I don't know what I'm dealing with.

[Worn]

My partner of nine months is flipping out right now.  I'm sitting here trying to have a panic attack.  Luckily we're not in the same house.  
I'm so frustrated right now!  I don't know how to write this down, but I think I need to.  
I've been trying to stand up for myself lately and set healthy boundaries.  I feel like my partner has consistently had a problem with me not spending time with them when they are available for me to spend time with them.  This has turned into them wanting me to be with them what I feel like is an extreme amount of time.  We don't live together but spend at least 6 days out of 7 with each other.   I'm an introvert and need alone time to recharge.  This has been wearing me out.
I've explained to them my needs and that I'm going to start taking more time for myself.  When I assert my need for space they act like I've commited a mortal sin.  The silent treatment, starting arguments when it's time for me to leave, dropping the suicide word (I asked, they say they're not), threatening to break up with me if I won't come spend time with them now, or that they're going to drop out of school because I'm driving them crazy.  
I haven't given in.  They just keep escalating.  I really don't want to spend any time at all with them right now.  They have said some very hurtful things that have damaged our relationship.  Frankly I just want it to stop.  
Right now my phone is on silent in a drawer.  I'm trying not to be drawn into this.  We've had the same argument with the same results repeatedly for the past week.  I don't have anything else to say and they aren't telling me anything new.  It's just more threats every time I answer the phone.  I can't deal with this at this moment so I'm going to ignore it.  Or try to anyway.  I just feel like complete shit right now.  I've got a research paper to finish by morning.  
Also, when something is said that hurts or offends me and I point it out they say, I was just kidding, or you misunderstood what I said.  No apology, because they won't take responsibility for what was said.  At times I feel that it was definitely a comment meant to offend.  Maybe not all, but some. 
While having these fights they will be very emotional and angry until I show some kind of emotion and then they immediately calm down.  Like they just wanted to make me upset?
I don't know, but I know I'm tired of this bs, worn.

[Logy]

Worn,

I'm so sorry for your situation.  You sound like all you need is some respect for you as an individual.  Is this person smothering your soul?  That's what it sounds like to me. 

I had a relationship once where I felt the same.  I am also an introvert and need time alone to recharge.  But when I expressed this need to the other person, they "granted" me 2 hours to be alone and then charged back into my life.

This sounds like an unhealthy relationship for you.  This person is hurtful to you, manipulates you with silent treatment, arguments when you state your needs, threatening you, no responsibility for their actions.

My therapist told me that in my situation I needed to cut all ties immediately.  Do not react, do not contact, do not react to contact from them.  Cut them out immediately.  I did and it worked out.  Hard but necessary.

Your situation may be different from mine so just take this as another's experience.  Make your own choice.  But if you feel this bad you probably know that something needs to change.

Stay strong for yourself.
Logy

[Hopalong]

Worn...

ditto everything Logy said. Big dittos.

Introverts do have a fight on their hands for space to breathe, but if someone doesn't have the maturity to learn that this is simply your nature...and that actually loving, is yielding you the space you need to keep your balance and feel welcome in your self...

That person isn't able to love, just to cling and clutch and smother.

I'm sorry you have to go through the pangs of ending but I think you will feel much better afterward.

Tired but relieved.

You will be all right without this partner. And in time, you'll find one who's able to nurture you with space that's in balance with intimacy.

This isn't love. It's fusion, and you know...unhealthy.

Good for you for fighting toward being free.

Hops

[Ami]

((((((Worn))))))
 Relationships are really hard when we have had such a confusing FOO(Family of Origin).I understand,Friend!  x o x o   Ami

[BonesMS]

Ohhhh boy!

I can empathize with you as I am also an Introvert that needs time, ALONE, to recharge batteries!

What they are attempting to pull is typical Narcissistic Bullsh*t, treating you like an object instead of respecting your boundaries!  NOT FUN!  I've experienced similar interference and invasions while trying to work on school projects and was able to hold my ground.  If we Introverts don't take care of ourselves, who will?  These Narcissistic Invaders don't care because they REFUSE to see us as HUMAN BEINGS!  I finally realized, after the last attempted invasion when I was down with the flu and bronchitis, that with "friends" like these, who needs enemies?

Bones
==============================================================================

My partner of nine months is flipping out right now.  I'm sitting here trying to have a panic attack.  Luckily we're not in the same house.  
I'm so frustrated right now!  I don't know how to write this down, but I think I need to.  
I've been trying to stand up for myself lately and set healthy boundaries.  I feel like my partner has consistently had a problem with me not spending time with them when they are available for me to spend time with them.  This has turned into them wanting me to be with them what I feel like is an extreme amount of time.  We don't live together but spend at least 6 days out of 7 with each other.   I'm an introvert and need alone time to recharge.  This has been wearing me out.
I've explained to them my needs and that I'm going to start taking more time for myself.  When I assert my need for space they act like I've commited a mortal sin.  The silent treatment, starting arguments when it's time for me to leave, dropping the suicide word (I asked, they say they're not), threatening to break up with me if I won't come spend time with them now, or that they're going to drop out of school because I'm driving them crazy.  
I haven't given in.  They just keep escalating.  I really don't want to spend any time at all with them right now.  They have said some very hurtful things that have damaged our relationship.  Frankly I just want it to stop.  
Right now my phone is on silent in a drawer.  I'm trying not to be drawn into this.  We've had the same argument with the same results repeatedly for the past week.  I don't have anything else to say and they aren't telling me anything new.  It's just more threats every time I answer the phone.  I can't deal with this at this moment so I'm going to ignore it.  Or try to anyway.  I just feel like complete shit right now.  I've got a research paper to finish by morning.  
Also, when something is said that hurts or offends me and I point it out they say, I was just kidding, or you misunderstood what I said.  No apology, because they won't take responsibility for what was said.  At times I feel that it was definitely a comment meant to offend.  Maybe not all, but some. 
While having these fights they will be very emotional and angry until I show some kind of emotion and then they immediately calm down.  Like they just wanted to make me upset?
I don't know, but I know I'm tired of this bs, worn.

[Worn]

Thank you everyone for your replies.  Food for thought.

I feel like I'm being, I don't even like using this word, abused?  I think I'm having trouble trusting my own instincts.  This is so confusing because I thought we had a good relationship.  I think I was wrong.  Like Ami said, FOO issues are making me doubt my perceptions.  I'm scared to end this relationship, but I don't see it going forward and it has taken some mighty steps back in the last week.  If these boundaries were stepped on so badly, what other boundaries will be ignored?  I told them that I feel like there is no room for me in this relationship, there is room for them and for us, but not for me.  I need room for me. 

I just don't know what else to say to them.  I'm afraid if I say everything I want to say it will be ignored or downplayed.  I'm not sure how much more damage I can or want to take to my self.  I feel like I need to tell them that this is totally unacceptable behavior for me.  Wait, I think I have told them that, it was just ignored.

I think I have this need to tell them why what they are doing is hurting me, but I think I just need to tell them that it is hurting me.  Otherwise I feel like I'll give them more ammunition to hurt me with.  I am losing major trust in this person, not a good sign for a relationship.

Still dazed and confused, worn

[cantors.counter]

(((((Worn)))))

Logy pretty much said it all for me.

I do agree if you try to tell this person <b>why</b> it very well might give them more ammunition. To me, this person sounds very unsafe.

[BonesMS]

Thank you everyone for your replies.  Food for thought.

I feel like I'm being, I don't even like using this word, abused?  I think I'm having trouble trusting my own instincts.  This is so confusing because I thought we had a good relationship.  I think I was wrong.  Like Ami said, FOO issues are making me doubt my perceptions.  I'm scared to end this relationship, but I don't see it going forward and it has taken some mighty steps back in the last week.  If these boundaries were stepped on so badly, what other boundaries will be ignored?  I told them that I feel like there is no room for me in this relationship, there is room for them and for us, but not for me.  I need room for me. 

I just don't know what else to say to them.  I'm afraid if I say everything I want to say it will be ignored or downplayed.  I'm not sure how much more damage I can or want to take to my self.  I feel like I need to tell them that this is totally unacceptable behavior for me.  Wait, I think I have told them that, it was just ignored.

I think I have this need to tell them why what they are doing is hurting me, but I think I just need to tell them that it is hurting me.  Otherwise I feel like I'll give them more ammunition to hurt me with.  I am losing major trust in this person, not a good sign for a relationship.

Still dazed and confused, worn

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Worn)))))))))))))))))))))))

I understand what you mean.

I had to do that with a (now-former) friend that I had known for 40 years.  At the end, she simply IGNORED boundaries and kept trying to FORCE me to do what she wanted, the INSTANT she wanted it, no matter how MANY times she was told "N-O" and told that this kind of behavior is INAPPROPRIATE!!!!  When she persisted on treating me as if I was NOTHING more than an OBJECT to be USED FOR HER ROYAL CONVENIENCE, that's when I CUT HER OFF COMPLETELY!  I had to decide, which was the lesser of two evils...being alone or being USED AND ABUSED by a Narcissist who REFUSES to SEE ME AS A HUMAN BEING AND INSISTS ON VIOLATING MY BOUNDARIES.

Bones

[Nonameanymore]

Dear Worn,

If I want to be honest, I have to admit that I am doing to someone what your partner is doing to you - well sort of, as he goes back and forth and when he is on the 'back', he gives me the silent treatment.
I think I have been going to extremes because I want a clear explanation. In my eyes (and I think this is the truth) he has been pushing my buttons to see how far I would go to be with him and I find this pretty nasty. I would say just decide what you want to do and make it clear. If it's the end on your side, just be really clear about it.

In my experience - except if you're dealing with a psychopath - people may get hurt and retaliate for a while, but if you keep saying 'no' and cut all ties, eventually they will get the message.
But I am reading in your post, especially when you say 'we had such a good relationship' that you think there is something still there - unless of course the time was only short when the relationship was blossoming and this is just wishful thinking...I am in the midst of a very weird situation myself and this is why I am trying to give you all my (personal) angles.
I would say the best way to go is to decide what you want, then take some confident action.

P

[Sealynx]

Worn,
I think Relationships are so easy to abuse because most of us have this idea that Love equals doing certain things for someone. Those things are equated with making someone happy. This brings up the subject of which things I need to already be doing for my own happiness and which things you need to do for you at a base level. There is a boundary line between your responsibility to yourself and a partner's responsibility to you. If a partner is not maintaining good self care, then the other person can become nothing more than a kind of "happiness device" that they manipulate to avoid facing their own inadequacies.

This person is making you responsible for just about everything that they should be willing to own. From their moods, boredom and anxiety to their ability to concentrate on school work, it is all somehow your problem. But can you give them the happiness they seek? Will there ever be enough hours in the day?

When someone refuses to take responsibility for meeting such basic needs, there is NOTHING anyone can do for them. I agree with what everyone else had said. RUN. The fact that this person has escalated the pressure to include your being responsible for their dropping out of school and/or ending their lives makes it all the more urgent that you go NC. Enlist the aide of the school's counseling department if needed, especially if this person starts talking about suicide again or uses any other threats against you. Schools have become hyper sensitive to students with emotional issues due to the shootings that have taken place. If this person is truly that emotional, they need help, but not from you.

[Hopalong]

Hi Worn,
I think there's a trap many of us codependent survivors-of-Ns fall into...if we need to end a relationship we want to do that PERFECTLY.

I read a bunch of relationship and dating advice books at one time in my life and was quite amazed to find out that what's healthy, when you need to end something (and you do, even if you feel scared), is to say something like:

"I'm realizing that this relationship isn't really working for me. So I wish you well, but it's not working for me. And for me, not being in contact is the best way to move forward."

PERIOD. Not: here's what I hoped for, here's how I'm hurt, here's what's wrong (no point in doing that with someone who's not mature or well enough to meet you like a healthy adult to "work on it"), here's what this means to me, here's why I feel this way........

Nope. Just, "I've realized this isn't working for me, and I wish you well. So I'm saying goodbye now." Click. Hang up. Send.

There may be wails, threats, and pleas to "Change back!" but actually, you're not doing them any favors by rushing back to comfort them, and help them avoid their own discomfort.

You need to endure your own discomfort too. Healthy assertiveness (which is what ending an unhealthy relationship is) feels very uncomfortable and unnatural at first.

But it's AWESOMELY adult and will do wonders for your self-esteem.

If you need some bucking up before you do it, read up on Boundaries in Relationships. You can search the What Helps? forum here...they're there.

Let us know how it goes,

Hops

[CB123]

Worn,

I agree with so many here that see your sweetheart's reaction as being too dramatic.  Quitting school? Committing suicide?  Just because you are asking for some time to yourself?  That's way over the top.

But look closely at the interchanges you two have had, though, and see if anything else is going on.  How did you two get into the position where you saw so much of each other?  Was it something that you both wanted, but now you are pulling back from that?  Or has this person slowly pulled you into a smothering relationship that you felt powerless to resist? 

A lot of couples dont realize (I sure didnt) that creating space between them can be one person signalling that they are getting ready to exit the relationshp altogether OR it can be part of the normal inhale/exhale that happens after a certain amount of time.  I know that, when we began doing that, I assumed that it was an exit strategy.  I had all the panic that your friend might have right now (but I kept it to myself).  I had to learn how to inhale/exhale with my partner.  These moments are make or break experiences and your relationship may not survive it.  But even if things are very bad right now, you may grow from it (either together or apart).

There is an experience that I have read about called "flooding".  It is a phenomenon in emotions that is exactly the way it sounds: the person who is being flooded (with emotions) is battling a torrent of emotion.  When the dam breaks there is no point in trying to teach someone how to swim.  They have lost the ability to reason, temporarily, and all they are doing is trying to keep from drowning.  That's what happens with flooding: the emotions switch to something almost primal and there is no reasoning with them--it usually goes back to early wounds that are unexamined at this point.

Your friend will take you down with him if you let him. He cant do otherwise when he is so overwhelmed with his feelings.  If he cant reach for an APPROPRIATE life raft (not you) you are going to have to cut him loose to save yourself.  But (assuming he is not pathological), all the good things that you saw in him are still there.  You dont have to be disillusioned, or question your own ability to judge someone's character.  Someone who is drowning is not a criminal...they may be a very nice person, who just get hit with more than they can handle.

This person has GOT to use this fear of abandonment to grow emotionally.  It is just this kind of thing that will push someone who is willing to grow.  But if he doesnt, and he may decide that he wants to live with his own perception of reality, then you will have to keep from going down with him.  Keep reinforcing your boundaries--if you two get back on firm footing, you may want to structure your relationship so you have planned space.  I read somewhere recently that we feel more intensely about a romantic partner if we have space, because we only think about someone when we are NOT with them.  The physical space between you may actually help the relationship.

I know you tried carefully to not use personal pronouns in your post, but I couldnt figure out how to do it as skillfully...sorry, if I chose "him" when it's really a "her"!

Much luck to you
CB

[Logy]

Worn,
I've been thinking about you today.  Hoping you are doing okay.  I saw so much of my situation in yours so I understand your pain.  I had actually been together with my partner for 9 months too when things started to go bad.  And my partner started manipulating me if I didnt accommodate his need to be with me constantly.  Telling me that he was throwing up all night because he ended up having a business meeting he couldn't get out of which caused him to miss a planned dinner with me.  (I was ok with it, things come up, told him so.)  He would call me, almost despondent, because we were not together.  It just made me feel so bad, not bad for him, but just sick to my soul because his reaction felt so wrong.

We also had a good time together for the first 7-8 months.  In hindsight I interpret that as his way to weave himself into my life by acting "normal".  Make me trust him.

Then the real him came out.  He became "sick" if I wasn't available to him at all times.  When I wanted time to spend with my daughter instead of him, he wanted to come "take her away with him".  I was afraid to let her out of my sight.  When I refused to return his calls,he sent me package after package of expensive gifts.  I sent them all back.  I even saw his parents drive by my house one day.  He sent me rambling 14 page letters.

So my point is that I would have had the life sucked out of me if I had stayed, if I had felt sorry for him and tried to help him.  We cannot help someone who is in that much pain.  It has nothing to do with us.

Please focus on you.  YOU is important!  If someone is making you feel bad, you have the right to do what is best for you.  (FYI, my next relationship was amazing!)

Love,
Logy

[Worn]

Thank you so much everyone.  Just wanted to let you know I'm doing ok.  We're working on things.  I don't know if this is going to work out but I'm ok if it doesn't.  I'm sticking to my boundaries and have stated, very specifically, what they are.  Have a T session today so I get to bitch for an hour, yay!   I'm just kind of waiting to see how things work out.  I don't really expect much, but who knows.  If it doesn't, NC is going to be hard because we take classes together.  After this semester that's over tho. 
Feeling better, but still wary, worn

[river]

One more thing,... check out borderline personality as well, if you'd like to know more.  Sounds like you're handling this ok already. 

Im not wanting to label and condemn, its just I've found the info about character structures very clarifying for all types of difficulty., doesnt have to be an actual actual disorder, more a type of human dysfunctionalness.