Hello all,
It's been a while! I have been very busy with graduate studies, but tonight I am taking a night off of school work to reflect, whether or not I can really afford to. (forgive the theological nature, just telling a story) (forgive the gendered approach... This is my story of oppression).
Since August I have been studying at a prestegious theological seminary. I am spending way too much time getting to know the Christian church fathers. Since August, all of my experience of oppression a la various aspects of a patriarchical society (family, social, religious) my experience of voicelessness comes to the fore of my conscious. I am very aware of how church doctrine and hierarchy oppresses women. I'm going through an angry stage. I feel angry at the church fathers, and am inclined to blame them, because it's a safe target for my anger. However, I realize the oppression is from a non-orchestrated amalgimation of subjects.
At first I was amazed, that at this fantastic academic institution, I would run into fellow students who did not beleive I as a woman could possibly be called to lead the church. Faculty have more subtly stated their doctrine through assigning reading on male models for leadership in the church and dismissing my protests. (yes I protested! That's real progress for a once very shy little girl).
The other day, I realized that this is indeed a pilgrimage of pain and hope for me. The hope was here: I went to a lunch with a group of feminist scholars. There was an intimate group, still too many of us to fit around a table, or so I thought. So, althogh the table was not yet full, I sat in a desk behind the table and leaned in to listen to their brilliance. The table did fill up, but the last woman to sit down moved her chair over, so that I could sit at the table too. She was telling me that I deserved to be part of the conversation. This was not a hierarchy, it was a community where everyone has a voice. And guess what, I took part in the conversation. I told a story. In reading feminist scholars, I feel like I am finding my long lost sisters. Instead of judgement, and domination, I think women often need a little solidarity in order that our God-given selves be healed from the undermining effect of patriarchal hierarchy. Only in this affirmation, can we live into who God wants us to be.
Anyway, as I said... I am going throuh an angry phase... But you know what? One of the women at the table recalled her angry phase, and her gloomy phase.... She said, it's ok.. And angry is better than gloomy. I have met very few fellow students who would identify as feminists. However, I have met some very good friends. They are not feminists. They are men and women of many different ideological persuasians. But they have been so supportive of my journey. A supportive community is so healing.
Our selves change as we experience new things. I am slowly gaining more strength, thanks to a good community of support. In my struggle with an emotionally abusive marriage, and general issues of voicelessness, the best healing has come from a compassionate group of people, who are truth tellers. Who allow truth telling.
