Good morning everybody,
I think religion is how we mortals muck up God's intent. Religion and churchgoing are important, I feel, in order to feel support and a sense of community. I used to worry about the hypocrites, but darn it, God loves them too. But I can’t stand it when people use God as a weapon.
Honor what is honorable. If the only thing you can honor is the fact that they brought you into the world, honor that. That is, after all, a life-giving action. My belief is that healthy people honor and support life. Saying a few kind words to a stranger can be life-giving. What is it about the church that sends off the message that people are sinners but they are perfect in the Parent Dept.???? Huh?
There are different passages/stories in the Bible that tell parents to ease up. Sorry I don't know my scripture backwards and forwards, but there is one about fathers do not criticize your children so that they will not be discouraged.
As for the pastor-pressure, OnlyMe, you can tell him that he experiences your mother in a different way that must be positive for him, his community and for her, but that your experience with her has been anything but that. Why should you continue to let your Nmom torture you? It may be more lifegiving for both of you to stop the abuse by avoiding her. Tell him that.
Relationships are 100/100, so what has her contribution been to your relationship? Also, the song that this siren is singing says "oh pastor, you are so wise, perhaps YOU can reach her" that is, you are so wonderful you can fix this. Rescue me.

Forgiveness doesn't mean condoning her treatment of you. It means accepting the fact of it, feeling and then letting go of the anger.
Ask him what he would tell a rape victim. Would he expect the victim to trust the rapist? Forgiveness for the victim would be to heal from the incredible harm, and move forward. Perhaps to help other victims. Tell him to look up narcissism on the internet to educate himself, and to stop perpetuating a bad and harmful situation for you, another child of God.
OK, having said all that (what a sermon!

) I am reminded of a New Yorker cartoon: there’s a drawing of a small house with a porch with a picket fence. On the gate is a sign: Beware of Dog. On the porch there’s the dog, smiling and holding a sign “Jesus loves you.”

Seeker