Gift Giving

[Frustrated]

The holiday's are quickly approaching and I was wondering how others deal with the dreaded Giving Gifts To The Narcissist?

Back in the day (the not too far distant day) before the blinders came off and I was still the well-trained highly obedient supplier, I would always ask my mother what to get my father for Christmas.  And she would tell me something he had expressed really really wanting.  So I would go out and buy this item, wrap it, and present it to him - and always without fail he would look at the item, frown, and ask "What the hell did you get me this for?  What am I supposed to do with this?  Did you keep the receipt?  I don't want this."  And my mother would be sitting there looking all smug and smirky.

The added bonus to these little get-togethers is that they've managed to drive everyone else off, so I'm the only one there besides them.  Yeah for me.

Now, of course, I realize I was being set-up by my mother, but this doesn't excuse my father's jerky response.  And I've received some crap gifts from them over the years, and if I had responded like that, WWIII would have started.

I think my favorite Christmas, though, I had just purchased my own home and my mother wanted to know what I wanted for Christmas.  Since I was just getting started, I didn't have a lot of cookware, and I had a paticular brand/pattern that I liked.  It was far too extravagent for me to purchase an entire set (or request someone else to purchase it for me) so I would buy a piece here and there as I could afford, and suggested my mother could do the same.  I don't actually remember what she got me that year, but nothing related to cookware.  However, and she couldn't resist showing me, my father had purchased her an entire set in the brand/pattern I liked, and she proudly displayed it to me.  I just said oh thats nice!  But I knew my mother, who couldn't care less about cooking or a particular cookware, neither needed nor wanted that set, and from what I can tell, probably hasn't used it that much to this day.

Nowadays, I refuse to exchange gifts with my parents.  I won't buy them anything, and ask that they don't buy me anything (which is fine with them because they certainly aren't going to get me anything if I'm not going to get THEM anything)

[Anonymous]

Did you ever say 'because mother told me that's what you really, really wanted and I wanted you to have something you really, really wanted'???

I suspect not cos we get caught up in the 'game' the N plays off of us.

That thing about your mother getting the very thing you wanted is so typically N.  Gotta laugh really otherwise you'd go mad!  They want to give you the gift but they're so empty they can't let it go.

I'm so well trained that I spend my life finding out what other people want then giving them that gift.  And the gift could be psychological.  You want love - here you are; you need someone to shove around : here you are; you need someone to hate : here you are; you need someone to project all your sicko stuff onto : here you are - I'll take all your bad stuff so you can feel like you're the most wonderful person on earth.  

It's like a drug, but I'm giving it up - for Xmas and for ever.

[Frustrated]

On occasion I actually would say "Hey, Mom said you wanted this" and she would pipe up with "Yeah, you said you did.  Remember?"  And he would always respond "I don't remember that."  Since he would always say that whenever he had done or said something outrageous and his behavior/actions were pointed out to him, I assumed for years that he was the problem and my poor put-upon mother had to put up with this schlub.  It was a long time before I realized they got themselves a sick game going on and she's a bigger participant than he is.  She was setting him up to look bad in my eyes (and he played right into it with his obnoxious response, and I fell for it) just as she was setting me up to look stupid in his eyes.

I'm just glad I see all this now.  And I do laugh sometimes because it just so absurd.  Doesn't mean I don't still get sucked and in kick myself later, but its progress!  Just eliminating the gift giving aspect has made the holidays much nicer for me, and I think, for them too.  I don't think they much liked "having" to spend money on me and now they don't have to worry about that anymore.


Its hard to let go of that well-ingrained training, even after you've become aware of it.  Its so frustrating!  But it sounds you've got the right idea and you're on your way to giving it up for good!

 I'm so well trained that I spend my life finding out what other people want then giving them that gift. And the gift could be psychological. You want love - here you are; you need someone to shove around : here you are; you need someone to hate : here you are; you need someone to project all your sicko stuff onto : here you are - I'll take all your bad stuff so you can feel like you're the most wonderful person on earth.  It's like a drug, but I'm giving it up - for Xmas and for ever.

[Anonymous]

Hi Frustrated,

Yep.  Ns really take the joy out of gift giving.  To them, it's just another opportunity to stick to someone.  In your case, it sounds like "divide and conquer" for your mother.  Your dad sounds angry at the whole situation, but helpless or uninterested in fixing anything.

You could ask your dad directly what he wants.  Maybe.  You've probably already tried that???  Or ask him what his latest interest is.  Golfers and fishermen are easy to buy for, tons of stuff to be had.

Since you've lost the "what do you want" game, you can lose by trying out your own ideas.  Just for variety.  And if you get it right, watch your mother's eyes bug out.  

Your mother sounds positively sick to buy something you wanted to just inspire jealousy in you.  Ick.  Phooey.  My NSIL really ruined gift giving by asking precisely what we wanted and getting the cheapest item.  I felt like we should just exchange twenty dollar bills for all the love and thought and generosity that went into it.

My advice is to be proactive and thoughtful.  The way you'd want them to be.  And expect nothing nice in return.  Just lower your expectations and be the person you want to be.

Happy holidays.  Seeker

[Moonflower]

.....

[Frustrated]

Interesting - I can't believe it but it never ever occurred to me to ask my father directly what he'd like for Christmas.  I (and anyone who still cared at any given time) always went through my mother for everything related to my father.  No one ever approached my father directly about anything.  Its just interesting that it never occurred to me.

[OnlyMe]

Feels like I am reading every gift-giving occasion we have ever had.  Then, after a few weeks, they give the gifts back to me, saying they don't like them, or don't need them.  Slap slap slap.

Speaking of old witches, today is Halloween. Happy Halloween to you all, and if you go outside tonight, look up at the moon, you may see my Nmom sailing past it on her broom stick. Twisted Evil

Thanks for the smile.  The same thought flashed through my mind today.  Maybe we'll see the NM's flying past on to never-to-return-again land.  
Oh, bad thought  

but true thought  cuz I'm down for the count, trying to pull out all the knives that she has used to stab me in the back the last few days.  It still surprises me that I don't see them coming.  My NM is a clever, deviant,  Manipulating, lying back-stabber.  I can barely get up on one knee, let alone stand, yet.  All the energy it takes to cope has made me weak, and furthermore, I am really resenting all the energy, time and well-being that I am losing from this precious life of mine because of her and her sick sick mind.  I'm going to watch the sky tonite....will be looking for the old bitches, er witches flying past.  THAT would be a Gift (re: the title of your thread!).

[Wildflower]

Speaking of old witches, today is Halloween. Happy Halloween to you all, and if you go outside tonight, look up at the moon, you may see my Nmom sailing past it on her broom stick.  

Thanks for the smile. The same thought flashed through my mind today. Maybe we'll see the NM's flying past on to never-to-return-again land.  
Oh, bad thought  

I just had this image of ALL of our NMoms flying around the moon - fighting for space and crashing into each other.    Thanks for that image, Moonflower and OnlyMe!

Happy Halloween!!

Wildflower

[Solace]

Hi Everyone:

My sister officially announced that she "did not wish to be involved" with me, yet the first Christmas after that, she sent some really unusually lovely gifts to me, by having my children deliver them.

Once the hubbub was all over and January set in, I wrote her a note asking her to please dispense with gift giving to me and that I intended to do the same, except ofcourse that this did not include the children.  I would continue to send gifts to my sister's children and that I did not wish to interfere in her gift giving to my children.

She used to buy my kids fairly nice gifts but that Christmas and from then on, the gifts became shockingly (for my children) less than lovely (even before I sent the note).  My kids still visit her and look forward to seeing their cousins (who are much younger, still small kids) and afterward they tell me things like:

"Auntie says she doesn't know why you keep sending (my nefews) gifts.  She said that (blank-gift) was (blank derogatory adjective).  She says they'll (the boys) never know who you are anyway".

I don't show a negative reaction when my children relay these messages but inside, I feel the anger rising.  I want to say:  "Tell Auntie to go....." but instead I usually answer something logical  like:  "The boys will grow up some day".   Also, I talk with them about their feelings when such statements are made to them by their aunt.

The whole gift giving thing cause me anxiety and frustration.

Thanks for this topic.

S

[Anonymous]

always went through my mother for everything related to my father. No one ever approached my father directly about anything. Its just interesting that it never occurred to me.

Hi frustrated - that's what they do - perhaps you didn't realise but nmothers have to have everyone communicate via them - they are the hub of all communication so they control it all.  If you all tried to communicate with each other or have a personal and individual relationship with each other, it would set the nmom off on one of those raging tantrums.

[kat]

Just discovered this site, and it may save my liver. I've been caring for my NMom (I'm a newbie enough to still hear a voice in my head saying "But she's not THAT BAD, of course") who just had heart valve replacement surgery. Medication is also distilling her charming personality. While she's been taking Sotilol, This-a-tol and That-a-tol, I've been nipping the Damitol: the bottle of bourbon, 'coz that way I won't really commit matricide. For Halloween -- a holiday I usually adore -- she insisted on telling us to invite the kids inside to view her chest scar.  And did it, while giving them a running commentary on how the surgery didn't hurt, what they did, etc.

Three more days until I take the plane bacl to my real life and adulthood...

[Anonymous]

Hi Everyone:

My sister officially announced that she "did not wish to be involved" with me, yet the first Christmas after that, she sent some really unusually lovely gifts to me, by having my children deliver them.

Once the hubbub was all over and January set in, I wrote her a note asking her to please dispense with gift giving to me and that I intended to do the same, except ofcourse that this did not include the children.  I would continue to send gifts to my sister's children and that I did not wish to interfere in her gift giving to my children.

She used to buy my kids fairly nice gifts but that Christmas and from then on, the gifts became shockingly (for my children) less than lovely (even before I sent the note).  My kids still visit her and look forward to seeing their cousins (who are much younger, still small kids) and afterward they tell me things like:

"Auntie says she doesn't know why you keep sending (my nefews) gifts.  She said that (blank-gift) was (blank derogatory adjective).  She says they'll (the boys) never know who you are anyway".

I don't show a negative reaction when my children relay these messages but inside, I feel the anger rising.  I want to say:  "Tell Auntie to go....." but instead I usually answer something logical  like:  "The boys will grow up some day".   Also, I talk with them about their feelings when such statements are made to them by their aunt.

The whole gift giving thing cause me anxiety and frustration.

Thanks for this topic.

S

Somebody, I am far more worried about the *gift* of a sexaul preditor who you gave your kids for a father, than any gift you deam  *inappropriate* from there Auntie. I'm not buying it. The rest of the board can if they want. Get with your real problem - and Sis isn't it.

L.

[Anonymous]

It's really weird the way that solace doesn't see how her actions create the re-actions in her life.  As if the world out there exists and is so unkind.  "Poor innocent little me".  NOT!

The story just doesn't hang together.

Deja vu!

It's like throwing down a banana peel, slipping on it then blaming the world for not picking it up!!!  YOU create the very situations you are complaining about.

You reject your sister's gifts, tell her she can send your kids gifts (gee, how good of you) then expect her to be gracious about it.  Meanwhile your kids suffer believing their aunt doesn't love THEM!

Sadly, in all this time, you've learnt nothing.  

Read up about personality disorders then get some treatment and stop hurting people and driving them nuts.

[Anonymous]

Well my mom has always sent crappy gifts but I just thought that was because she didn't have much money. And that's okay, I just give the stuff to Goodwill. It would be nice if she got me just one nice thing, but her mode is to get many crappy gifts so it looks bountiful. Unfortunately, I get sweaters off the sale rack sometimes with holes or that are not even close to my size. And some fragrance or lotion when I don't use them because of allergies. These are just indicators that she doesn't know me at all.

She gets me teddy bears every year even though I've asked her not to anymore. I guess she's decided I'm the teddy bear daughter and there's no talking her out of it. But at least some child can get it at Goodwill now, so there's an upside. I don't get disappointed anymore. I'm waaaay past that by now. I even get a giggle from it.

I used to get her really nice stuff, but I decided a year ago to just get her a couple of nice but not too extravagant things. I don't bust my budget like I used to. In fact I made the realization one January as I ordered a really nice necklace for her that I should send it back when it arrived. And I did. That was a defining moment for me and it felt good to send that necklace back and get my money back. That I didn't have to try to please Nmom anymore, that it simply did no good.

So the upside is that I save alot more money at Holidays and Birthdays and Mother's day (didn't even send a card this year). And I miss her less and less because I never really had anything much there to begin with.

[Anonymous]

For the two posters who addressed S:  you know S is an N. I know S is an N. S doesn't know S is an N. I do not respond or address her in any way. I think many others don't as well. It is useless. If S had empathy and good intent, she would know she causes pain and chaos here and be gone.