Hi CB,
Thanks for the very thoughtful questions. The thing is, I really don't feel as though I've designed a life that works for me. Rather than managing it well, I feel I have more or less been surviving it unhappily, with compromises and omissions I'm a bit despairing about. Realities such as financial stress (preventable, if I'd had a coherent plan rather than getting the next job I could grab--"hunter" sure applies to my bouncy resume) -- don't defeat me, but the organization, daily tending, practical practices that keep one safer, saner, and healthier...I've failed at those.
Bounced through a hell of a lot of relationships, too.
One thing occurs to me is the craving for stimulation you mention -- seems to me that's a major characteristic. The written report I got sums it up. My lifelong problems with:
completing tasks efficiently
poor follow-through
impulsivity
disorganization
poor focus
poor time management
shifting from one uncompleted activity to another
procrastination
forgetfulness
organzing tasks within the home
excitability
Historically:
struggle with math
flunked a grade (9th--pure despair, just "quit")
disciplined for talking too much
inattentive
distractible
Underlying depression and anxiety are present but do not account for the early onset and breadth of the symptoms. And on the computerized tests, my scores are "consistent with those obtained from adults who carry a diagnosis of ADHD".
None of it has prevented me from being a hell of a writer (present performance excepted!) and editor...when I focus on those I am full-brain functional. But planning a life? Feh. Not so good.
More I think about it, and more I think about how I feel, more I think it'd just make sense to do a trial of the Rx. I can always stop it if the side effects are onerous. And if the effect is life-changing in a positive way, well heck! Life's kind of short and I've been kind of miserable. I've looked up the cheapest, oldest and most generic stimulant that's been used...Consumer Reports has a report on the most effective and inexpensive ADD Rx., so that's what I'll ask for.
Will talk to my T and my family Dr. and see how it goes.
Thanks much for asking.
Dunno if I told y'all this, but the doc's own story was, although very different from mine, extremely compelling. He had struggled in school, acted out, done all sorts of VERY disorganized things (from an adolescent male perspective) and generally felt like a total failure. His family had given up on him. He enlisted and went to Viet Nam, where many of the soldiers were doing all sorts of drugs like M&Ms. Someone handed him a tablet of speed, and 20 minutes later, he felt a shift in his brain, and suddenly he said to himself, "Oh my god. This is what normal feels like." He came back, went to school, became a successful psychologist and ADD expert. Very nice man. Not a pill "pusher" but completely convinced that the Rx are simply fixing a dopamine issue and the results are night and day for many people he works with. (If I refused Rx and just want to deal with it behavorially, he offers plenty of info for that too.)
He suggested these authors and web sites:
Russell Barkley, PhD
Kevin Murphy, PhD
(these 2 are at the forefront of ADD research, he says--they offer many links on their sites)
and books by Ned Hallowell, MD and John Ratey, MD (Driven to Distraction and Answers to Distraction)
One thing I'm happy about is my D decided to be evaluated too. If her results are similar and she could be saved decades of similar frustration from having (and perhaps treating) such a diagnosis, that would make everything worth it, hands down.
She's clear on her boundary though--her Dx and her decision about it are her business. And I agree. I was delighted that she accepted the offer to be tested, though.
Amber, your hubby is so lucky he's married to you. I know many women who are mercilessly critical of their mate's eccentricities. I know how hard it is to be around a packrat, too--my ex was practically a hoarder. It's nice to read how understanding and loving you are about his stuff. That said, he might find his own existence gets happier if he finds out why and how he does all that...maybe he'd enjoy some ADD testing too! (Or maybe he's just exactly fine as he is, lucky fellow.) Do you have common areas in the home he doesn't clutter up? That's the agreement I came to with my D's dad...he could decorate his study to his heart's content (it extended to posters on the CEILINGS when he ran out of wall space), but the LR, DR, kitchen, had to be reasonably uncluttered. Still, it was tough, aesthetically, for me....
Thanks, guys. I didn't know I was ready to write all this out so thanks also to M02 for the nudge.
love,
Hops
