
 To love is to hurt. She sees that .
 It is how it is.
 She tries so hard to be perfect but sometimes it  falls down. That must be real, too: all comes falling down cuz you screwed up.
 Whitie gave up a long time ago so really didn't experience anything.
 She has only loved a few people in her life.
 Her mother broke her heart so  it stays safely locked inside or it did.

[Ami]

Then, she took it(her heart) out and OUCH. Is this how normal people feel? Oh, she wasn't supposed to ask that?Or if she does SHE has to answer "Yes  it is.
 You can always check out your feelings with people. That should be Ok.
 She wants to ask'If someone you love gets angry at you, does your heart feel like it will break?"
 It is a real question.
 Whitie has been so disassociated from her emotions that she is not sure but  HER heart feels that way and that is how it is.
 She told Ray and he said to just enjoy the day. That might be what a normal person would say. It probably would be what a mature person would say but Whitie is growing up from 14 so does not see it that way.
 It is OK. She sees it her way. Maybe,she will stay 14 forever,in a time warp.