Did I finally get it right with a boundary?

[Nonameanymore]

Hi all,

First of all I am settled in the new home and although I don't yet have crockery or cutlery, it feels good to be there!

I have been struggling with boundaries ever since my first CODA days and they have been a source of friction since I understood some of the basics and of course I went from a person with no boundaries at all to one that has walls around her.

In the last few years I slowly managed to put them to good use when it came to work and some other minor situations but my big issues were friendship and romance.

In terms of friendship, they lead me to a fight with my friend of 15 years and although I have wanted to share this for some time now, I decided I m ok with it for now and maybe will explore it later.

Now the romance part: it is so hard for me to place a boundary in this type of relationship as I still think that there is nothing worthwhile in me, and that the moment I will set a boundary, the other person who perceive it as a thread and run the other way. I have a considerable amount of relationships under my belt where I always felt second best, where I choose the type of person that would never give me the time of day, that he would be either emotionally unavailable, fresh out of a relationship etc. Ironically I have been emotionally unavailable for quite some time now and about two weeks ago, we sort of started dating with someone from work that is separated for 4 months and who like me was in that place where he thought that he would never be able to start another relationship as he was hurt and thought of his ex as irreplaceable. So we started dating and although he said he couldn’t promise me anything, as the two weeks rolled, we obviously got very interested in each other and those ‘rules’ shifted. To make a long story short, we dated sort of secretly a) because of his position at work (which I understand and is better for me) and b) because of a legal battle he will start with his ex.

Of course I started not being ok with the whole secret thing; at the end of the day why would a man who likes me that much has to keep me a secret from everybody? We did say we would do that for some time only, like a month or so, but I wasn’t ok with it any longer. The last 2-3 days I have been feeling really bad about the whole secrecy, and especially since a friend of his visited and because he didn’t want to say that he is dating someone, we could only see each other 2-3 hours this weekend.

So yesterday I snapped. A part of me thought the old way and was sure that if I raised my concerns (I already did in a mild way) he would say ‘this is what I have to offer, take it or leave it’. But the other part was screaming louder and said that I am tired of being second best. So I talked to him and said that although originally I said that I am ok with it, and he is great, I realise that the whole package comes with conditions that I don’t think I am able to comply with, because I don’t think I am something to be hidden, as in something bad that one should feel embarrassed about.

To my good surprise, he said he was thinking of it the last couple of days and trying to put himself in my shoes, he was willing to start lifting the veil of secrecy and make an effort to include me more. I felt really, really, really relieved!

I just wanted to share this with you guys. I am not sure that this sort of boundary would have worked in any of my ‘second-best’ type of relationships of the past, but I am really glad I did it now (and don’t have a clue where I found the strength to do it!).

I wish I was able to place such boundaries with NM, who although I am NC since 95, she still won’t accept it…


P.

[Ami]

Oh (((P.))) That is  so good that you put up that boundary . The fact that you got such a good outcome must change some of your old paradigms.
 You did really, really well!!!!!                   xxooo Ami

[Nonameanymore]

Thanks Ami! I feel really lucky with this one. Maybe my radar is turning to the right direction for a change and this is why I got the opportunity to find a person that is ok working with boundaries... But the truth is I felt really empowered after this. If things wouldn't have worked out, I know I would be devastated but it would feel ok that I honoured myself. Somehow this is becoming more and more important (hope I am not turning to a full blown N!). But I told him something I read that has marked me that is 'you can't take care of your feelings and the other person's too, with each situation you have to make a choice'. Every time I have a transaction with someone, I think of this. I told the man that I took care of his feelings so far but it was now my turn in this particular situation and that I was sorry but it was something I had to do.

Still have to sort the mess with my friend but one thing at a time!

P.

[CB123]

Persephone.

This is wonderful!  You did great...I'll bet you feel like a million bucks.  You always do when you know what you need to do and then have the courage to do it.

No, you arent an N.  Setting boundaries is normal human behavior (we just dont do it very much--average is not the same as normal).  It's a recognition of where I end and the next person begins.  An N has no idea what that is--he thinks that I am part of him.

I'm becoming convinced that this kind of back and forth negotiating is part of normal relationships.  For too long, I thought that normal meant that he knew what I wanted.  In other words it was HIS job to set my boundaries.  I dont know how much of this is because of my FOO, but it doesnt matter any more.  At this point, I just want to figure out how to do it.

Congratulations!

CB

[Nonameanymore]

Thanks CB!

I really feel what you mean about expecting others to set your own boundaries. It can be very confusing since the other person may take a bit too much headspace to your own detriment. I think this was a pattern for me for many years, if I would find the gut to ask for something and didn't get it, I ended up apologising for being 'demanding and needy'. In all honesty, the first couple of times I tried to talk to this man, it did feel a bit like that. I was thinking to myself 'but he made it clear that he can't give guarantees and promises, I shouldn't be demanding', but then I thought to myself 'wait a minute, he can't be asking for things when he is giving the bare minimum', and this is when I started feeling this discomfort that I think most of us are familiar with.
Being a codependent for so long, I find that I was making subtle demands or attempts of manipulation, and that wasn't good either.

The funny thing is that I think that people respect you a great deal more when you have boundaries. I have seen this happening in work scenarios where some people are asked to stay late whereas others are out the door on the dot...

P.

[Ami]

Persephone.

This is wonderful!  You did great...I'll bet you feel like a million bucks.  You always do when you know what you need to do and then have the courage to do it.

No, you arent an N.  Setting boundaries is normal human behavior (we just dont do it very much--average is not the same as normal).  It's a recognition of where I end and the next person begins.  An N has no idea what that is--he thinks that I am part of him.

I'm becoming convinced that this kind of back and forth negotiating is part of normal relationships.  For too long, I thought that normal meant that he knew what I wanted.  In other words it was HIS job to set my boundaries.  I dont know how much of this is because of my FOO, but it doesnt matter any more.  At this point, I just want to figure out how to do it.

Congratulations!

CB

Very good point!  Thank you ,CB.                                                   Ami