Boundary defining moments

[swimmer]

Just throwing this out there..... I'm grabbing at straws for validation for multiple stresses...

It's probably just me and going through an extremely sensitive time now...... Have you ever felt like your boundaries have been crossed to far here for having lots of people read threads you've started, but not many post responses?  I've NEVER felt like this before, and it sort of bothers me.  This forum is supposed to be open and at free will, besides it's hard to post when one is recovering from voicelessness.

I think my boundaries have tightened lately, and I hope this doesn't get in the way of participating in this board.... This really is a haven.  Perhaps I'm posting more sensitive material these days than I'm ready to share.

I guess this is a hard week for me.  In the cyber experience, there really is no way to express when people are just listening.  I'll go to bed with that positive thought.  I'm going to meditate on the thought that everytime someone reads a thread, they are being heard.

I think I worked this out, thanks for reading it:)))

[teartracks]

Hi Swimmer,

It's probably just me and going through an extremely sensitive time now...... Have you ever felt like your boundaries have been crossed to far here for having lots of people read threads you've started, but not many post responses?  I've NEVER felt like this before, and it sort of bothers me.  This forum is supposed to be open and at free will, besides it's hard to post when one is recovering from voicelessness.

The board waxes and wanes for many reasons.  I'm confident boundaries are crossed from time to time.  Not having a few meaningful posts could be interpreted as rejection or disinterest in the subject at hand, but in reality, probably isn't.  Gosh, there are so many ways to view the activity here and it's ever changing.  The best part is that people often find life changing answers here.  

tt

[Gaining Strength]

Swimmer, I am so glad you had the courage to post this thread.  I have struggled at times in a very painful way with the very thing you write about.  There were times that the pain of it was so huge that I simply went away for months at a time.  It was too great an echo of the invisibility and rejection that I had lived with life-long.  And what I see as I read your post is that it has NOTHING to do with you but I also see that when I experienced it my pain was so severe because it reflected back on me what I feaared most - rejection and voicelessness which in my experience was a profound worthlessness and isolation.

But on the other hand I do believe that we respond to things that mirror our own situation.  And it may be that at times your post did not connect with a reader though the readers cared about you and were not rejecting. 

I have also felt that same pain when my threads were the source of other conversations.  In principle I have no problem with a thread taking on any turn and twist that comes about naturally but when I am in excruciating pain and needing help, concern and validation the pain of the sidelines is unbearable.

I encourage you to think about making a declarative statement that you need feedback or support or encouragement.  That is one possibility.
I pray that you receive what you need here.  It is so important for us all.

[Hopalong]

Hi Swimmer,
I have always told myself that it must, always, be fully voluntary, to comment or not...I can only hope people know readers hear them, and my belief is, caringly.

Life just gets so complex that sometimes I can't respond to more than a few...I'm guarding energy boundaries in my own life too and that sometimes is probably an influence on what I do here.

For me, not responding means I just have nothing helpful to say, or don't have the energy to craft something that could perhaps be helpful. Not that I don't care about the poster.

There are many stories here that break one's heart....

love,
Hops

[swimmer]

Thx guys, these are just the things I need to hear.  Like I said I think this place should be free will, part of what I'm going through is learning to use my voice again.  I dip in and out of it, some years and days worse than others. 

This thread alone reminds me that I need to trust people are here to listen and sometimes that is all that is needed. 

I think another thing I'm learning here is when people simply listen, the best thing is to take it just that way and not live with the critical mind I can have against myself.  I need to create a neutral space when there isn't much to say..  I guess I'm used to people talking over me in certain areas of my life.  When others are silent, they maybe listening and that is what I'm looking for.

So again, thanks for even reading this post and being a witness.

))

[Ales2]

(((((((((swimmer))))))))

I felt the very same way a couple of weeks ago. After posting some stuff, I logged back on the next day hoping to see some activity on some of my threads and nothing. I was thinking to myself, is this me? Am I responding to others with whatever I can when I post? Am I being ignored?  Then I made two disoveries:
1. I post mostly at nite (PST time, so all you east coast folks are in bed already.) Then I check in the morning, hoping for input to help me get through the day. Sometimes, I got disappointed when there was no response.  I decided to wait to end of day and I find people have posted.

2.  I also went through how many posts I had where I made the last comment and wondered, when they see my name, do they forgo reading it? It seemed to prove my fear, that when I was the lost poster, it wasnt read or commented on. So, then I wondered if was what I said wasn't valuable.  I can only guess!

But, I did take notice of others threads that seemed to stop generating responses and how many other people had the last word, without follow up and thought I was equal to everyone else. Its not scientific, and of course, I'd rather someone kindly tell me that I've stepped on a toe rather than leave it alone (we are all hear to be heard respectfully!)  but I think it all turns out about the same.

I think we are all here to support one another, and I appreciate you bringing up this issue. It might be helpful sometimes just to respond - ditto or send a hug of support in times when don't leave a detailed response.

All the best to you   ((((((((((swimmer))))))))))

[Ales2]

And I find typos reprehensible and regrettable, but I'm probably the worst offender on the board, in case anyone is secretly counting!   

[swimmer]

CB-

Thx so much for your insights.  I feel a little silly for posting this thread.... I have long days as well, so I totally understand.  I an early response post of mine I articulated my really feeling supported by people just reading what I wrote.

I think part of my difficulty might be that I don't fit in the cyber world sometimes.  It's so hard for me to articulate what is going on in my mind.  I face the distraction that what I post is not important sometimes, so this time I thought I'll just say what I'm thinking. 

I can't always read and write back to posts, as my days are pretty busy as well.  I may not put enough caveats in this topic to explain I don't EXPECT lots of people to respond.

In fact, I'm having such a hard time explaining right now.

Sometimes I share more than I'm ready to.... Ughhhh, I just can't focus enough to write.  I have a white blank slate.

Sorry if I rattled anyone with this.   
   

[swimmer]

I've been reading through these responses and realize maybe I have a problem articulating what I really mean.... I'm concerned about any misunderstandings....

I think I started something which is a total misunderstanding.....   


 

[Hopalong]

Hey Swimmer...

it's OKAY.

We get insecurity. Eh? I'll bet all of us here do...I sure do.

I think posting vulnerable stuff can cause waves of that in anybody.

Don't worry that you let doubt and discomfort and neediness be visible. Gently received and this is the COOL thing...you are safe here! Safe to be a work in progress, safe to be whole, safe to be cracked, safe to be fumbling on...

VESMB is a great place to write, and to be right, and even to be wrong. Right? 

It's safe. You're Swimmer, I'm Hops, everybody's a handle and though there is real emotion and connection and closeness, there is also real distance and anonymity and by its nature, then, real safety. (Best thing about the Internet, safe connections for healing, imo...)

So post, don't post, worry, relax, be aware, be unaware...be whatever you are in the present and know it's all okay.

You don't have to do it right.

Pass-Fail class and you already PASS.

hugs,
Hops

[teartracks]

Hi swimmer,

You haven't said or done one thing on this thread to apologiize for.

tt



 

[KatG]

There are many things said here in this thread that I'm grateful for them being posted.
Thank you all.
 

[swimmer]

Thx Hops and tt.  I'm not sure what to say, I'm confusd and kind of wish I hadn't started this thread.  Somehow I feel misunderstood.  I think I lost the point of what I started here, I get distracted easily. 

I'm leaving it at that now..... I'm kind of done with this one;) 

[Meh]

Hi, Swimmer,
I read here that you are having difficulty articulating something. I have a thought about that. I was noticing the other day after spending time listening to a group of people/students/educators discussing current-event issues at a very high level, that I was better able to articulate myself just by hearing other's doing so. There is something about being around certain people, especially nar-people that can change a person I think. I know that sometimes I am better able to articulate myself then other times. When I am around my relatives it feels like they are all ADD because the communcation is so bad, no one person is allowed to continue a thought or discuss it with others, it's a lot of interuption, insults, "shut-ups"...etc.
Somehow it's ironic though that my Nar-grandmother is now writing her second book, so apparently she can articulate herself when she wants to?

I guess that is part of the reason why it is called "voicelessness".
I personally crave being around groups of people that can articulate well and in the context of a whole group, because I feel so out of practice at expressing myself well after spending years with nar-people I became more and more shut-down, emotionally and verbally. Someone told me that I didn't even make eye contact with people anymore.

Anyways that's just my random thoughts.

[sKePTiKal]

Hey swimmer... I think your thread hits on something I've fumbled around with words, trying to describe. I'm calling it (provisionally)  the "flip side of boundaries". And it's VERY important!! Just as important as being able to stop people from bulldozing right over you... BUT:

I don't know if this is exactly - or even close to - what prompted your post. So let me know, OK? Sometimes my "intuition" plays tricks on me... and I get it completely wrong. Especially on this topic!! That's 'coz I'm still learning about this side of boundaries, I think. And oh yes - I'm sort of the "queen" of babble - it takes me a whole lot of words to "spit something out"... 'coz I'm like a blind person in a dark, infinite space... and I can feel things that I think might be "x"... but I'm not sure. I think I've even contradicted myself in the same post! LOL! S'OK, you know? We're all kinda fumbling in the dark... there isn't any "manual" for what we're doing, to consult. I've gotten used to being proved wrong; or barking up the wrong tree... it's allowed... and nothing bad will happen, if I am wrong. In fact, I've learned some very helpful and important things this way. So, with that disclaimer:


No one wants to feel invisible. That feeling starts up a whole cesspool of other feelings for me: not being recognized as a person with inherent worth, not being important, hell - not mattering at all or being "real" at the most extreme. And sometimes the cyber world can feel like the world's most lonely place, because of this. It's like having no one to "play" with...

That need to be acknowledged, is the "flip side" of boundaries. I "think". It's the craving for someone to say: OH! There YOU are... YOU are YOU... and I am ME... and here WE are... and we both matter; can do things apart & together; neither being more important than the other... but not being alone.

Long time ago, I posted something I came across online about the 3 "nutrients" we need for well-being... autonomy, efficacy (our own belief in our power "to do"), and connection. It's a 3-way chicken & egg problem: no one of these things is more important than the others and sometimes one will depend on the other to exist... but they all have to exist as conditions of the feeling of "well-being"... of feeling "OK". It's sort of a balancing or juggling act. I wonder sometimes....

what good is a boundary, if I'm "not OK" inside it? So, I try to "connect"... even if what I'm saying makes absolutely no sense to anyone ('coz I don't know the right words - yet)... and even if the explanation eventually gets to the length of "war & peace" as I try to find the words that someone else will understand what I "mean"...

Connecting with others sort of requires the "others". So I can understand why it bugs you to post and have it be like the proverbial "tree that falls in the forest". And the title of your thread makes sense to me, in this context... you're talking about the flip side of boundaries, I think.

Is this even in the general vicinity of what you meant?