Author Topic: Home & heart  (Read 6906 times)

Hopalong

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Home & heart
« on: August 10, 2010, 11:00:47 PM »
Not really an update but I want to say I'm sorry I haven't been participating much.

So many things have come to a head or are reforming, collapsing, changing...it's hard to write about it.

My daughter is leaving within the week, in what I feel are pretty dangerous circumstances. Enough money for just a month or two, no support group there whatsoever, estrangement between us, no job to go to, just going to find a very cheap fleapit studio in Miami Dade somewhere in the very high-mileage car she bought, boxes of food in the back, two cats...

She has no security at all. Either financial or professional or emotional. And we're at such a painfully distant place that I can't help her even though I'm yearning to.

So it's a very hard leavetaking. She's terrified and angry and I can't bridge the gap. I really can't, I just have to let her go and deal with the fear and grief. The last 10 months were a nightmare for her, and not so good for me either.

On another subject I've given up the idea of keeping my home...not going to buy my brother out. I just can't afford it. So I'm dealing with that impending loss/change. But I do have friends, a church, a job. I have everything, compared to how she is right now.

I just wanted to say what's happening and apologize for not offering much energy to anyone else here right now...I promise I will again once things settle down a bit.

Meanwhile, love to all of you...

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

seastorm

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Re: Home & heart
« Reply #1 on: August 11, 2010, 12:37:40 AM »
Dear Hops,

So good to hear from you. Sorry things are hard for you right now. Sometimes everything happens at once and  it is good to reach out to old friends here for support.

My heart goes out to you.

Sea storm

sKePTiKal

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Re: Home & heart
« Reply #2 on: August 11, 2010, 09:29:21 AM »
Hopsy dear,

Things I have learned about change:

It never turns out as bad as you fear it might...
and even when it's not everything you hoped it would be - it's always close enough to it, to still be a good thing.

Take care of your heart and "home" will take care of itself. I'm mentally wrapping my arms around you in a giant bear hug... to hold you up when you're too tired to stand, hold you together when you fall apart inside, to infuse you with what you NEED and didn't know you had in you... to carry on.

Blessings...
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Sela

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Re: Home & heart
« Reply #3 on: August 11, 2010, 06:01:35 PM »
Dear Hops,

My heart goes out to you as well.  I will pray for you and your daughter.  Maybe things will work out for the best?  Maybe she'll find what she needs and you will find a nice little place to start over (some place where you won't have to deal with your jerk brother!).

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Take care of you.   

Sela

PS:

Maybe you could write a little note and tuck it in some where where your daughter will find it?  Let her know how much you want to find common ground with her?  Whatever feels right?

Hopalong

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Re: Home & heart
« Reply #4 on: August 11, 2010, 09:25:08 PM »
I love that idea, Sela.

Thank you.

Maybe I'll put a note in her python tank.

xo
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

debkor

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Re: Home & heart
« Reply #5 on: August 11, 2010, 09:36:15 PM »
Hey Hops,

You and your D will find your way.  I know as a mother I would be feeling the same way you are.  I have.  I do. 

They find thier way Hops.  Sounds like she is growing up.  Sounds like you are growing up.

We don't stop growing.  Our children are starting out....scared....trying to hold on...letting go.....making changes....some choice....some no choice........everything you have written......everything I am doing....everything my kids are doing......only we are just at different ages.

You may think that they don't worry but they do.  And it annoy's them. 

I never realized this until one day my S said....I worry about you.  You worry about me?  Are you sorry you were a stay at home M?  Not one bit am I sorry.

What are you going to do now?  You are 53 and you have to start over.   And I realized..............WOW.....we both are scared entering a new world, what do we want to be, where do we want to live, now
that we are Growing Up and me Growing up Again~!


and I think that sometimes pisses them off as much as it pisses us off....the worry....the mistakes, the things should have, shouldn't have, wanting things, getting things, giving up things, holding on, letting go.............just at two different ages.................

But fear is there .....should I shouldn't I.........I'm going for it ..angry, scared, same things they are ........only I do think they get (guilt) for wanting to be just them and go ....

I was a single parent hops and my S is seeing a middle aged (well over) who at some point kicked some ass, knew where she wanted to be and got there, to errrr...what to do now and tired with some fear of.....new beginnings. 

Your gap I believe is being bridged.  Your both crossing over.....fearless......scared but fearless..........you both going (seperate) which will unite you.........for you are not that much different.....just different ages.............Gowing up again.

You want her to find her way.  She wants you to find yours.  We really are all trying to find what place we want to be in....just at different ages. 

She knows she can always come home (you know she knows it).  She is going to do this.  She will find her way.  Give her high fives, know she will get a job, give her kudos, you know she'sll make it.....Be proud of her being so fearless.

Now for you dear (fearless) herself................You are going to do this.  You will find your way, your home, always had your heart, just a new lovely place to rest it in, and your making it..........kudos, high fives!!!!!!!!!

So my hats off.......to M and D....and thier new scary beginnings..but really fearless and some where you unite with out even knowing it....with new beginnings...another sate of life........entering, middle, and ending .......and each thinking......same things about each other........

At some point..we do the......They should be settled......They should be settled..........and we both have our feelings about that.....which is not all that different....to the point where we both do the......I have to let this go......

And we're at such a painfully distant place that I can't help her even though I'm yearning to.

And we're at such a painfully distant place that I can't help her even though I'm yearning to.

I did that twice by mistake Hops but then I looked and thought it is very appropriate because I do think....that children may feel the same as we do...but they can't help themselves never mind help us.  Being young (thinking back) it really bothered the hell out of me that I couldn't help my parents (didn't have the means) and they didn't need it but it bothered me to need the help and not be able to just give back .....until...........I walked the same walk as your D.

Angry, scared, and moved ........not knowing how I'd do it......do it with less, or even without TV, And I DID IT.  Be proud of her even though your scared for her.

And you know Hops.  I am sorry that  you have to give up your home now but I'm not scared for you.  I believe in you.  I'm proud of you.  I know your'll do it.
I know things will fall into place for you.....as they will for you D.

As for me.....I'm working on it.....scared, fearless, and going where I'm not sure I'm going.....but I'll get there.  Growing up again....geesh.

Love to you Hoppy.

Deb

teartracks

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Re: Home & heart
« Reply #6 on: August 12, 2010, 01:46:53 AM »




Hi Hops,

I can't add much to what the others have said.  But I can send hugs and I promise I'll pray for your daughter as she travels and for you as you transition on so many things all at once.   You're one terrific lady.

Oh Hops, the title of your thread, Home and Heart - says so much.  I have a deep sense of how you're feeling about your own transition, but your daughters too. 

tt






« Last Edit: August 12, 2010, 02:33:44 AM by teartracks »

lighter

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Re: Home & heart
« Reply #7 on: August 12, 2010, 01:33:58 PM »
Oh (((Hops.)))

You and your daughter have been on my mind.

I  hope/believe releasing the big house, in order to make your own little Hops refuge, will lead to more serenity.

As sad as letting the home go, I know it's eclipsed by your daughter's move.

I'm sending prayers of safety and growth for your daughter......

Care and healing for you, ((my friend.))

Mo2




Izzy_*now*

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Re: Home & heart
« Reply #8 on: August 12, 2010, 01:51:51 PM »
Hi Hops

I, too, am thinking of you.

I believe that, at 30, your D must be on her own. She will do fine! She will have to, and will find a way. Just keep that thought only--she will do fine. She is a grown-up--then go about looking after you.

She will do fine!

Then the house--well that will be a big change for you and keep your mind busy except for--

She will do fine!

and one day you will believe it! and one day you will see it! and you both will be better off for this 'separation' to get things on track.

She will do fine!

then when you are next togther, all of the past is in the past, and a new relationship will be there.

She will do fine!

Much Love
Izzy

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Lupita

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Re: Home & heart
« Reply #9 on: August 14, 2010, 09:05:16 AM »
Dear Hopsy wopsy,

Fpr those who do the best they can, with what they have from where they are, thier ship will find them.

And I know that you are doing the best you can.

About the kids, I have learned by experience thatw e do not learn bye the experience of others. We have to trip on evry single rock on the road to be able to learn. Your D will eventually learn like we are learning. There is nothing we can do but pray for them.

God bless you so much!

Gaining Strength

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Re: Home & heart
« Reply #10 on: August 14, 2010, 02:58:57 PM »
Dear Hops,
My heart is heavy reading your post.  I am sorry this has been such a difficult year and I so wish your daughter would have a change of heart.  When I put myself in your shoes I feel such a weight and heaviness.

I am thankful that you are able to see all the love and support that exists in your life and I do hope that that will help lift the weight of your burdens.

Thnking of you - GS

Hopalong

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Re: Home & heart
« Reply #11 on: August 17, 2010, 12:34:29 PM »
Thank you all so much for all this kindness, what an amazingly loving outwelling of support.
Your thoughtfulness and caring--and perspicacity!--has really helped hold me up through the last few days.
Bless every one of you.

Sea storm--thanks for being one who floated love right back to me when I reached out for it. Thank you, it really helped. I'll keep on reminding myself that more love-surf keeps rolling into my life.

PR--thank you for these perfect words:
Quote
Take care of your heart and "home" will take care of itself.
The well-timed bear hug was spot on, too!

Sela--I poured my feelings into preparing her food box. Little treats in little bags, fresh cut vegs, fancy granola, cheese sandwiches with her favorite mustard and bread I baked last night, curried cashews, cans of V8, kombucha tea, fruit cups, cocoa-goji energy squares, and a bag of catnip for the kitties! And the notes--your thought reminded me that she absolutely craves real-mail, as in handwritten letters in the mailbox. So I'm going to write her weekly for a while. I know that will matter to her (as long as I keep things emotionally neutral, my homework).

TT-- agnostic or not, I really have seen over and over that I trust that praying for people does help them. I don't know why, but I am really grateful you would offer it. Please do. Thank you very much, good heart.

Deb, thank you--I love the idea of us both growing up again. That's true. We're certainly not either of us without fear...both of us trend toward anxiety and she's at the age where panic attacks are striking--it's also true that she's feeling the fear and doing it anyway. As am I. I loved it that you kept saying "fearless" anyway. I told her the other night I think she is brave. (As to her being able to come home again--I would honestly not say that now, not until/unless she grows kinder. But in my heart, she always has a home, for sure.)

CB--you are a voice of reason and an image of inspiration at the same time. Thank you for always reminding me I can create joy in any home I choose to. Seriously. Your vision, your sense of hearth, always eases my heart (and it's contagious!). I will let myself grieve over losing this house because I should let the feelings be what they are, but thanks to you, I will also have faith there can be much happiness in another. and I know it will come out all right. A place is just a place, until we put our hearts there. Faith is what you remind me about. Thank you.

M02--Refuge is the right word and little is a NICE one. Thank you. I send you the same....refuge, comfort, safety. You deserve refuge too and I hope it manifests soon and solidly. Keep me posted, please.

Izzy hon--What a fine and helpful mantra: She will do fine. And thank you too for the reminder that when we are next together, there will be a new relationship then. I agree. I don't think we'll just keep recycling one bad year. Neither of us could want that. Regardless, I'm going to practice boundaries and calm to help that cycle end.

Lupita, thank you. You're right, we really are all doing the best we can. Worrying and panicking really doesn't do anything but wear out my adrenals! I need to remember that.

GS--Yes, all this love and support is making an enormous difference. Yours, too, and thank you for it. It's definitely time for me to get back into my favorite state of mind, or at least the one that most reliably holds me up or helps me get BACK up. Gratitude. No matter how simple, a small moment can bloom in the heart and help me see love and beauty, free for the seeing. Much love and beauty back to you, wise fighter.
----------

She left this morning (well, I had to head for work while she was still loading). My friend came over early to help us carry down Ye Olde Python Tanke. From which poor ole snake was looking out as if to say, a new view? Okay! Been bored! I fixed up the cat carriers with padded newspapers covered with towels and put a little quilt square like a "pillow" in each one. It'll be a long hard yowling two days for D while she's driving, but they'll make it.

She flew down last weekend, truly panicking the night before over whether she could find a place, and promptly found one. A bit of a dump, but she can walk to the beach, she was relieved that they took her bad credit and all (she does have good rental references) -- and it appears that it will all come together. Now, she just has to find a job in 8 weeks before her money runs out! But...that's part of the adventure.

She was prickly and edgy as ever this morning, but as I left, she called me back and asked for a hug.

Please do pray for her as she travels.

Thanks again everyone, from full heart...

love,
Hops

"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Gaining Strength

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Re: Home & heart
« Reply #12 on: August 17, 2010, 01:58:53 PM »
Thinking of you Hops. (I'm glad for that hug she called you back for.)
And I will be praying for her as she travels.

Sela

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Re: Home & heart
« Reply #13 on: August 18, 2010, 09:56:51 PM »
Keeping you both in my prayers, Hops.

You are truly such a good and loving mother.  Please remind yourself of that.

Sela

Hopalong

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Re: Home & heart
« Reply #14 on: September 05, 2010, 02:58:11 PM »
Hi all, sorry I'm still being pretty useless here.

I'm going through the last rounds of "negotiation" with my brother on personal property. I've given up nearly everything and he's debating individual pieces. I gave up my grandmother's tea set -- kind of set me off. Now he's likely coming in 1 week with a truck. Last straw was his lawyer saying he wants to bring his new DIL also, to "see the house that's meant so much to the family." What family? The one he's destroyed?

My last communication from my D, other than one about a PO box, was her writing: "Frankly, the less I see or hear from you the better."

I take that as instructions from the universe and have no desire to contact her.

Been crying pretty often. A lot is about losing my home (and family and daughter) in the same couple years.

But it will end soon and I do believe that next chapter will come. I mostly have perspective, it's just wobbly at times.

Sending love and good thoughts to each of you in your journeys too--there are tough times and tough transitions far more acute than mine. I'm reading and caring.

love
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."