Upcoming Holidays

[Ales2]

How does everyone handle the holidays? I'm 41, single and don't have anyone to spend the holidays with except my NM,  and my brother - and he's going through a bad year so I'm going to be by myself. What does everyone else do?  Any advice on how to get through the holidays?

[cgm1028]

You could maybe host something yourself.  Possibly there are others you may know that don't have anywhere to go either.

You could also volunteer at various charitable organizations. 

I'm sure you'll think of something. 

[HeartofPilgrimage]

I posted about this in a separate thread, but as I have a big family of my own it's never just me and my mom. However, there are other complications when there are other people because any time you have a N around you have inflexibility, which means either you get the N all riled up, or everybody else has to accommodate them. I often have problems with flexible thinking myself --- I either get in the mode of "there's no way in h*ll I'm accommodating her" or in the mode of "oh, for pete's sake just give her her way." So around the holidays I always have a challenge of responding to EACH SPECIFIC situation that comes up rather than getting into one mode of thinking that I apply to every situation that arises. In other words, consider each thing that happens separately and make a decision based on the merits of the situation rather than have a knee-jerk reaction. It's a challenge but I guess it's good for me.

Last year there was a major fight with my mother on Christmas Day (in the past year I have been working on not letting her get my goat) ... and so my husband, kids still at home, and I are taking a short fun trip Christmas week as part of our celebration, and de-emphasizing Christmas Day. Fewer presents under the tree, fewer sweets and rich food. We don't plan to get "trapped" with Mom at her house any more ... that seemed to give her free reign to hammer me. I think that the catalyst for the big fight (for her) was that she gets almost manic at the holidays ... her anxiety is like on hyper-drive.

I don't know if there's anything in my experience that you can use, as a single person, but maybe you can glean some things from what I've been through?

[Hopalong]

Ales 2...

I recommend volulnteering!
And sign up now since lots of other loose-end folks will want to too.
Soup kitchens get overrun with volunteers but those who make it in, are happy!

Try that, or volunteer at a nearby nursing home.

It is so much more satisfying than a tortured biofamily holiday...I am so glad I no longer let my blood pressure change one point over Christmas. I change the channel, watch movies, enjoy some sacred music and a few candles. That's it.

ENJOY it. Hit me once I finally was able to escape the holiday-obligation-pathos-why don't I have Norman Rockwell, etc. --
how much NICER it is to just help somebody, enjoy some peace, and get out of the idiotic, consurmerist, media-driven mayhem.

In a nursing home, it's the hand holding and a little hand massage with nice lotion and a gentle presence that will make some lonesome old person's holiday...not the artificial cheer, decorations, all that....

Do what feels good to you, but planning it now is very very smart of you.

hugs
Hops

[sunblue]

This topic always hits me hard...I find holidays very, very difficult.  It is the time when I have the most difficult time refocusing my thinking away from the pain and sadness...

All the suggestions made here were good ones....but for me, I'd say do whatever it is you need to do to get through it...and hopefully in a way in which you will give back to YOURSELF.....If that means, volunteering, go do it.  If that means, going to a movie....reading a book...renting movies...going away somewhere for the weekend....seeing a friend....asking someone to dinner...cooking for yourself...whatever it is, just do it....It will not be easy for your thoughts will likely linger of your Nfamily....but that's ok....Holidays do that...even for non-N families..

I think the best thing you can do is do something nice for yourself.....you deserve it..

[Sealynx]

Volunteer to serve Christmas/Thanksgiving dinner or lunch to the homeless at your local shelter. Some friends used to do that and they said it was very rewarding.

I use Christmas eve to start a new painting. I think inventing your own tradition is important. I enjoy being with my pet house rabbits, but if I didn't have pets I think I'd book at hotel room in some quaint ski village and spend the evening there with a good bottle of wine. There are some great women's snowboarding and adventure groups that have outings around Christmas. I think the key is to turn the word "alone" into "free".

[Nonameanymore]

Ales I am 39 and single too, on top of which I am back at home country and had a fallout with my best friend of 15 years that alienated me from everybody. I have met some nice people from new job and I know I am not going to be alone - at least I hope so - but it's still a scary thought.
Don't get me wrong you guys you suggested the volunteering, these are great ideas, BUT I have spent twice new year's eve alone at home and it's very hard to get over your self-pity and help other people when you feel this alone and miserable. I think it's more the idea of 'I don't have a family to share it with, a husband and kids'.
During childhood, New Year for instance was either spent watching NM practising her precious money bringing rituals (some stuff for good luck) so I have always been hopeful for a picture-perfect, big tree, movie-like type of holiday.

P

[HeartofPilgrimage]

About the longing for "picture-perfect" holidays ... a friend and I were talking, and she commented about a third friend who brags about her "Hallmark-perfect" Christmases. She then said, "Our family's Christmases are more like the Far Side." I had to agree that that description fit our Christmases too!!! And somehow since I've thought of it like that, NOT having the Hallmark card Christmas hasn't bothered me nearly as much (I get a real kick out of the Far Side cartoons). If I like the offbeat and weird every other day of the year, maybe I shouldn't get so bent out of shape when Christmas day is the same way!!

[Nonameanymore]

HoP I guess I am a bit of an N when it comes to Xmas then!  (I am only joking about living in a fantasy world!)

It's not so much about the picture-perfect though: it's more about sitting down as a family, with the odd dysfunction of course, but still loving, among people who are far from perfect but care for each other.
This isn't a fantasy, I have seen it happen!

P.

[Hopalong]

I don't think anyone should feel guilty if they DON'T volunteer to get through holidays...
it's just been shown in studies that people feel happy when they do.

Choose happy, however you can create it!

xo
Hops

[debkor]

What is picture perfect?

I liked the way the lights looked on a snow evening how they glowed.  I loved the Thanksgiving Day *special shows* no dvd back then and oh so many shows I just couldn't wait to watch, Mighty Joe Young, March of the Wooden Soldiers (Now Babes in Toy Land) the smell of Turkey (not really the taste) Thanksgiving Parade all those balloons...The animated commericals...Oh so many memories..my memories.   Sure there was family cooking in the kitchen and I couldn't even tell you if they were ready to wing turkeys at each other because I was in my own feeling of peace and warmth....Holidays has started.  My magical time. 

Sure I'm in the kitchen now with the TV on and memories come into play those warm My Holidays...that I hoped my kids would feel as I did. They did.  I watched them and saw it was as magical as it was to me.  Theirs were Home Alone and believe it or not Babes in Toyland my March of the Wooden Soldiers...

So yes I do enjoy the holidays as much as I always have because you can't take away my Magic as a kid...Even if today there are Turkeys going to be thrown...I still have my Christmas and I live it every one since (watching my shows).  Now available on dvd which comes in handy since I'm the one cooking now and kids (even grown) watching the shows.

So if I had to be alone I would never be (really) I'd grab a Turkey TV dinner or two, turn on that TV or rent those tapes...and Magic!

Maybe not picture perfect for everyone but for me...Very much So.

One of my favorites now...Polar Express.  I remember watching with my youngest S when it came out and I was just as Wowed as he was....Wow this is so Magical like I felt as a kid watching the shows then.  Lets not forget It's a wonderful life.

That is how I would create mine...or recreate it every year....

I mean as I got older of course I had to do the hustle and the bustle but even my own kids created (their magic) what it meant to them beyond just family together they had their own Magic...Me now Them...How about you?

Trust me I'll be on the couch so if you decide to go this way...Your not alone!

Love
Deb