Being loved by people vs being loved by your N mother

[Overcomer]

I went to my 31st class reunion last summer.  It was so much fun.  I had just found out I had leiomyosarcoma, a rare type of cancer.  I was to be starting chemo in about three weeks after that.  Word got around that I had cancer and everyone was so kind.

In February I went in for a follow up scan and it showed the cancer has spread to my liver and it recurred in the original spot.

So a couple of my friends from jr high and hi school decided to throw me a benefit to offset some of my bills.  I stopped working and have applied for disability.

It has been wonderful, the outpouring of love for me.  These people have gone out into the community and gotten over $7000 worth of silent auction items, my friends's band is playing free of charge, a portion of all food sold go back to me, a bank account set up, flyers posted all over the Omaha area.  I feel love.

Meanwhile my mother reluctantly told me she would help out if I needed.  When was that disability kicking in?  She told me to give her my bills and she would pay them......that is how the accountant told her to do it.  Oh, I could give her the bills but then I would get something like, "I cannot believe you spend that much for your cell phone."  Or "do you really need cable tv?"  Or , or, or................

If she were to die I would get a huge chunk of money.  I die, I get little portions doled out to me so she looks like a good mother.  The truth is I don't really think she wants to help me out but it is somehow required of her.

I told her my bills were overdue and I could use a check.  That is when she told me to give her the paper bills, etc.  I said (and you all will be very proud of me.....

"Mom, I pay my bills online so I don't think I am prepared to go in, cancel alll the bills and then find the paper ones and then give them to you.  I hope I make so much money at this benefit that I NEVER have to come to you again for money." 

Well, she pshawed me but I said it and I mean it.  My friends give out of love for ME.  My mom gives because people would think she was awful if she didn't.

[Portia]

(((((((((Kelly)))))))))

[Sealynx]

Good for you Kelly. Money is energy and it can heal or hurt. The money my mother gives is like a pay-off to make sure I continue accepting her poison. The trade-off isn't worth it. The money you get from friends is a dose of very good medicine with only one purpose...to heal and sustain you with love.

[Worn]

The money my mother gives is like a pay-off to make sure I continue accepting her poison. The trade-off isn't worth it.

Oh wow, I can really relate to that statement.

Overcomer, I had a thought the other day about the people who have truly loved me in my life.  The ones who see me, know me, and love me anyway.
I realized I could keep those experiences in my heart and mind as a defense against the negative energy in my life.  I recalled as many instances as I could and kind of stored them all in one place.  They are healing places.  And they are all mine.  That thought is comforting also.  That I share them with no one.
Wishing you many healing places, Worn

[mudpuppy]

My friends give out of love for ME.  My mom gives because people would think she was awful if she didn't.

Blood is NOT thicker than water.
A true family is made up of the people who love and support you.
It is not made up of those who abuse you no matter what the DNA says.

mud

[nolongeraslave]

^Agreed. This is why it makes me cringe when some people say "Family is the only thing that will stand by you, when nobody else will."

Please. My clients who are ex-convicts have been more respectful and nicer to me than my own family. 

[Portia]

Home is the place where they have to take you in - or so I've heard.

Better for some of us to make our own homes than swallow that one.

I once did a philosophy quiz testing your morality. The results told me that I have zero family affiliation. (Should you rescue your one family member or the 20 other strangers? - that kind of thing.) Even with blood family that I do really like (I said the other day to DH) I have to work so hard to maintain any relationship. This followed one of those silly 'what would we do if there was a national emergency like a virus outbreak in the cities', and I'd said, well, we could go and squat in that empty house and take all the boys with us....meaning, none of my blood, although I said it without realising that that is what I now think. Which was interesting. I'm rambling again.

[Ami]

I am glad you had the outpouring of love, Kelly. It is nice to know that there is good in this world. The NM sure gives us enough bad!
                           

                                                          Ami

[Logy]

Kelly,
So very happy for the outpouring of love you received!  You must mean alot to those in your life!  The N's in our lives don't get it.  That others value us, that we have touched those we have come in contact with.  Others see us as another being, struggling through this life together, rather than a financial liability that our accountant needs to handle.
A real mom would be at that benefit, cheering you on, thanking all who were there to support and love you.
Logy

[JustKathy]

Hi Kelly!

It's so great to hear from you. It sounds like you are doing well. I'm so happy for you, that you have friends who love you and are really showing you that love. That has to feel awfully good, knowing that people care about you because of who you are, with no ulterior motives. And SO proud of you for standing up to your NM. You don't need her. Stay close to the people who REALLY love you, and be happy. 

[Sealynx]

Portia,
A psychiatrist once gave my sister a batter of tests and after he asked her...how young were you when you father died? He said she did not respond correctly to any of the questions about father figures and he thought she had none. My father died at age 87 and he only had a few N traits.

[Hopalong]

PHamily, PHamily, yo, ja, yesss, oui, da, yes y'all!

Nism or at least, NPD, is a modern plague I'll bet. I'd love to read research on PDs 100-200 years from now, find out what they've found out...

((((Kelly)))) glad you're feeling loved and letting it in!

love,
Hops

[Portia]

Sealynx, hi, I don't follow what you're saying there. Can you help me understand please?

Hops I'd love to see if we still have a civilisation in 200 years! I mean, I'd really like to know, but yeah, that's just me. Nism as modern plague......problem is they survive too well. Evolution in reverse? Maybe we need people who will survive come what may? Ha. As if there's some overarching 'intention', pattern or objective in evolution. There isn't......maybe.

[Portia]

Sealynx, i think I get it, you're saying there is good reason for my 'morality'. I thought your reply was opposing my post, because I think i saw the word 'psychiatrist' which tends to 'turn me off'!

Yeah. I guess with my experiences I can see those sort of 'moral' choices differently. And I know why I do that, which seems okay.

[Overcomer]

Thanks for your responses.  Mom showed up early to "help" at the benefit.  Then she bid on all the items and pretty much won most of them.  She wrote out a check for $5000 to my friend and said, "there, that should pretty much cover everything I bid on."  Then she told me........"well if I was going to give money anyway, I might as well take home some nice prizes!"

OH.......she gets a nice tax deduction AND gets some jewelry and a cosmetics basket and a computer and a painting.........I don't know what else she bid on but she pretty much got all the nice stuff....

Such a piece of work.