walked away from a one year relationship

[Nonameanymore]

Hey Alesia,

Sorry to hear you split up but glad you felt that you deserve something more.
I am a big believer in the law of attraction and am aware when I attract a certain type of person.
I have managed in the past to be in relationship with a person who would, under normal circumstances, act like a decent human being, only shortly after to display a pig's attitude towards me.
Not sure if it helps but I believe that if one has strong boundaries from the beginnning (something that I have managed in the past only for the very beginning, few hours, days, etc) eventually the person gets the message that they cannot be in a relationship without contributing to it with time, effort, love, accountability, respect etc. In this case, if you go past the guilt period (was I too hard on them? etc), when a person sticks, they worth the effort and all of the above to be reciprocal.

I feel for your stuggle, I really do.
Pxx

[Ales2]

Hey Pxx,

Thanks so much for your helpful and kind comments.  Looking back - I kind of thought I was doing the right thing (and I was seeing a therapist during the relationship and he was well aware of my current and past N issues) because I was guiding it toward a relationship and always was. But in some ways, maybe I could have outlined the guideposts better - but it had been so long since I'd been in any kind of relationship, I partly wanted to let it develop on its own and have some patience (his timeframe of expectations may be different than mine) but that might have been my downfall.  Its exactly what you were saying about sending the message about your relationship needs being met.  In my case, I thought that when he's really interested is when he is most invested in nurturing/furthering the relationship.  My mistake.

Thanks again for your input...

[Nonameanymore]

Alesia,

Don't beat yourself up.
There's a book on relationships called 'Addiction to love' if I remember well that presents the best case scenario that is so picture perfect, you know it can never happen in real life!

One of the first CODA things I remember is that entering relationships is practice for our newly found skills... In this case, you did a great job!

P

[Ami]

Ns and some other Personality Types recognize, sooner than we do, that we dont have healthy egos. Thats why they prey on us.  It takes us some time to discover it, understand it and change it. I'm trying my best, but not 100% there yet.   For me, I really had a blind spot about it. I wondered why I kept attacting bully bosses and people who could not love, respect, work and invest with me.  I do believe in the law of attraction, but I think for many of us - it does not work because we are either blind to our issues, or we can not resolve them, or they are very complex. I think this  is/was true in my case.

Thanks for your support Ami.

Dear Ales
 I am  at this crossroads,now. I woke up in a panic, today. I am REALIZING all these false distortions I had so I could take care of my M.
 *I* had to be perfect so I could be under her way of thinking. I had to be BAD so she could feel GOOD about herself. She made me feel if *I* had an identity I would kill her. She made me feel I was CRAZY just cuz I wanted to be separate. I see that,.now. Then,on top of it , she would ridicule me for being SO dependent and incompetent.
 Tell me what person could be emotionally healthy with that mess .
  I SEE it ,now, Ales.
  I would have a party to celebrate and invite you and all my Board friends ,if I could.
  We have to SEE it. Keep looking for what is real, real, real.
 Our woes and troubles are cuz of lies, many lies.                                                      Ami

[Ales2]

Thanks Pxx and Ami for your helpful comments.

Today I was thinking a couple of things:
I kept using the same approach w/him - I probably should have changed it up to get a different response.
Or, maybe I could have done a better job at finding a communication style that he likes better

Also, I wonder if maybe my insistence that he meet my friends was presented in a way that I needed it to validate us rather than they are just a bunch of fun people we should spend time with.  I was also critical about NM - I;m glad I was - I wanted to be honest - all I said was we dont along well- but maybe I should just have left him to discover it himself.

just thoughts that distract me from important duties here on my desk.....

[Hopalong]

Hi Ales,

I know in relationships where I've had to "manage" or "strategize" it's never worked out...
and plenty of times I was controlling as hell about those things because I was so anxious.

And usually, my feeling that way was triggered by TWO things:

--my unrecognized fears of real intimacy (well disguised in my psyche by fantasies about romance)
--the partner I was focused on wasn't really fully available for a committed relationship anyway

Ring any bells? Hope you're not being unkind to yourself...

hugs
Hops