Fear

[Annonymous]

How many board members and guests get afraid to post after the actions that transpired tonight?  If you respond, please do it annonymously so you are not exposed. Thanks

[Portia]

Hello Anon, I'll talk to you - (I'll talk to anyone, why not?) - but in my Portia disguise – hope that’s okay. I’ve posted anon myself a few times and sometimes it does good, sometimes not. Guess I’ll stick with this identity. You're not going to come up to my door and punch me on the nose are you? Didn't think so, coz we're all anon here aren't we? You don't know where I live do you? Good. So:

How many board members and guests get afraid to post after the actions that transpired tonight?

What "actions"? I’m not sure what you mean. And my ‘tonight’ is not the same as other members’ tonights. Being in different parts of the world complicates things! But are you worried by some of the words being flung about? Please don't worry, I doubt they're being flung in your direction. And on the off-chance that they are, it's a good opportunity to talk about it. Please don't just 'stuff' it. Please talk about it. This is a good start. Talk about the fear.

If you respond, please do it annonymously so you are not exposed.

Hang on Anon! This is not very helpful to other guests or members is it? Are you suggesting that people can be "exposed" here? What does this mean? That we can get their addresses and go and punch them on the nose? It's not true (I hope, oh boy, I hope so). Even as a member I am anonymous here. Perhaps my board persona can be 'exposed' yes, I have been called on bad behaviour in the past and I think I’ve apologised for it. But that's okay, that's why I'm here, because I'm not perfect, nobody is. We're all human.

And if you are afraid because of something I've said on the board - please tell me, here. There are many other members (and guests) who are likely to protect you against unfair words from me or anyone else. That's why the board is so good. Unlike personal PMing, it's democratic and supportive. If anyone steps over the line, they do get told so. By many voices. And if they really step over the line, I believe that Dr Grossman will intervene. I’ve seen it happen a couple of times.

So please try not to feel fear here. It isn't necessary. Hope you feel less afraid today. Best wishes Anon - P

[OnlyMe]

When I discovered this group, my world changed for the better.
And when I made the decision to join, I jumped in with both feet!
We are all learning from one another, we are sharing our journey, we are testing our voices, and when I choose to use mine, I am
~Only Me

[Annonymous]

By this:

If you respond, please do it annonymously so you are not exposed.

I simply mean folks get you handle and use it to condem you. That's all.

[Portia]

Hi Anon,  glad to see you. I’m just about to log off for today so I hope today and tonight (board time) are better for you.

I simply mean folks get you handle and use it to condem you. That's all.

Thanks for saying that. Folks have certainly used my name to condemn me in the past and I’ve resorted to various tactics – posting as Guest a few times, sticking in one thread (like a bunker) but at the end, it seems better for me to be one name. I get to learn more that way and despite the stuff I’ve done and brought upon myself here, I’m a bit better(healthier), I think, because of it. I sure don’t throw things like I used to (literally) and when I get angry at home now, it doesn’t last so long. Sorry, burbling away.

What I’m trying to say is, it’s okay to have a name. I don’t think anyone here really hates anyone else, not really. We just see things in our own way. It’s only by keeping talking that we see how other people see things and can appreciate their point of view. And having a name means that others can see us changing our points of view too, others can tell us when we’re behaving badly or getting better. People do change and it's great to see someone change. They change their mind because of interaction with other people. Without other people's views and opinions we can stay locked inside our own heads and that’s not healthy. Talking is very healthy. I’ll do some more if you wish ha ha! Blathering away. But I must go for now! Anyway, glad you came back. P

[Portia]

Sorry I logged out and had another thought about your post. About condemning people. I don’t think anyone here will condemn anyone else. What they’ll get upset about is someone’s particular behaviour at a particular time. Doing something that upsets someone else doesn’t make us a ‘bad person’. It’s just one thing we’ve done. So we don’t condemn the whole person, just something they did. And we can get over it. CG said something to me ages ago which was like a light going on:

A mistake is not a person, it is an event.

I think it’s true. People are people. We don’t have to condemn anyone here I think.

[Anonymous]

I will be a guest on this one. Yes, I have felt fear in posting here at times. Portia, you seem to not be voiceless at all. You express yourself very well and have a large voice in my opinion. And don't get offended, but you don't seem to need this forum anymore. What I mean is that you seem to be in the ramble thread chatting with buddies and not really working on voicelessness issues (most of the time - not all the time). Maybe I have the wrong impression.

But there are people in the world in general and on this board who are introverted and reserved by nature and don't like all the stuff flying back and forth. I don't come here for conflict. I get enough of that with the Ns in my life.

But that being said I do find this board a really good place most of the time. I feel it could be tweaked a bit to make it better though. And I feel like you have encouraged some unsavory characters like Solace to stay here when she represents a point of view that 99% of us don't agree with. I feel like her presence is a bit of poison. I know you posted that BBC radio interview with the two ladies who had had husbands who molested their children. I did take the time to listen to the whole thing. And I don't feel like the one lady's situation is like Solace's at all....sorry I'm making a leap here. Maybe incorrectly, but I don't sincerely think so. The one lady who kept her H is a very different situation and attitude than S. She is not pushing understanding for her H's actions and not accusing her kids, sisters, etc. of being Ns. She actually seemed reasonable. S doesn't seem reasonable. And I think if you want to scratch her brain, you should do it on your time and space...not on this board. That's just my opinion. She probably does indeed have some deep injuries. But imo I think she is getting N supply here and I for one don't like it one little bit. She sounds too N to me to me. I don't want to even be nice to this person. She needs help elsewhere and her and your not understanding this concerns me a great deal.

[Anonymous]

I, too, have had too much conflict in my life.  Seeing so much here on the board has made me back away.  It was a source of comradarie at one point, but now I'm afraid if I have an opinion, I'm afraid someone will atack what I say (as has happened most of my life).  I don't care if someone disagrees with me, but the personal attacks on this board make me very uncomfortable, & I am trying to find support elsewhere.  It seems the board's focus lately has become mud-slinging rather than discussing issues with Ns.

[Portia]

Okay, I'm getting a message loud and clear. I don't need to post, you're right, I can use the PM and other channels. Thank you both Guests above for your posts, condsidered and thoughtful both of them. I've read other views on the CG thread and well, I can see the point. I don't 'need' to be here I guess. And it's unfair to do my stuff - chucking the Dorothy Rowe quotes about and so on - when it probably would be better left off. I'm not around next week anyway and won't even be reading, so it's probably a good time too. I feel a bit sad. But that's okay. I'll catch up with a few people privately in a bit. Thanks, P

[The Voice of Reason]

Come on Portia.  Don't let some nameless poster sweep you away.  
You know your own needs and you are welcome to speak here.  Be as fair to you.

[Anonymous]

It's OK not to need.  You can have what you want.  You can have what you enjoy.  You can have what makes you feel safe.

No person should be pushed out.

But...

behaviour may be modified.

thoughts may be made rational.

feelings may be contained.

Here.

[les]

In answer to the question - do you get afraid to post? Yes, I do.  I think it might be possible to get over it but I'm still easily intimidated. (as I wrote that I wondered if someone might rush out and accuse me of being a spineless whimp.) Perhaps this is mostly my own internal dialogue but at times I fear being verbally attacked.  But maybe it would be liberating to be attacked and survive.  


This board has been a lifesaver and I feel very protective of it.  

Les

[OnlyMe]

(((( Les ))))

I, too, feel very protective of this board, for it has been a lifesave for me as well....

[Solace]

"But maybe it would be liberating to be attacked and survive. "

Good point Les!  Never thought of that and you have turned something negative into something postive.

Thankyou

S

[Anonymous]

It's liberating to be attacked and FIND PROTECTION.  

That's what none of us had as kids.  Always under attack from the Ns in our lives and we had to give in or get out.  We learnt to hide or we learnt to stand tall.  But always, always alone.

Here on this board, you may get attacked but someone will always protect you.