Parent Alienation Syndrome

[meadow]

Hi I am new here and not sure if I am in the right place.  It has been suggested to me from my lawyer and my counselor that my former husband might have a Personality Disorder.  They are suspicious of a Narcissstic Personality.  He was and is very abusive and using the children as pawns.  He is blaming me for the divorce and telling the kids that I have broken up the family and ruined their lives.  I have just started reading the book...Divorce Poison by Dr. Richard A. Warshak.  The situations he writes about sound just like mine.  My former husband has blamed me for so many things while we were together that my children think that this is "Normal".  Presently he is telling the children that I am not a safe parent and that my rules, expectations and way of parenting is "crazy."  They are buying into his lies and raise their angry emotions towards me.  He is also turning them against some of my friends and family members.  He causes chaos wherever he is and where the children are.  They see him as the wonderful fun parent and the poor victim of mom's decision to end the relationship unless serious professional intervention and change took place.  He started counseling but then stopped it and said he felt that I was the abuser and awful parent.
My lawyer is stumped about how to proceed with my case and both he and my counselor have said that this one of the worse cases they have worked on.  This brings me no comfort.  The kids are becoming more poisoned against me, I am being constantly harrassed about certain divorce proceedings and my legal bill is climbing higher.  The bond that I had with my children is slowly being severed by their father.  They are being emotionally abused and don't even realize it when their dad runs me down as the mother, isolates them from certain people, buys them whatever they want, shares "adult information" with them and maniuplates them .  He has expressed his neediness for them and his hatred for me.  He has even called the police this summer and accused me of hurting my daughter.  Even his own lawyer reprimanded him verbally in a 4 way meeting and told him that he is traumatizing his children by calling the police and that he should be calling the counselors for advice.  I am exhausted, drained and traumatized myself with the whole situation.  It is worse than before the separation.  I sometimes feel that I have made things worse for the kids but I couldn't continue living under the same roof.  My eldest son who is 16 and my daughter who is 8 live with me.  I rarely see my 13 year old son who lives with his dad and is getting many things bought for him.  My ex is using my middle child as a weapon and uses him to hurt me by not letting me see him and talk to him on the phone.  He has told my 13 year old many lies about me that are horrifying.  Is there anyone out there who knows of someone who can help these 3 kids???  Any lawyers or pyschologists who would be willing to take on my case Pro Bono?  I am crying out on behalf of my kids.  A bi-lateral pyschological assessment has been suggested but where I live there are no guarantees and it costs a fortune.  I am a single mom trying only by God's grace to break this cycle.  My former husband's dad was an abusive alcoholic and his mom was burnt out by the time he was born.  We don't have drinking in our home but we sure have the other destructive behaviours.  My kids have been raised in this craziness and dysfunction and are mad at me for doing this.  They feel sorry for their dad and want things back they were before.  

Meadow

[Anonymous]

Hi meadow. I’m sorry I don’t have any advice to offer. Your situation sounds truly terrible. I could only think of a couple of things to ask you to maybe make it clearer so that others can perhaps advise.

My lawyer is stumped about how to proceed with my case and both he and my counselor have said that this one of the worse cases they have worked on.

Can you tell us why your lawyer is stumped? If it’s one of the ‘worse cases’ why can’t they proceed? If they think it’s that bad, surely they have evidence to proceed in your favour? Or is it the cost of proving thru psych exams etc that’s holding it back. Maybe it might help if you also tell us what you are trying to achieve – divorce and custody of all your children? Is custody of the middle child the main problem?

Sorry I can’t help but maybe if you expand a little perhaps someone else will be able to help more.

[BeenThere]

Many people at the below link can help you.

http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/boards.htm

[Anonymous]

Check out this site:

http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pasarchive.htm

I think you will find some helpful information there!

Good luck!

bunny

[meadow]

Why is my lawyer stumped?  Because a bilateral assessment is very costly and does not guarantee what will happen to the two older boys.  They can not be forced to live at a certain parent's house.  Also,  if the youngest is poisoned towards me at an early age chances are that when she is 12 she will go and live with the parent who is doing the parent alienation.  Any kind of protection right now such as police restraining orders or restricted telephone access end up back-firing because my ex loves chaos.  Any parent plan that contains pick up times and neutral drop off places are challenged with passive aggressiveness.  He is late and then phones me to dare me to phone the police and then threatens that he will tell the children that I am traumatizing them and being a stick in the mud about not being flexible with the time, and trying to ruin their fun.  Even trying to put in place child-support payments ends up with him telling the children that I am stealing his food money and that I am trying to break him.  He loves the victim role and portraying me as the Villian.

Tonight my youngest was supposed to go for counseling at 6 pm.  Just as we were leaving her dad phoned and started telling her that she didn't need to go and why wasn't she going to play or be with friends.  Of course we were late and she was agitated about going.  When I got there the counselor asked to see me privately and informed me that my ex had phoned and told her that he was not going to pay for any counseling sessions for my youngest.  I feel like I am drowing financially.  

He is constantly telling my youngest that she can live with him soon.  She has even balked at getting ready on time in the mornings and said that if I lose my job she could live with her dad.  I later find out that these ideas were planted by her dad.   Many of the stories that I have read in the book...Divorce Poison are very familiar in my home.

[Anonymous]

Dear Meadow,

I'm so sorry your kids are in the middle of this nightmare along with you.  And that your lawyers are "stumped".  That can't help your confidence.

There is a booklet by some BPD experts called Splitting: How to Protect Yourself while divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist.  Go to www.bpdcentral.com and read more.

Hope this helps.  Good luck to you.  Seeker

[bunny]

When I got there the counselor asked to see me privately and informed me that my ex had phoned and told her that he was not going to pay for any counseling sessions for my youngest.  I feel like I am drowing financially.

Is the counseling court-ordered?
 

He is constantly telling my youngest that she can live with him soon.  She has even balked at getting ready on time in the mornings and said that if I lose my job she could live with her dad.  I later find out that these ideas were planted by her dad.

Here's my take on this. Your daughter feels very conflicted because her father gives her "loyalty tests" and probably her older sibling does as well. She's under tremendous pressure to prove loyalty to her father or else be seen as part of the enemy camp. This is terrifying to a child. But she still loves you and knows you aren't as evil as you've been painted. So she compromises by being able to tell her father/older brother that she has threatened you. (And I'm sure there's a component of selfishness there.) I think she wants to know that you can withstand her threats. That you still want her to live with you no matter what she says.

Does this make any sense?

bunny

[meadow]

Yes....I think you are right bunny.  Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with children who are being poisoned against me?...or their loyalty is being tested?  This weekend she is with her dad.  Usually when she comes home she sprays a lot of anger towards me and does not seem like herself for a long time.  I wish I knew how to deal with it.  Also, the drop offs can be very chaotic and stressful.  

I hardly see my 13 year old.  I am grieving being involved in his life.  It seems like our youngest is being played tug of war with and the middle one is the pawn and is pulled out to stab me with emotionally.  The eldest one is very socially busy with his own life which is probably good.

[Solace]

Fight fire with water.

Say to your kids:

"Your Dad loves you but he is not acting nicely.  It's not nice to turn children against parents or parents against children.  That is not correct behaviour, especially for an adult and Dad may not realize this.  I don't want to say bad things about your dad and if he says stuff to you about me that is not nice, please don't believe it and please remember how much I love you and how much I want you to live with me.  I really do love you very much.  I love this and this and this about you and I will never stop loving you and wanting to be near you, and close to you."

Make a list of all the reasons why they are better off living with you.  Mention them casually along with expressions of your love for them.  Never mind debating the junk he's spewing to them about you.  Spew love and kindness and good words to them and encourage them in every possible way, about themselves and about their good behaviour.

If they misbehave, tell them you know everything must be very confusing for them.  Encourage them to talk about their feelings and their desires.  Acknowledge their feelings and help them to feel as if they can talk with you about anything.  Comfort their worries.  Try to do something fun, as often as possible.  A game of cards?  Something active that they like?  Build good memories often with them!!

Communication is the key that will keep the door to your heart open with them.  Release your negative feelings in appropriate ways (a journal is good) and try your hardest to be patient, kind and loving while around your kids.  They will pick up on his negativity and soon, they will want to be with you more than that negative environment.  They are only children and they can't be expected to understand all this.  Encourage them to express what's bothering them and encourage and love them in return.

Best of luck.  No giving up.  You can be just as nice as he is not!  Which would you prefer, if you were a kid?

[bunny]

This weekend she is with her dad.  Usually when she comes home she sprays a lot of anger towards me and does not seem like herself for a long time.  I wish I knew how to deal with it.  Also, the drop offs can be very chaotic and stressful.

What Guest suggested sounds really good to me. The main issues as I see them are:

(1) Your daughter will attack you. She is being tested and if she fails she will be in the enemy camp. The only solution is for her not to be exposed further to the alienator. That is probably not going to happen.  

(2) Your job is to withstand the attacks (i.e., not react strongly to them or retaliate) and set limits on the attacks. This shows her that you have boundaries, that you are a safe person, that you are a reasonable/sane person. Of course she will act as though she's being tortured and that you are the devil, but only your actions will show her which home is the truly safe one. The dramatics are so she can tell her father and sibling that she is still loyal to them.

(3) Get help for yourself to withstand her attacks.

bunny

[Liv]

Please be aware that Solace is the person formally known as "somebody" and "s". She is the one married to and rallying support for her husband who is a convicted sex offender. Evil stuff if you ask me.

[bunny]

Please be aware that Solace is the person formally known as "somebody" and "s".

Thanks for the heads up!

bunny

[Max]

Would sugest that you get a book called "Splitting".  I don't have my copy here and don't remember the author.  It is published by Eggshell Press.  It is by an attorney who is also a counselor and specializes in Borderline and NPD.  He has some really great insights on how to handle them in a divorce situation and what to expect from them.  

I'm in the middle of the same situation - not as bad as yours - wish you the best

Max

[Anonymous]

Please be aware that Solace is the person formally known as "somebody" and "s".

Also be aware that Solace is CG/Portia.  

You cannot read their posts and not know they are all the same person.  Nobody else writes even close to that style, and the excessive use of emoticons.    Nobody else is so patronizing in one moment, then belligerent the next.  

I do find it amusing how each personality praises each other to the sky.  They validate each other.

[Liv]

Well, I just know for a certainty that Solace, s and somebody are the same.I just wonder what continent that person is on really. First, it's "eh" from Canada and the next it's "G'day" from Australia. Sheesh.

Sorry, not trying to co opt the thread. I'll beat it now.