Incest

[BonesMS]

Thanks (((((Bonesie)))))
I thought you would understand!!!      x o x o   Ami

(((((((((((((((Ami)))))))))))))))))

Bones

[Ami]

When I want strength I will think of you, Bones, and how much you went through and that you are still decent!  x  o xo  Ami

[BonesMS]

When I want strength I will think of you, Bones, and how much you went through and that you are still decent!  x  o xo  Ami

Thanks, (((((((((((((Ami))))))))))))))))))

Bones

[Ami]

Thank you (((Dr G)) and (((Board Friends))))
Maybe I can finally let this go!I love you.   x o x o Ami

[nolongeraslave]

I'm so proud of you Ami for having the courage to make this topic. You're not any of the lies that your NM brainwashed you to believe. 

Like others, I felt angry at how a mother could masturbate in front of her child.  You weren't the one who was sick. It was HER.

[bearwithme]

Hi Ami.

How are you?  Just checking in

BTW, not to stir your pot but I'm just curious.  You mention "repressed memory."  How does that work?  Did this come out in therapy or did you always remember it but not talk about it due to the magnitude of the pain?

I guess I'm just not the privy to how repression works and how it comes forth for you to realize the memory as the event actually happened.

You don't have to answer if you don't feel up to it. But if there is anyone else with the experience or info, maybe they can relay....

I hope you are having a good day Ami....((((hugs)))

Bear

[Ami]

((((NLAS)))  Thank you

Dear (((Bear))
 It was the totally strangest thing. I had a friend and we decided we would try to be Enlightened Witnesses to each other( Alice Milers concept of a person who lets you tell your truth)
 He had sexual  abuse "worse" than I did and so was not blown away by deep hurts and pain
 One day I was telling him how grossed out I always was by my M. He said 'Describe how you feel"
 I said ,"She is gross, gross, gross" . He said "Go with that feeling"
 All of a sudden a movie played in my mind . I saw myself as a little girl. I knew what I was thinking. I saw my M in technicolor--down to every detail of her hair, clothes , expression, the room .
 I saw every nuance of her face which was mocking me, sneering at me and trying to shock and humiliate me.
 I knew my childs thoughts were "I want to die. I want to die"
 I was terrified.
 I knew it was wrong and awful.
  I don't think i could talk or if so  not big concepts but that was what I was thinking.
  I NEVER knew that happened to me BEFORE that memory came out.
           Ami
    


PS Even when I write about it now, I still am in denial about it cuz I feel numb and removed from it

[nolongeraslave]

I read that repressed memories go in the "amygdala" or store itself in some part of the brain, until it's ready to be remembered.

[Ami]

It is the weirdest thing ,NLAS. I had NO conscious recollection of it at ALL ! It was one of the strangest things that has ever happened to me to remember it.   x o x Ami

[Nonameanymore]

Hi Ami,

I remember you mentioning this before (maybe in a private message) and I can really relate. There is something I never shared with anybody and ironically once a spiritual healer 'got it' and talked to me about it, although she 'saw' it and I didn't really confirmed it.

When I was 3, I was crying one day. (God, how do I write this?). So she lifted me up, put me on top of a table and put her head between my legs (sorry that's all I can write). I remember having stopped the crying and as she was asking me if it felt good, I remember feeling soothed (how sick is this) and answering 'yes, it feels better'.

This is the first time I am writing this, not just here and publicly, but the first ever time I am voicing it as it happened (and admitting it to myself)

Sorry for the shock everyone.

P.

[Ami]

Sweet One
 I am so glad you said this. It will free you!I am here by PM or even phone if you need me. Sweetheart, I understand HOW dirty and horrible you feel. I did not take a bath for 3 weeks when I found out .
 You feel all these awful things,Sweetie cuz a sick person did evil on you. You did nothing wrong. Those are just words now but they need to be said cuz they do go in to your heart.
 P, I may have had something worse happen to me --like you are saying. I have a shadowl outline of something similar but I can't see beyond the shadow. I love  you ((((P)))). We are sisters in a horrible drama but I stand with you!   x o x o  Ami



PS You have blessed me by allowing me to see that my pain and life can help someone. You don't KNOW what that means to me!It is the purpose of my life now, after Scott's death--to make something beautiful out of the ashes.

[Nonameanymore]

Love you too Ami- I am numb from having written this so will comment later...
P xxx

[Ami]

Yes it is SOOOO hard to write and to tell. You know P, I am telling more people in my life and no one drops dead or hates me but that will take time to go to that next step and NOW just breathe in and breathe out, have some tea and try to connect with God or a warm friend.   x o x o  Ami

[Ami]

Dear P
 This is for later but I am getting back that sense of self--little by little and slowly. Part of it is telling what happened--just as you are.
                                                                               x o x Ami

[Nonameanymore]

You know, I don't feel guilty about it but my sensation is that something really sick happened to me.
I don't feel (or think) that I caused it, BUT I feel horrible having had that thing happen to me...
Hope this makes sense

I was talking to the woman who is liaising with the publisher for my memoir and I can't help thinking how shocked she is as she reads every chapter...this detail isn't of course in the book but still I was glad I had the chance to write it here....

Thanks Ami
P