NM's birthday

[English]

Yesterday I went to celebrate NM's birthday. This was my first time to be around her since I decided she was N.  Everything was OK although I was tense the entire time.  I also was very anxious before going. 

I made the gift I gave; a copy on disc of a season of her favorite show.  And a disc of one movie I KNOW she wants to see.  But they were copies--not store bought.  So the eating, cake, gifts....We were talkiing about a gift she received from her H and I asked where he got it.  I might want to get it for someone I knew. H tried to tell me, but I said wait I need to think about it before I get online to buy it right away.  Then NM said, "I know you aren't going to get it." At that point I had not yet decided what I was going to do.  I still haven't. I replied, "How do you know what I'm thinking?"  (This was a calculated response.  I wanted to know how NM would respond)  NStepF replied in her defense, "Because she's your mother."  Boy am I tired of that response of entitlement just because she gave birth to me, she can know everything about me...It's like they think they OWN me.  I am not a separate person.  I am there to feed their NS.

As I left she said," Thanks for going to the trouble to make copies for me."  Boy I can tell, I'm going down on her list of least favorite people.  Because of her behavior and my anxiety, I am not going to see her until Thanksgiving.  I will only respond to her phone calls on Saturdays.  She doesn't know my new boundaries yet.  I don't know if I'm going to tell them to her. (I'm scared to).  I may just tell her I'm too busy.  I used that all last school year. Kind of wimping out here, I'm afraid of her response. crying, anger, questioning me, attacks...talking about me behind my back (Of course she already does this.)

I'm glad to have found this board.
Thanks,
English

[English]

When I came home yesterday, I went to bed, curled up in a fetal position, and listened to an Enya CD.  And went to sleep.  I can escape my feelings by sleeping.  Not good.  How do you deal with your horrible feelings about yourself after an encounter with NM?  I am proud of the fact that I had confronted her, but it took a toll.

[Ami]

When I came home yesterday, I went to bed, curled up in a fetal position, and listened to an Enya CD.  And went to sleep.  I can escape my feelings by sleeping.  Not good.  How do you deal with your horrible feelings about yourself after an encounter with NM?  I am proud of the fact that I had confronted her, but it took a toll.

I just want to give you a hug, ((((English)))))                           Ami

[Lucky]

When I came home yesterday, I went to bed, curled up in a fetal position, and listened to an Enya CD.  And went to sleep.  I can escape my feelings by sleeping.  Not good.  How do you deal with your horrible feelings about yourself after an encounter with NM?  I am proud of the fact that I had confronted her, but it took a toll.

The pain is terrible after having been treated like sh*t for the umpteenth time, it hurts so much. Hang in there.

[BonesMS]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((English)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Given that NWomb-Donor and her NSycophant are so TRIFLING, I would LOVE to be able to say to 'em:   "Ahhhhhhh!!!!  You ain't worth my time!"   

Bones

[Lollie]

Hi, English and welcome to the board.

I just read your story. It's only been a few weeks since you've come to the realization that your mom in N. I know from my own experience that it was really, really hard to spend any time with my mother after I had that initial ightbulb moment about what was wrong with her. In a way, I was relieved because I had a name for it and a lot of things finally made sense, but on the other hand, I was like, "What am I supposed to do with this?" Do I shout it out and tell the world? Do I confront her? Do I try to change her? Can I still get her to love me? Etc. It takes time to answer these questions and find the balance of what you want, what you will accept from a relationship with her.

Of course you are going to have bad feelings after interacting with her, especially since it's so soon since you've come to the conclusion that your mom in an N.  If you are gentle with yourself and listen to your own voice, you will find ways to cope with the bad feelings you have after seeing her. (And who says sleeping is bad? Maybe you were exhausted. God knows, they can be exhausting.) I've found that journaling helps. Talking to a good therapist helps. I also need to do something physical to get my anger out. (I saw my nMom on Saturday. On Sunday, I took my my DD to the batting cages. For an hour, all we did was hit balls really hard. It was a great release.)

I think that not seeing your mom until Thanksgiving may give you some breathing space so you can focus on yourself and what you want from your relationship with her.

Best to you.
Lollie.

[HeartofPilgrimage]

I don't think it's wimpy to just say you're too busy instead of entering WWIII by saying "I don't want to talk to you so often." I think it's smart. Eventually she will confront you about you pulling away, mine did that to me. But part of setting boundaries is that you have a right to not take someone's calls if you don't want to and you don't have to always explain to them.

[Twoapenny]

Hi English,

It's not wimping out to just pretend to be busy rather than getting into a huge fight over the situation.  When I first wanted to reduce contact with my mum I told her I was working full time when in fact I was at home all day with my little boy.  When I eventually went no contact I didn't tell her, I just didn't contact her again and she's never contacted me either, apart from a couple of nasty letters.  You have enough to deal with at the minute without getting into a big rift over the way you feel, so if keeping under the radar works best for now then do that.  I think you handled the birthday situation really well, and I think sleeping your way through bad feelings is better than drinking through them or getting high, so don't give yourself a hard time about how you handle it.  It's very early days, just take baby steps and be nice to yourself.  Thinking of you,

Twoapenny xx

[cgm1028]

I echo everything the other ladies have said.  Its imperative you take care of yourself, you are the only one who can do that.  NM are ungrateful and spiteful!

[English]

Thanks for all the support and validation.

One other weird thing at her birthday "party".  She commented out of the blue that her NH's head was a large as my F's.  She had never met anyone else who had such a large head.  I think she was trying to say that NH was a INTELLIGENT as F.  (F is a physicist).  Intelligence is something she holds very high on her list.  So she's trying to say how great she is by being married to men with big heads.
 
It's really kind of hilarious but sad too. 

She also made another dig at me.  She commented that there were no decorations for her birthday. (Meaning I should have thought to bring some).  She's 69 years old!  Decorations are for children (4 year olds) like her.  I'm not saying it's childish to decorate for an adult's birthday.  It's just that at 69 she still expects it.  It would feed her NS.  Balloons and such are nice, but I'm 49, I celebrate my birthday for the CHOCOLATE birthday cake!!!  Ooooh, 5 months til chocolate!

[English]

NM tells a story which SHE thinks is cute.  She loves to say how at 4 years old I would tell her, "I'm a real person."

She thinks this is funny.  Boy I can see that even at such a young age, she was affecting me.  I feel so sorry for that child.  Her NM didn't validate her.  It was all about NM.

[Ami]

Thanks for all the support and validation.

One other weird thing at her birthday "party".  She commented out of the blue that her NH's head was a large as my F's.  She had never met anyone else who had such a large head.  I think she was trying to say that NH was a INTELLIGENT as F.  (F is a physicist).  Intelligence is something she holds very high on her list.  So she's trying to say how great she is by being married to men with big heads.
 
It's really kind of hilarious but sad too. 

She also made another dig at me.  She commented that there were no decorations for her birthday. (Meaning I should have thought to bring some).  She's 69 years old!  Decorations are for children (4 year olds) like her.  I'm not saying it's childish to decorate for an adult's birthday.  It's just that at 69 she still expects it.  It would feed her NS.  Balloons and such are nice, but I'm 49, I celebrate my birthday for the CHOCOLATE birthday cake!!!  Ooooh, 5 months til chocolate!

The head thing is really funny , the ways they build themselves up  . ((( English))), you were saying you were a "real" person NOT an object. You were telling your M you did not want to be an object to her.
When I was 3-5, I used to ask people on the trolleys in Boston if they would take me home and be my mother?.We still have that child in us who "knows"but we had to bury it very far because we had an NM.                      xxoo   Ami

[HeartofPilgrimage]

English, I think the big head thing is funny, too ... we all have big heads in our family (my two sons at ages 4 and 7 had to have adult-size hats) ... I always say it's because of the thick skulls .

I am not often tempted to cry when reading, even though many heartbreaking stories are told on this forum. But your little phrase as a four year old really touched me "I'm a real person." I think partly because you had the need to affirm it ... but also because the knowledge that you were --- and are --- a real person came from somewhere. You knew you were a real person. Not everybody knows that even when they are grown-ups.

[bearwithme]

NM tells a story which SHE thinks is cute.  She loves to say how at 4 years old I would tell her, "I'm a real person."

She thinks this is funny.  Boy I can see that even at such a young age, she was affecting me.  I feel so sorry for that child.  Her NM didn't validate her.  It was all about NM.

Oh boy, do we have the same Nmom's!!  At my bridal shower 4 years ago she told a story to everyone that she came across a letter that I had written her when I was just 8 years old and said that I was "cute" and "sweet" because it said,  "Mommy, I love you so much...you are the best Mommy to have....I just don't want you to say that you hate me anymore because I love you so much and what you said makes me cry...."  Nmom continued to tell everyone that she thought I was so sweet to write her such a nice letter at such a young age.

Can you believe that?  I told this to my T and he said she has true NPD.

English, I'm sorry you have an N for a mother.  It's hard, I know. It does not get easier, you just get smarter and stronger.  Nmom's are sick and they can't help themselves.  It's okay to be sad.  Feel sad because you need to feel your feelings because they are real and valid, they are a part of you and they matter.  You matter most.

[Dreamedeeri]

Oh boy, do we have the same Nmom's!!  At my bridal shower 4 years ago she told a story to everyone that she came across a letter that I had written her when I was just 8 years old and said that I was "cute" and "sweet" because it said,  "Mommy, I love you so much...you are the best Mommy to have....I just don't want you to say that you hate me anymore because I love you so much and what you said makes me cry...."  Nmom continued to tell everyone that she thought I was so sweet to write her such a nice letter at such a young age.

BWM? Can I just barf now? Ugh. (((BWM))) My NM talks about how she "yelled at you kids all the time" like it's a cute family story. Apparently yelling all the time shows her excellent parenting skills. This is the same NM, who when she said she felt sorry for my exNSIL, because her mom was so hard on her, I said, "You were hard on me too you know." "No I wasn't!" she snapped immediately. OK, I guess yelling is not being "hard on a person". Yep, they all go to crazy school together, as Erin from the WIEBGE board would say.