Author Topic: Need to vent too  (Read 1880 times)

Nonameanymore

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Need to vent too
« on: December 23, 2009, 09:00:34 AM »
I am boiling.
A little less than a month ago and after a fight with my ‘best’ friend who turned out to be the worst gossiper ever, and after an attempt to patch things up with her and an email in which I stated that she means a lot to me and I would like to work things out, she sent me an email by which she attacked me by presenting a persona that is definitely not me. What hurt me most was the fact that she wrote that her and the other ‘friend’ have more important things to do like raising a family – a pretty low hit because I personally do not have a family.

Fast forward, we got an email at work saying that we will not work on Xmas Eve and New Year’s eve. This is a day job for me on minimum salary while I work on my screenwriting. Things are going great in the freelance dept (and one of these will become something more permanent) but I have to stay at this day job till the money kicks in for a month or two more. But I CANT pay my bills solely on this salary.

Anyway, strike one, the commercial director who happens to be my boyfriend but nobody knows, calls me in the meeting room to tell me that ok, I can take the day off on Christmas Eve but I have to work on New Year’s Eve (out of the blue since none of the days was an issue, we got the email). I first take it out on him on how come the boss didn’t tell me so but sent this guy to talk to me. May I say that I have 6 days off from this year but things are shitty workwise in Greece and you have to take your days off whenever they allow you to take them.

I went really mad and went to the boss’s office and say ‘I am really angry that you sent your CD to talk to me, while you should have spoken to me about the days off. May I remind you that you sent an email saying we will not be working and given you that you know very well I cannot survive on 850 euros a month, I booked myself some work.’ (he knows about the work and he did hire me knowing that I will do more stuff, that I would only stay here for a short while and the deal was that we both agreed on this since day one)

So he started guilt-tripping me that the other girl needs to spend time with her kids and I have no kids that really made me furious. So I tell him ‘is H’s problem to spend time with her kids more important than my problem of not being able to afford to pay my bills in 10 days’ time?’ And he sort of said yes.

Anyway this is the gist – I am really emotional right now, really angry and really feel devalued as a person because I don’t have kids – and this because I didn’t want to bring another unhappy soul in this world, just in case I would turn out to be a bloody N myself and therefore unfit to be a mother.

The price is paid anyway.

Sorry if this doesn’t make sense. I did stand up for myself and said I am not coming, I am going to do my freelance both days but stupid boss said that he is ‘very disappointed’ in me. Boo-f***ing-hoo.

P.

Ami

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Re: Need to vent too
« Reply #1 on: December 23, 2009, 09:27:21 AM »
Dear (((P)))
 I have kids and it did nothing to change my inner hatred for myself and my profound lack of self esteem. Those "gifts" are from the NM and nothing in the outside world will change them.
 You have many gifts. I am sure you are attractive. You are intelligent and insightful. Have any of these ever changed your self esteem?
 NO lifestyle situation  or relationship will make that deep inner core NM pain go away,IME.
 People do many hurtful and thoughtless things such as was done to you. It is part of THEIR issues that they hurt you like this.
 Don't let their nastiness wound you.                             xxxoo   Ami


PS I don't mean to sound hopeless cuz I believe spiritual things and heart  love from other humans can re build our brokenness.
« Last Edit: December 23, 2009, 09:33:04 AM by Ami »
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

BonesMS

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Re: Need to vent too
« Reply #2 on: December 23, 2009, 10:00:33 AM »
I am boiling.
A little less than a month ago and after a fight with my ‘best’ friend who turned out to be the worst gossiper ever, and after an attempt to patch things up with her and an email in which I stated that she means a lot to me and I would like to work things out, she sent me an email by which she attacked me by presenting a persona that is definitely not me. What hurt me most was the fact that she wrote that her and the other ‘friend’ have more important things to do like raising a family – a pretty low hit because I personally do not have a family.

Fast forward, we got an email at work saying that we will not work on Xmas Eve and New Year’s eve. This is a day job for me on minimum salary while I work on my screenwriting. Things are going great in the freelance dept (and one of these will become something more permanent) but I have to stay at this day job till the money kicks in for a month or two more. But I CANT pay my bills solely on this salary.

Anyway, strike one, the commercial director who happens to be my boyfriend but nobody knows, calls me in the meeting room to tell me that ok, I can take the day off on Christmas Eve but I have to work on New Year’s Eve (out of the blue since none of the days was an issue, we got the email). I first take it out on him on how come the boss didn’t tell me so but sent this guy to talk to me. May I say that I have 6 days off from this year but things are shitty workwise in Greece and you have to take your days off whenever they allow you to take them.

I went really mad and went to the boss’s office and say ‘I am really angry that you sent your CD to talk to me, while you should have spoken to me about the days off. May I remind you that you sent an email saying we will not be working and given you that you know very well I cannot survive on 850 euros a month, I booked myself some work.’ (he knows about the work and he did hire me knowing that I will do more stuff, that I would only stay here for a short while and the deal was that we both agreed on this since day one)

So he started guilt-tripping me that the other girl needs to spend time with her kids and I have no kids that really made me furious. So I tell him ‘is H’s problem to spend time with her kids more important than my problem of not being able to afford to pay my bills in 10 days’ time?’ And he sort of said yes.

Anyway this is the gist – I am really emotional right now, really angry and really feel devalued as a person because I don’t have kids – and this because I didn’t want to bring another unhappy soul in this world, just in case I would turn out to be a bloody N myself and therefore unfit to be a mother.

The price is paid anyway.

Sorry if this doesn’t make sense. I did stand up for myself and said I am not coming, I am going to do my freelance both days but stupid boss said that he is ‘very disappointed’ in me. Boo-f***ing-hoo.

P.


I can relate to your anger as I have had similar sh*t thrown in my face because I don't have kids.

Bones
Back Off Bug-A-Loo!

Twoapenny

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Re: Need to vent too
« Reply #3 on: December 23, 2009, 10:26:42 AM »
P, I am so sorry that you are having this thrown at you, especially at this time of year when problems affect us all a lot more than they do at other times.

I think in both cases the people you are having problems with are ignoring their own behaviour and making out like you're the one with the problem.  Whether you have kids or not is irrelevant; your friend has rebuked what sounded like a really nice attempt on your part to make things better and your boss has gone back on your original agreement and didn't even have the guts to tell you himself.  Both are trying to guilt trip you with the kids things which is pretty low.  No doubt if you had kids that would have been used against you in much the same way; people like that will use anything they can so you can't win, no matter what.

If your friend doesn't want to be friends with you any more she could have just contacted you less and let it die out on its own or she could have told you straight that she doesn't enjoy your company like she used to and would rather not see you any more.  Instead she throws a cheap shot at you which makes you feel like a demanding, petulant child - that's what she's aiming for.  Your boss is doing the same thing; he knows your situation, arrangements have been made, he's remade those arrangements and tried to impose them on you, then makes you feel like he's doing you a massive favour by 'allowing' you to stick with your original arrangement and chucks in a guilt trip with it about your colleague needing to be with her children.  If it's that big a deal for him he can pay a temp to come in for the day and cover for anyone that can't or won't work.

Jeez - I'm steaming now as well.  These people are a**holes, P.  I know that doesn't help much at the minute or make you feel any better but these are definitely unpleasant people to be around.  It's so hard because we do seem to draw people like this to us and their comments and actions hurt so much because they're so reminiscent of the kind of c**p we had to deal with growing up.

On the positive side, you stood up to your boss, held your ground and refused to be swayed by his emotional blackmail - that's a really good thing.  Your 'friend' doesn't deserve your friendship or the nice email you sent her.

Try and bear in mind that people like this will use any situation against you - if you did have kids you'd have got a load of 'the world doesn't revolve around you because you had a baby' type stuff.  It's hard when people chuck stuff at you that you've no control over - I've had stuff thrown at me because of mental health problems in the past.  It's hard to shrug it off but try to see that it's them with the problem, not you, and you've handled the whole situation really well.

Having children is no-one's business but your own.  Deciding to have kids is your decision, no-one else's, and no-one is a better or worse person because of that.  It's a cheap shot to throw and I hope that you get out of that job, and away from that friend, sooner rather than later.

Thinking of you, P, and hoping you will spoil yourself a bit and give yourself a big pat on the back for handling these morons as well as you have.

Twoapenny xx

Nonameanymore

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Re: Need to vent too
« Reply #4 on: December 23, 2009, 10:45:07 AM »
Thanks Ami, Bones and Tap,
dont know why I am so emotional but I have been sitting on my desk for the last 2 hours and silently cry.
Thank God in 10 minutes I will be gone...

P xxx

Ami

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Re: Need to vent too
« Reply #5 on: December 23, 2009, 11:08:23 AM »
Crying it very good (((P))). It is God's way of helping us heal!              xxxooo     Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

HeartofPilgrimage

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Re: Need to vent too
« Reply #6 on: December 23, 2009, 11:22:47 AM »
This is coming from a mom and grandma so nobody can accuse me of not understanding what it is to deal with kids (a lot of them). Your situation, Persephone, sounds a lot like what my husband has dealt with with SOME (NOT all) female physicians. Some of these women have fought and scratched and clawed to have the same benefits (education, money, prestige, etc.) as their male colleagues, and then they turn around and don't want to work that hard, and dump work on their male colleagues. They think they can get away with it because they are mothers. Well, most of their male colleagues are fathers, and they don't want to miss times with their families either! And, as you pointed out, people without kids also have needs.

Don't get me wrong --- I absolutely favor women having equal opportunities in the workplace. I just think that when we get equal opportunities, it is horrible to turn around and not pull your weight. Too many women have sacrificed too much so that we can get the same opportunities as men.

Of course, Persephone, it sounds like it's probably not the other woman's fault that these men are trying to dump on you. But it still frustrates and infuriates me. I am just now beginning a career of my own because kids DID take up my time and energy when I was younger. My husband's mother (N though she was) turned down all kinds of promotions at work because she also had a big family and didn't think she could juggle family and a lot of responsibility.

Anyway, I'm sorry you're going through this. It is infuriating.

Nonameanymore

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Re: Need to vent too
« Reply #7 on: December 23, 2009, 01:36:47 PM »
Thanks HoP
Well, I found out that this man does this every Xmas eve, New Year's eve, etc, he likes to make people unhappy. It doesn't really help me but he also fought with his daughter and 3 more colleagues to the point that nobody wished him Merry Xmas.

Oh well. I am better now - my boyfriend sort of smoothed things out but I am still not ok with what happened.
I just don't get how someone likes to make miserable during these holy days - I guess I am away from NM for quite a while so forgot how 'normal' it seems to them.

This is sick.

P.

teartracks

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Re: Need to vent too
« Reply #8 on: December 24, 2009, 12:33:13 AM »



Hi Persephone,

The kind of treatment you've received from your 'friend' and boss is the cockeyed thinking of people who is fickle to the core.   Being on your toes and having to be wary every step of the way is just so exhausting.  The thing is, it's not uncommon for upper ups to treat their subordinates the way you've been treated.  I'm glad you stood up for yourself.

tt



Lucky

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Re: Need to vent too
« Reply #9 on: December 24, 2009, 03:53:10 AM »
I am fourty and don't have kids but I do have animals. Sometimes people at work don't understand that they are my kids and at other times people luckily do understand. It all depends on the character of people if they are willing to see things from your side or not.
Many people at work have kids but not all of them.

Off topic: from the 27th untill the 31st of December my husband and I are going to be in Athens because my husband's son lives there. I am looking forward to it, have never been there.

Twoapenny

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Re: Need to vent too
« Reply #10 on: December 24, 2009, 04:50:12 AM »
Hi P,

I share your disbelief at anyone wanting to cause harm and upset, particularly at this time of the year.  We can all be thoughtless and inconsiderate at times, that's human nature.  But I cannot get my head around those people who deliberately set out to wind other people up and cause a row.

You handled the situation brilliantly and I hope you get to have a good Christmas.

Twoapenny xx

Nonameanymore

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Re: Need to vent too
« Reply #11 on: December 24, 2009, 12:31:22 PM »
Merry Xmas to everyone!

Lucky, where are you flying from?
Drop me an email if you'd like maybe to talk on the phone or meet up!
P xxx

Lucky

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Re: Need to vent too
« Reply #12 on: December 24, 2009, 01:07:38 PM »
Hi Persephone,

We are flying from Schiphol airport in Amsterdam. We are going to have our dinner now so I have to stop  but I will write to you later on.

Ami

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Re: Need to vent too
« Reply #13 on: December 24, 2009, 02:47:12 PM »
Lucky and P--that is so exciting!                                    Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung