Author Topic: My boyfriend is a flirt  (Read 10968 times)

Lupita

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Re: My boyfriend is a flirt
« Reply #15 on: March 16, 2010, 05:58:02 AM »
no need to worry anymore.

He broke up with me last night.
He got mad because I was sad because he was dancing close chick to chick in tango class with another woman that I already had asked him not to do ti. He promised he was not going to do it again.

He did.

I was sad and did not want to dance anymore.
I sat down. Tow people asked me what happened and I said I was tired.
When he took me home, he asked me for the key to his house. He told me to gorw up and then he told me that he was very happy before and enjoyed dancing with many women and he did not have any reason to have an agony with me. He is right. I was agonizing watching him dance with other women. I will not call him. If he contacts me I might not resist to hug him and tell him how much a love him. But I will not call him because deep in my heart I know that I am taking away the fun from him. He likes tyo flirt and touich other women even if he does not do anything else but dance close and touch, I sitll feel very bad when he does. So, maybe he did the right thing. Something I would have never done. Still, it feels very bad. I feel very sad. Alone again. It feels so lonely here.

Ami

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Re: My boyfriend is a flirt
« Reply #16 on: March 16, 2010, 07:58:46 AM »
Lupita
 I am thinking that it MIGHT be all in your head. I am NOT saying it is but perhaps it is the damage from your NM . Perhaps, you could talk to him about your childhood fears and pains at the hands of that horrible creature.
 Perhaps,you and he could bond even deeper .
 *I* would do that if it were me.                                     Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

lighter

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Re: My boyfriend is a flirt
« Reply #17 on: March 16, 2010, 01:53:12 PM »
Oh, gee I'm sorry Lupita.

This too, shall pass.

Mo2

Lupita

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Re: My boyfriend is a flirt
« Reply #18 on: March 16, 2010, 04:03:27 PM »
thank you. the loneliness is pushing on my throat. It is just this sensation that noboy wants me. He could not give up the chick to chick dance and I could not tolerate it. No possible solution.
oh wow. Alone again.
Always alone.
Rejected at birth, rejected forever. The damage is irreparable and the consequences do not let you live a normal life.
I am so sad.

Lupita

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Re: My boyfriend is a flirt
« Reply #19 on: March 16, 2010, 04:06:37 PM »
One thing I know. I do not want anybody from the tango community. Because I know now that it will be the same pain. I cannot resist my man being touch and hugged and put chick to chick with another woman. I know that now. So, I cannot have a partner from the tango community. I cannot go to tango and put up with the pain of seeing him with other women.
So, I am screwed. It is so sad. I cannot have fun.
It is so lonely here. It is so sad here.

Ami

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Re: My boyfriend is a flirt
« Reply #20 on: March 16, 2010, 07:22:06 PM »
 *I* would sit down and tell him how you felt as a child and how scary it is when you don't feel loved and special.                                                                                    Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Lupita

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Re: My boyfriend is a flirt
« Reply #21 on: March 17, 2010, 05:39:15 AM »
I already did that. he does not understand. He is very ignorant.

Last night he sent me a text message that said, I am in a meeting. I answered him saying what meeting, he answered with my next danced partner since you do not want to dance with me anymore. I wrote back again saying that I never said that. I said that I loved him. He never wrote me back. I called him and he put my call to his answering automated service.

I was a lone at my house, I was crying, I was not bothering him, why would he send me a message to tell me that he was with another dancer? why? HE did not need to send me that. Why did he do that?

Is he playing with my mind? Is he hurting too? did he send it just to hurt me?

Ami

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Re: My boyfriend is a flirt
« Reply #22 on: March 17, 2010, 06:55:59 AM »
Ok

I would have said   "I get very afraid when I feel love is taken away i.e. I see you dancing with other woman. It makes me feel like I could die cuz my M was so scary.
 I go in to a crazy funk and feel like *I* am gonna die when that happens.
 It is MY problem--not yours.
 Would YOU be willing to work with me on MY issues such as this? When I get afraid can I tell you?
 You can dance with woman but can you respect my feelings and can we talk them out?


If you said this or something like it and the guy is clueless------then you have to say good bye. I agree.                             Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

CB123

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Re: My boyfriend is a flirt
« Reply #23 on: March 17, 2010, 08:37:08 AM »
Hi Lupe

I am so sorry that you are going through this.  This kind of pain cuts to the very heart of who you are.  I have some ideas for you, but I dont think they will make the pain go away--but they may give it more meaning in your life. 

I hope that you will not stay long in your feelings of being abandoned and alone.  Some of these feelings can have different meaning depending on how you interpret them.  You have not been abandoned--you were clear with this man about your limits and he could not live with those limits.  You each understood that for him to dance with other women in this way was a deal breaker.  You set the limit, and he could not go a long with it. The limits that you set were true to your values and you can be at peace with that.

Another way to look at the aloneness:  with your last boyfriend, he drove you absolutely nuts because he wouldnt leave you alone.  In those days, you would have LOVED some alone time.  So, alone is sometimes good...sometimes it is something that you choose...sometimes it feels very empowering.  Right now, alone feels really, really bad.  I thnk you can find a little insight if you look at why?

You set up a choice for your boyfriend where he had to choose between you and dancing cheek-to-cheek with other women.  When you set up that choice, he chose dancing with other women.  In a sense, he also set up a choice: allow me to dance with other women, or choose to live without me.  You each made your choice, and both choices hurt.  His hurts, yours hurts.  But you made the only choice you could live with at this point. 

You said in one of your posts that men have to be trained to behave a certain way.  I dont think it really works that way, and I think that the struggle you had with him is the reason why.  Training someone (anyone--man or woman) means that they didnt CHOOSE  a behavior.  When someone chooses for themselves, and not just because they dont want your reaction, then that choice will carry over when you arent present, or when you two are having a bad day.  Letting someone choose is always better than training them. 

You are probably responding to him, as Ami says, out of your pain from the past.  And you can ask him to stop dancing with women based on the fact that your sense of value is damaged when he does.  But you should also realize that he may be doing what he does out of his OWN damaged sense of value.  He may think he needs this attention from other women in order to feel good about himself.  (BTW, this is probably at least some of the reason why people take dance classes---very few are in it for technical reasons...and the major dance studios usually play to that reason when they make their sales pitch!)  Can you extend that same understanding to him?  Can you say, I will continue to live with this misplaced need for attention, because I know it comes out of your woundedness?

At any rate, if your relationship were to continue, you would be in a constant tug of war over whose need for value got fulfilled: he doesnt dance, and you feel valued but he doesnt.  He does dance, he feels valued, you dont.  One of you has to break the pattern and decide to get your value somewhere else.  In a sense, you each decided that you could not do that. 

Something I noticed as you wrote about your unhappiness, was that the other women in the dance group figured into the scenario quite a bit.  As a matter of fact, I wonder if they werent the REAL cause of your pain.  It was as though he were the prize and you and the other women were fighting for him.  I dont know if the fight was real or imagined--but it was very painful for you.  You have been as angry with them for approaching him as you were to him for accepting.  I think there are some mother-wounds there, and I hope you will sit with those feelings for a bit and see what comes up.  Maybe you can also examine what it would take to feel that you had already won the prize. 

Why in the world did he text you last night???  He could be a real ass--although, in my experience, real asses dont bother, they just go along their merry way doing whatever they wanted to do in the first place. It could be that he genuinely did not want to make the choice that he did, and is reacting out of pain. 

I could give you all kinds of advice about how you could have, should have done things...or even what to do now.  But anything I said would be just that--my response--and I think you should sit with your story a bit and see how you want it to end.  Its your story and you can write the ending.  You may not be able to get him to quit dancing with other women, you may not be able to get him to stay.  But you can write it as lonely, or making an important choice in your life that left you without a boyfriend.  You can choose to never tango again, or you can explore what this has uncovered about your wounds that needs to be healed. 

I hope you dance.

Much, much love, Lupita,
CB
When they are older and telling their own children about their grandmother, they will be able to say that she stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way -- and it surely has not -- she adjusted her sails.  Elizabeth Edwards 2010

Ami

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Re: My boyfriend is a flirt
« Reply #24 on: March 18, 2010, 06:07:55 AM »
CB made great points !
Are you this centered in your day to day life ?
I wish I were lol.






No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

lighter

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Re: My boyfriend is a flirt
« Reply #25 on: March 19, 2010, 12:25:15 PM »
Oh my, Lupe.

His texting you, out of the blue, about meeting with other dancers is hurtful, IMO.

Why do you think he told you that?

Be sad.

Cry, but keep busy with your normal activities and find new people to share your life with.

It'll get better.

It always does.

Don't you know that by now ((((Lupita?)))


Lupita

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Re: My boyfriend is a flirt
« Reply #26 on: March 19, 2010, 02:22:56 PM »
It is not exactly the dancing, it is how close he dances. It is the closeness. I am willing to tolerate him dancing with other women. Not close.
He says that he has to dance close.

He emailed me on Wednesday, he asked me if I wanted to be his dance partner. I answered, him, "no, I want to be your love number 1 and dance partner number 2 in that order"

I asked him if I was paying for counceling if he would go, he said no, He said he is going to put the effort. He started joking and saying that he was going to build a bird cage for his face, then he said if he put a towel between him and the dancer if I would be satisfied.

I think on the sweat, your sweats go together when you dance and put your cheeks together and the warmness of the body, and the pressure on your breast fomr his chest and the air of his breathingf on your neck, that is too much for me to put up.

Tango is a dance that can be dance in a nice frame of in close embrace. That is a choice. many men choose close for opbvious reasons.
I believe that women want to dfanc eiwht him because of what he makes them feel and not for his dancing abilities. I went out with him on Wednesday, he dedicated the night to me and did not dance with others.

I

Hopalong

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Re: My boyfriend is a flirt
« Reply #27 on: March 19, 2010, 02:25:58 PM »
Owwww/ I'm so sorry Lup.

I don't know if I could handle a tango man either.

It's hard to get the love you want and be safe within yourself.

But with every reaching out you've done, you've grown so much and learned SO much.
It's really important to respect yourself for that, you know?

Don't punish yourself for how this turned out, hon.
It's not a "bad" ending. It's just an ending.

Life offers just as many beginnings. You will have more beginnnings!

Probably, what you really want most, lonely lovely lady, is a middle.

(I want a happy settled MIDDLE. But I guess we have to allow a lot of beginnings to get there...and then one day, we find somebody we can build a middle with.)

Big hugs, tissues, goofy movies, love to you, this pain will pass...
you know it will. Time just does that, heals us, when we let it. Trust time.

love,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Lupita

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Re: My boyfriend is a flirt
« Reply #28 on: March 19, 2010, 02:41:23 PM »
Thank you Mo2 and Ami.
CB, your answer mesmerises me, you are brilliant. I am reading and re-reading your post.


He gave me back the key to his house. He told me that he did not have any partner dinner, just wanted to grab my attention and also make me suffer, he said he was suffering too and that if this was permanent he was going to miss me very much.

He was abused just like me, alcoholic father and narcissistic mother, he laughs at my jokes, we laugh together until our muscles hurt, we wrestle in bed, and I mean wrestle, I used to wrestle with my son and it was very energetic practice, he goes to all my music presentations, I told him that we had something very special and he did not need another cheek, he had my cheek, my soul and me all.

He sounded like he was going to try.

The problem is that the teacher we have now in tango is very jealous of me and she always try to take him apart from me. When I am almost about to dance with him in the line of dance she calls me to dance with her, when she says switch partners she always switches me very fast when I am with him. This Wednesday that we were dancing for the first dance after our huge fight, she came to us out our hands apart and asked me to dance with her. I was waiting for the moment that M was going to take advantage do that and go for other women but he did not.

I am tempted to ask her to not to do that. To leave me alone with I am with him. But I am afraid that M will get mad at me if I do. `

He promised me that we are going to take only two more classes with this women. But all the fights we have are after her class every Monday.

The close embrace is optional and she is forcing it into our class. Other teachers have a special class for close embrace and you pay for that if you are interested. She is forcing it into the regular classes. I fell uncomfortable that there is a young lady only 18yo still in high school that is being exposed to this and is being hugged by this decrepit old men, including mine.

So, he promised me just two more classes. But if he did not have the opportunity he might not do it. This teacher is providing it.

I am disappointed that he does not care about my feelings at all. I will try again to see if when we change teachers our situation will improve, but now I am more skeptic and less loving. He is wearing me out by attrition.

But I want to be so much so much hurt, that when we break up finally I will not have any regrets. Although I am speaking as if I knew. But I would like to trust that he is a good man and he has the potential to do the right thing.

Tuesday will be the day I will know because all the problems we have are on Monday that we have class with this horrible instructor woman. I am sad that he allows her to damage me.

Lupita

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Re: My boyfriend is a flirt
« Reply #29 on: March 19, 2010, 02:56:03 PM »
Thank Hops.

I am physically back with him but my mind is not, sure my heart is not back with him. I am very scared that he is going to hurt me again. I will see tomorrow Saturday how he behaves in the dance, we have the most important dance of the month tomorrow Saturday.

Also, today, I will see if he has the urge to dance with other women or he gives me all his attention and if he feels happy to be only with me. Because if it is a huige sacrifice to be with me, then i do not want hjim to be with me. It is not worth it.

Sundays al always nice, It is Monday our bad day. So, I will see how he behaves this Monday and whatever happens, happenes. I have to be prepared. I have to be psychologically prepared. I was not prepared for last Monday. I will be prepared for next Monday.

Help me out here dear friends.

Love you all.