Hello Twoapenny, maybe this helps a bit:
http://curezone.com/forums/fm.asp?i=1089008One-upmanship is the first (and, most common) red flag for narcissism, malignant narcissism, and full-blown NPD. This is when someone close to the NPD might be having a physical or emotional issue and the NPD will express what they believe to be an empathetic response with a backhanded remark about how much worse their condition is, whether it exists or not. An example of this might be the non-NPD comes home after work and says, "Gosh, I sure had a bad day and my head is just splitting." The NPD might respond with something along the lines of, "Gee, that's too bad. My eyes feel like they're going to pop right out of my head! There was this incident at the convenience store, today..." The non-NPD is often denied the opportunity to vent or describe their episode or pain as the NPD verbally muscles their way into (and, over) the non-NPD. The NPD is always having a worse time than anyone else and often invents physical ailments to prove their point. Nobody could be in more pain than the NPD. And, this also includes "positive" episodes. One-upmanship goes both ways: the NPD has more money (often, untrue), more material possessions (often true due to very poor financial control), more education, etc., etc
Withold/reward is the system of baiting, luring, and snagging a narcissistic supply source. Like a bait worm, compliments, attention, affection, simple daily needs, financial needs, etc., are dangled in front of the non-NPD. The lure is the empty promise that the NPD will fulfill the need ONLY if the non-NPD will comply with the demands of the NPD. "If you lose the weight, I'll buy you a new wardrobe," or, "I won't be able to pay our electric bill unless you 'borrow' some money from your parents," or, "If you convert to my religion, you can take the kids to (church, synagogue, etc.)" or, "It would be so easy for me to love you more if you would stop complaining about your arthritis," or, "I'm not feeling well and you need to call the dentist and cancel my appointment." What's so bad about canceling an appointment for someone? It's a refusal by an adult to take control of their own responsibilities - this is one of the most insidious tactics and the end result (though subconscious) is that the non-NPD ultimately is made to feel that they are responsible for the choices and responsibilities of the NPD.
It is very important to recognize the language of true empathy and discern it from the empty language of false empathy. Comments about the inadequacies of unknown individuals (i.e., victims of domestic violence somehow causing their own beatings, etc.), or demeaning descriptions of "friends" or family members, and constant disdain for the suffering (or, successes) of others are typical behaviors from the NPD. The false empathy is expressed only when it will suit the needs of the NPD. They might openly weep and expect that their tears identify what a "feeling" person they are to express sorrow, remorse, etc. The tears are shut off as quickly as they begin with very little residual effect - the NPD goes on with whatever they were doing without missing a beat.
A person either has empathy or, they don't. The difference between an NPD and a person who does not have empathy is that the NPD uses what they believe to be an empathetic response or demonstration to suit their own needs and NOT the needs of those who are expressing their emotions.
The NPD cannot be negotiated with - any negotiations will be honored on their terms and they will maintain the control over any negotiating, at all times. The NPD has no sense of "fair play." There is no reasoning with an NPD - that which is obviously reasonable and well within social boundaries is not recognized by the NPD, nor do they believe that it applies to them. There is no closure from a relationship with an NPD - whether the relationship is romantic, family-oriented, platonic, or social, the NPD will not easily allow their supply sources a quick exit from the relationship. They will use withold/reward to keep their supplies dangling, some times for decades. There is no "having the last word" over an NPD - they will always be the ones to hang up the phone and then text-message hours later to get the whole thing rolling, again. They will be the ones who turn their backs, first, and leave the non-NPD wondering what it was that they did to warrant such treatment - another common withold/reward tactic. If one is forced to interact with an NPD, it is probably a good idea to keep all emotional information to one's Self - any crumb or grain of information provided by the non-NPD will be used, distorted, overblown, and/or twisted for maximum mileage by the NPD. Keeping contact on a very superficial, business-like level is the best method of dealing with an NPD if there is no other alternative.
Can an NPD be healed or cured? The statistics on a successful "cure" are grim - most NPD's believe that they are superior and above the standards of others. Rules, boundaries, ethics, morals, accountability, responsibility, and consequences do not apply to them, in their minds. Because NPD is a personality disorder and not an organic mental disorder, there are no medications to treat NPD. Individual, group, and support counseling have been successful in moving an NPD towards humanity, but it is an extremely rare occurance and requires years of counseling/therapy to begin the transition. Most NPD's will never seek to cure themselves during their lifetime...
