My boyfriend is a flirt

[Lupita]

He dovoted 100 % to me our last dancing out wich was Saturday 6. He was kind of bored. I do not want to take all the fun away from him. Plus he needs the validation other women give him.

So, I am doing this thread to see if I can brain storm some behaviors to help others and my self in the same situation.

I am not ready to finish with him. I feel attachments. I know if I finish now I will regret. I have to be totally secure that I have exhausted all my resources before I precede in a denitive way.

So, here is an article. He put his chick on a woman last Monday. Today we are going to that class. I made it very clear that I was mad. He said he is going to behave. I will see how he behaves today.

I will let you know tonight how he did. Wish me luck.
How to handle a flirtatious boyfriend
You know he's your guy. Or at least, you were pretty sure, until you began noticing some distressing little behaviors. The problem? He's a flirt. He tells you you're the one--then he proceeds to flash his cute smile at every girl he sees. Why does he do this? Should you accept it as some defective male gene, or should you dump him and move on to someone who only has eyes for you? Only you can decide, but read on for some pointers. Tips for handling a flirtatious boyfriend:
·  Realize that his ego is at stake, and he's dealing with the same insecurities as you and your friends. It's normal for a guy to want to feel loved and adored by everyone. His way of getting the attention he craves is to flirt.
·  Try to satisfy some of your boyfriend's need to feel special by telling him how great you think he is, and by showing him how important he is to you. Some over-the-top compliments never hurt, either: "Hey, you're the funniest/cutest/smartest/hairiest legged guy in school," could do wonders for a guy's self-esteem, and might curb his need to get attention from other sources.
·  Tell him how you feel about his flirting. Let him know that you don't like it when he flirts with other girls. If he really cares about you, he'll probably try to be sensitive to your feelings. He might not even realize he's doing it!
·  Don't flirt with other guys to get revenge! Remember, your boyfriend is flirting because he's insecure. If you start flirting it'll just make him feel worse, and probably push the two of you apart even more. (Besides, you're the mature one, right?)
·  If he still can't restrain himself, and his flirtatious behavior continues to bother you, don't hesitate to bail on the guy! If he's so insecure that he compulsively flirts at your expense, you don't need him!
·  Top tip: DON'T TAKE HIS FLIRTING PERSONALLY! It usually has nothing to do with a girl not being pretty, charming or witty enough, but is instead 100% the guy's personal problem. In other words, he'd do it to anyone he's dating! (The same goes for flirtatious girls). It just means he has some major growing up to

So, here is the article.

[Ami]

I would have no idea what to do  Lupita. I wish there were some more guys on this Board . We ran them all off LOL        Ami

[Sealynx]

Top tip: DON'T TAKE HIS FLIRTING PERSONALLY! It usually has nothing to do with a girl not being pretty, charming or witty enough, but is instead 100% the guy's personal problem. In other words, he'd do it to anyone he's dating! (The same goes for flirtatious girls). It just means he has some major growing up to do....

 How can you NOT take it personally! You are a person and you are the person he is supposed to be with. I do agree that it doesn't say anything about how pretty, charming or witty you are....But is that really what you want to tell the woman he is flirting with..."By the way, I am witty, charming and pretty?" I would think what you would want and need is respect.

At that moment "SHE" had the full attention of your date which says that "HE" placed so little value on how you FELT that he would flirt with a new woman right in front of you!!!!

If someone did that to me, I would probably go on the offensive and quickly define the situation, making a quick comment indicating that my date and I were just friends. He is acting like a friend and not a date so things just changed. I accept it. I'm now just as free as he is to flirt...Why am I wasting time standing here!! It's time to mingle.

I would tell him I was going to get a drink and....leave him with the new Ms. Right.  I would leave no doubt in his mind about how I felt but do it in such a way as to not insult the woman who is essentially his next victim!!

There are times when I go out with a male friend and we both understand we are not a couple. That is very different from what you are describing. I say don't put up with it.

[Redhead Erin]

Actually, I wouldn't sweat it.

I have been off this board for a while, but those who remember me know I am an exotic dancer for a living and also a flirt just for the hell of it.  My husband of 7 1/2 years does NOT take it personally. He knows I am his and that when I flirt with someone, it's just a game.  Usually the other person knows it, too.

We flirts do what we do for a variety of reasons.  Maybe some people are insecure. Sometimes people don't know any other way to relate to others. Sometimes it's just fun. But it sounds like you  guy is cute, charming, witty, and nice, and EVERYONE notices it. 

One thing I am wondering, does your  guy even consider what he is doing as flirting?  Maybe he is just being friendly and making conversation. For example, if he is one of those touchy people who is always laying his hand on someone's arm when he is trying to make a point, and he also leans in close to hear the person and smiles and makes eye contact, most people could read that as flirting.  But the same behavior could mean he is just listening closely and paying attention to the speaker.

Maybe you could talks to him about what specific behaviors you consider as "crossing the line."  If he does particular things that make you uncomfortable, then you can ask him to curtail those behaviors.  Or you could ask him to lavish extra attention on you, so that every  woman in the room (including YOU)has no doubt that YOU are the loved and adored girlfriend, and all he is going to do with any one else is talk. 

[Nonameanymore]

Hi Lupita,

There is 'social' flirting and there's the 'other' kind that is disrespectful to your date.
I find it horrible when a couple walks down the street and the guy stares are other women - it's insulting to his date.

I am a really jealous person and I could never be with someone who flirts the 'other' way, but have to admit that I have been with one specific person who was just being social and very pr person and there was nothing wrong with that.

I know with dance you can overstep the boundaries - I have graduated from classical dance. I remember at one point we were left with only one guy and when we were rehearsing and he had to lift us, he wouldn't miss an opportunity to grab our a***s.

It's up to you what you'll do with the relationship and to decide for yourself if this is something you can tolerate or not.

[seasons]

Lupita,

I wish you the best in what ever way you decide to do in this relationship.

Be well, seasons

[Lupita]

i am building so much resentment that i do not know how much more i can tolerate. i am almost about to explote. getting depressed.

[CB123]

Lupe,

I am so sorry you have gotten to this point.  I guess its obvious that you have reached the place where it is time to end it?  Therapy right now--when the feelings are so intense--might really help you sort some things out.  I suspect there are a lot of betrayals all wrapped up in your anger at this man.

Thinking of you, Lupita,
CB

[lighter]

SOunds like it's time to take a break from the relationship, Lupe.

So sorry you're in pain (((Lupita)))
Mo2

[Ami]

Lupita
 Ont thing I think I can say, safely, is that you are re-experiencing childhood wounds. WHAT is you and what is him? What is old ? What is real?
 Those are the hard questions.
 Maybe,coming here and writing all your feelings will help.
 Write about how it feels to be betrayed and rejected etc--etc etc
 All if it!
       Ami

[Hopalong]

Hi Lupita,

I once had a therapist say something VERY interesting. I don't know whether it's a truism or not but it gave me a lot to think about anyway:

You are drawn to relationships to people of the opposite gender with whom you will re-enact, and re-enact, your conflict with your parent of your gender. Until you are finished doing that.

I figured out I'd had a lot of boyfriends who were all about my mother.

AAAGGGH. But it was really helpful.

love to you,
Hops

[Lupita]

knew that, i made a comment about that to you when you fell in love with yoiur T and then your friend the gardener. I mentioned that I DID THE SSAME ALL MY LIFE. And keep doing it. Just now, do not want to be alobe again. I have been alone for too long now. I do not want to be alone again.
yesterday we went dancing and every thing went wonderful until he "flirted" he grabbed the arm of a woman he was dancing the other day with a way to look at her that I told him, the way you look at her when you dance is the reason that you send mixed messages. Then they start sending you e maisl and calling you becasue they think there is a chance. That is what M does. Sewnds mixed messages and then lonely women get mislead. I told him that is is converting into an emotional predator if he keeps doing that.
But women see that he is devoted to me all the time, that we spend all dance otgether, he only dances with them during class, and sometimes not even diuring class, all the real party he devoestes to me, but these women are so stupid that they think that they have a chance. The only thing they do is inflate hi sego, and that is why he does it.
So, the ned of the party we wnet to a night club and found friends there, he danced with me all the time,. and when we were living he made a small snesual movemnent to say good bye to my female friend who was saaying good bvye to me and I told him again yuu are "flirting" and my friend did not correspond to his advance that was only ofr a second.
he said that he is diminishing his flirting little by little.
I think that he has diminished a lot and I am not giving him prase for that little he does. That is a mistake on my part to. I have to give him positive re-inforcement when he does something good like the do to animals or to shamu in seaworld. Men are animnals that need to be trained and shape behavior like in the circus. I am mad now, but if I act reasobly I might be able to shape his behavior to a tolerable form that we can love eachother.
What do you think friends?

[Lupita]

I hurt him because I told him that women stand in line to dance with him not because of his dancing abilities but becuase what he makes them feel. aNMD THAT is what I am gainst up. he said he was going to stop. But just last night he grabbed the arm of that woman. I told him that she could have thought that it was an invitation to dance. Fortunately for her, she did not responded and she only said hi. Fortunately for her because I was not going to allow it. IO did it before and he stayed with me. He did nto go with the women, he asked me permission to dance with her when that other women long time ago asked him to dance with me there by him, he asked and I said no and I was going to do the same last night. That woman did not respond to his gran arm, he said that he was being "friendly" and he was playing only. Ho Hoi ho Ho ho and I belive in santa Clause.
But that is nothign compared to what he did before. He spent all night danicng with other women and danced with me just a little. Not he does not dance with anybody, just with me.
So, now is just the flirting. And now all those women kind of left us alone. This time I went to the bath room and nobody came to ask him. They did it before. They waited till I went to the nathroom and askewd him to dance. When I came out of the bathroom he was dancing. One day I pretended I went to the bathroom and there they came to my table three women. Now he only dances with me. He usually goes out opn his own on Wednesday. Yesterday he told me that he wants me to come with him on Wednesday too. I hope I do not impose my presence too much. I am 54 he is 66. So, at least I can show younger than his friends. he knows that he wuill not ghet anopther women with education and a career like me.
Anyway, there is where I am today. We are going walking this afternoon and dancing tonight. Tomorrow I have to work. he has his onw business so he can do whatever he wants.
OK friends, keep talking to me. I need your friendship.

[lighter]

If he is a liar and a flirt, then that's what he is, Lupe.

There's no amount of policing his behavior that will change him..... and you're not built for that life anyhow.

It's just too much work for too much pain, IMO.

If he's innocently flirty, then perhaps you have a chance.

Sounds like he's manipulating you, and all those other women, from where I sit, and my views not so good from here.

Enjoy what you have, while you have it.  At least the dancing's good.

[Sealynx]

Lupita,
When I look at a situation I like to turn it around and see if from different directions. For instance I will put myself in the shoes of the other women, in his shoes and in mine and try to see it from all angles.

One thing I am wondering about here. You said the women are leaving him alone. Is it normally the same group of women each time you go out? In other words are they leaving him alone because they don't like what they see or is the message "stay away" coming from his behavior and body language?

S