Blackie/Whitie

[Ami]

Have to come this thread when I don't know what to do with myself.
I am coming out of disassociation and it hurts so badly. It hurt like Hell to stay in it ,too.
I know you understand. We had N families(most of us) and you dissociate or get some kind of crazy .

[Ami]

Talked to my Aunt. She is sane just like my guitar teacher is sane.
*I*,on the other hand ,hold on to my sanity like a purse on the subway.
 If I relax my guard someone might  grab it.

[Portia]

Hi Ami. I think I understand disassociation. Now, holding onto y/our sanity, that's an interesting one. Trusting ourselves takes a lot of time. Trusting that whatever we're met with, we will survive intact (bar death!) - that's more than sanity....what would you call it. Can anyone grab your sanity? I used to think so; not any more. Who is that powerful? Only those in our heads (I ask those in my head if they are that powerful now, and they say 'no'). Ain't nobody gonna grab it! I'm sure I shall feel groundless on occasion, but that's something changing, not a loss of sanity.

[Ami]

Yup-- the ones in my head are grabbing my sanity((( Portia))))  LOL      x o x o x     Ami



PS I DO see it ,though!!!!!

[Ami]

Whitie comes here at the end of the day:strung out.
She thinks about eternal life. After all this is over, will there really be a place where there is enough love? You don't have to work so hard for one drop.. One day ,Whities soul will fly up to the place where there is no sorrow, no death, no NM's for sure.
One day, her soul will have everything a good mother could offer.
Yes, heaven would be a mother who touched you with love.
 

[Ami]

Maybe the good mother is a dream .
 Maybe, not.
 Maybe, you can find someone  who can love you with a pure love, the love of dreams.
 Whitie is gonna think about that tonight as she goes to sleep.
 It will be a lullaby for an abused child who still hopes.
 


 


 

[Ami]

Whitie really is not cynical.
 She needs to be a little harder,though
 You learn this when you are young if you  are not in hibernation mode.
 You learn what life is like before you make all the mistakes you can't take back: mistakes and mistakes which have a life of their own and finally overwhelm you .
 I think that in Heaven , they must see you.
  Heaven will be being mirrored.
  When Whitie gets there , they will say ,"Hello Whitie. We knew it was you all along"
  White will say ,"Really, you knew me?"


 

[Ami]

Whitie will be up there--- being seen. it won't hurt ,anymore.
You won't love people who don't love you and yearn for people who don't want you.
 You will be seen in all you are.
  That would be mirroring.
 

[Ami]

Remember the book "Good Night ,Moon. Whitie is thinking of how she loved to read it to her children. It rhymed so beautifully.
Good night,moon. Good night, room.
All the ways the world promises things but they fall down at your feet.
 What do you do when they  have fallen?
 Are you a fool to dream again ,even now?
 Whitie does not have the answer.
 
 

[Ami]

Whitie feels like she is gonna die ,today. The depression(sadness, grief??) is really bad. She is being rejected by someone. Does this kick in all prior rejections?
Probably

[Ami]

You have a Dewey Decimal system of rejections and you run like Hell to avoid feeling them. Over my head are  invisible hands"You failed;You failed;You failed"
 I sit frozen,  feeling I can't bear to hear them again but it is my own head shoving them down my throat.
 I war with my  head .
 It wants me dead. It doesn't stop with the distortions over and over like a crazy music box stuck  on play .You can't turn it off for the life of you.
 Whitie's head is a minefield even though she is the solidiers and the generals and the enemy, most of all.

[Portia]

((((Ami)))) Ain't it the poiint to see ourselves?

My head was once a MINDfield. xx

[Ami]

Yes, the point is to see ourselves. You are right (((Portia))) but it is very hard when you were not mirrored. You become the false self who has to be perfect cuz you are making up a self in place of the one you should have GOTTEN from being mirrored.
KWIM?       x o x   Ami

[Ami]

Let's talk about love. It  is hard when you are damn wobbly about who you are. I know you all get that cuz you are wobbly ,too.
 Don't tell me if it doesn't apply to you.
 Whitie is wobbly as a baby colt.
  She  does most things wrong in relationships . That is for starters.
 
  

[Ami]

 Love relationships  feel like Mother a great deal. Maybe, all relationships feel like Mother .If you didn't have such a bad one, it probably wouldn't matter so much .
 You had what you had .
   What can you do but be you and let the chips fall where they may.Be real and you will learn real things. I am not saying you won't screw up royally . You will but  you will get real. When it is all said and  done,isn't that the goal?
  
  What if you don't know who  you are and you are in a relationship
 That would be called "on the job" training. If you get fired, so be it.
 You got to think that way about life and relationships.
 You can't hold on to the "what ifs" and "hows"
 They go as they will go with a life of their own. I believe that.