(Meeting nephews) /My N-mother and alcoholic brother and his kids

[sKePTiKal]

I heard a story you might be interested in; might help explain some of the "attitude" out there with the people you're interviewing with... etc.

BILaw manages a pretty big company. He's been trying to replace some temp workers with a f/t person, because they're in the process of making a deal to do some more work for another company - and they need a stable crew of workers. Decent pay, good benefits, training, advancement, etc. They have offered jobs to people, who hemmed & hawed, had to think about it... or wanted to dictate how many hours and which days they would work. Most were trying to just supplement their unemployment benefits - and wouldn't jeopardize that with full time work.

Some were older people who were trying to completely change fields - requiring training, apprenticeship, etc - before they would even get an income. They were turning down a firm job offer for long-term investment in a "maybe".

Really makes a person like me go "HUH?" and probably irritates someone like you more than you need to be irritated right now! But, I think you could use that bit of anecdote to your advantage; it's an important piece of info about what's going on "out there"... because these HR mgrs, interviewers, and owners who are hiring don't want to waste any more time trying to sift thru all the apps, calls, interviews only to make an offer to someone and have it rejected.

I don't know how much you want to reveal about yourself to potential employers, but there is one thing I think you could say very plainly, unequivacably without appearing desperate or without sacrificing any dignity: I want to work again. I am reliable, learn quickly, and will be an asset to your business. A lot. And mean it. And, though I normally wouldn't recommend this to anyone, anytime - times have changed and sometimes that calls for a different strategy:

Normally, there's this negotiation & getting to know you phase when interviewing. And the interviewee is usually trying to make a good impression while also evaluating the place of business and the people in it. (I suggest people do this because of some fraudulent experiences I've had during interviews; it has to be subtle.) Sort of aloof... you have to talk about yourself and be friendly... but everyone gets a little self-conscious or protective of themselves in these conversations... and everyone has things they'd rather not have their potential employer know about them during this phase. So one's emotions are generally pushed as far away from the interaction as possible...

... well, for you in your circumstances, I think a little emotion might be something that will help you get a foot in the door. I don't think it hurts to express (professionally) that you prefer to be working; busy; doing something and that unemployment scares you. I also don't think it hurts (these days) to also look at and express ways your past experience could be stretched or applied to something that was related to, but not the same that you did before. One more thing, and for you personally, this just might be the thing that lands you your next job:

You write very well*. This is not something that will probably show up on your resume or avg. application form. However, it IS a skill that is increasingly valuable out there in the real world and an advantage to you; an edge over the competition. Trust me, the level of writing skills these days is absolutely appalling. The way to make this known to an employer is to write a cover letter - and not the std "I'm interested in your open position"... business letter. The cover letter is where you can be creative, maybe you have an intuition about the employer's working environment and your writing can be the way that you prove you'll fit in... and it's the best way for some people (me included) to present a personal, "here's who I am and what I can do for you" offer. Even if it's not a required part of an application, send it anyway. And make sure you customize the letter to each employer - you are introducing you with it - and they have something you want; your attention to those kinds of details will make an impression.

I've seen a lot of letters where people created a form letter - and then forgot a couple places where they did a search/replace. Not good.

Then, I guess it matters what kinds of jobs you're applying for. Your last couple of posts lead me to believe that you have a real interest in healthy food (and the preparation of it). There might not be many jobs out there - advertised - in smaller cafes or health food stores. The best way to find those, is to be a regular and get to know the people already working there.

PS* - I forgot to say, that there a lot of jobs out there - not writing jobs, per se - where being able to write well (and proofread) is a needed skill. It may not even be listed in the "requirements" for the job, but you can figure out which ones that applies to.

[Hopalong]

Superb coaching from PR, and I hope you'll take it, MB!

Hops

[Meh]

Some people at the shelter have health coverage through DSHS (the ones who have children). Some people don't. I personally do not have health coverage and yesterday I discovered that I'm pissing blood, probably due to a kidney stone that I thought had gone away. I have the feeling that I can't easily take care of my basic needs right now and it's not something that boosts a persons self esteem.

Apparently one of the former residents of the shelter left a while ago and overdosed to the point of death, this news was upsetting to a couple of the people at the shelter who knew the deceased person so one woman at the shelter has been vomiting from the stress and grief.

It's an interesting place. Pretty bad but interesting.

I'm personally disgusted with the whole world. Just BECAUSE. I'm allowing myself to be.  

Yesterday I went to a community center with a job board and basic computer classes that are below my current skill level so not very useful to me. There was a woman working there who has a master's level degree in education who apparently is having a difficult time getting a good job also. She said that people in this community who can't get jobs end up working at a local meat factory butchering animals. Again it's interesting. BUT I don't want to butcher animals...um... there is just no explaining that on a resume.

So I had a dream last night for the first time in months about a woman who kept large dangerous wild felines for pets. She was unprotected against them and seemed oblivious to their ability to rip her limbs off at any second.

[Meh]

I'm not seeking advice. I have already been through resume/interview/career coaching and I don't write here on the "voiceless" website to get career coaching anyways. 

[Meh]

The woman who manages the homeless shelter told me about a community group that may help with bus passes. Transportation is considered a "critical need". I found the office of this agency on the other side of town, when I got there I was told that I needed to come back at another time when the person who processes this particular form was in the office. So..I went back another day to the other side of town where this office is. I was handed two forms of paper. One for the bus pass and one for release of PROTECTED HEALTH INFORMATION. I didn't fill out the protected health information form and handed both back to the front desk.
While I was handing the paperwork over I asked the woman "Why did you want me to fill out this form?...It's irrelevant for a bus pass?"..To this she answered "You don't have to fill that out, we don't offer any health services here in this office." AS if I was the person who procured this document of my own volition and was trying to give it to them?? Strange.

So I was given a piece of paper, not a bus pass. I went to the bus station where I was told to go by the people who gave me the voucher. The bus station attendants told me I must go to another bus station in the next town over. Of course I have to get on the bus to get that far-- and I don't have a bus pass...

The voucher is worth $20.00 of bus rides. The whole process of getting this completed has spanned over days. Not minutes or hours but days.

Of course if I was employed I could simply hand the money to a bus driver and buy a pass that way.

My relatives appear to be insinuating that I'm lazy now that I am homeless.

I have seen some volunteer opportunities recently that could potentially aid me in getting jobs or becoming connected in certain circles of people.
Of course thinking about volunteering when one is homeless is ...well....hard to describe this feeling. I mean it takes all my energy and time just to figure out how to get a $20.00 bus pass that is still not in my possesion. And....since I'm sitting here writing and trying to look up a map of the bus station and pharmacy that I have never been to before...I have missed the soup kitchen "lunch time"...so not only will I have to figure out something else to eat...I will be admonished for not eatting at the community soup kitchen by the woman who runs the shelter.

Excuse me....I need to go pee some blood right now... (Sarcastic)

Of course I could send this all to the the City Mayor in a letter...and then I would probably be picked up and dropped off in the middle of nowhere in another town. I can see the ugly cringe on the Mayor's face and then the stifling response...

Again, I'm writing, not seeking advice.

I think I understand why some people are driven to overdose. Luckily or not for me I have never been a drug user.

Frankly, I think the woman who is the head of the shelter should be able to give out bus vouchers to people.
She is getting paid, she does have a car, she is not a volunteer and she doesn't appear to be doing this job out of the kindness of her heart. I do wonder why she doesn't have a system to occasionally drive down to the bus station and obtain the bus passes for the residents who need them. Of course...homeless "people are suppose to take responsibility for their own lives and if they did they wouldn't be homeless"...

So the new age author was trying to tell me that "Fear" is the main problem that people have--that the solution is simply generating more love. I told him that I think FEAR is a response related to self preservation and that LOVE is related to continuation of the species and again part of self preservation. I said FEAR and LOVE are both about survival and two sides of the same coin. He didn't like my response, because I wasn't confirming his philosophy. I have tried the new age thing, I was serious about it for years, I fasted, I did yoga, I did the marial arts, I meditated, I brain washed myself with all sorts of positive thoughts. Now I fill up my time with basic minutia, food, finding shoe polish, getting from A to B.

My transportation issues have nothing to do with fear and love...or maybe they do.
My safety issues have nothing to to with fear and love...or maybe..
My job issues have nothing to do with fear and love...


So now I'm just staring at the fire department man out the window who is checking oil in an ambulance. I kind of think, if I was the right age, and had the right hair color and the right quantity of beauty, I could just walk over to that fireman dude and make a new "friend".

I'm not very motivated to get that stupid bus pass anymore but I have to take all the little action steps anyways to prove that I'm MOTIVATED.

I didn't go into that homeless shelter with headlice, but if I discover that I have them after using those unlaundered blankets that are all piled up together..then I will be told that I introduced it into the shelter. So if my head itches, I better just twiddle my thumbs in my lap.

My discouragement is not some kind of fantasy in my mind or laziness. I have a bad life. Period.

Another woman in the homeless shelter told me that a woman at her church offered to purchase undergarments for her...and then I heard her describe how shameful this idea was to the homeless woman...that she didn't even have the resources to buy herself some underwear. The homeless woman told the church lady "NO" to the CHARITY UNDERWEAR.

I have a reputation for being condescending in the shelter now due to the fact that I asked them what their policy was about accepting used underwear after I saw a thong in a donation box. They told me that I shouldn't be judgemental that some people don't have anything. And I said: "But used underwear?".....  It just seems that since it's mixed in with the other clothes it could be a..um how do I say it...another area of contamination of a certain variety of pestilence.

[Meh]

My Nar-mother contacted me and asked me if I was ok. I told her that I was not ok. She became annoyed at me for saying that I am not ok. Apparently there is only one correct answer for her.

I compare my personal problems to the other people in the shelter and I think that possibly I have been minimizing my own circumstances..well I at least don't talk to people about certain things. I haven't even described my whole story here.

I'm not part of a gang or in rehab or any such thing. I don't go to the same support groups that the women in the shelter go to.
They go to AA meetings and DV meetings.

I have my own little category. It's just me with my problem. How could I not develop a bad attitude and become "bitter" with this sort of social isolation. It's like I can see my life unfold and there is nothing I can do about it. A person might say that the women in this shelter are making bad decisions...and I have really thought about that a lot trying to pin point the bad decisions I made. The irresponsibility and I can't find them..I think that my decisions have been logical responses to events in a very imperfect world.

Latest person in the shelter is the wife of an drug dealer and she thinks the whole gang is going to come after her and her family.

I haven't married a drug dealer! Why am I here?

[Meh]

Today, I feel very depleted emotionally and physically. The place where I sleep and shower and try to take care of the basic necessities is not a soothing place to be. One of the people who has been entrusted with certain management responsibilities at the place is a homeless mother out of rehab who yells at her kid almost constantly and is very disrespectful verbally to the other people who have to stay there. She made a character judgement about me after I helped out another person in the shelter- she said within my hearing range but not to me directly that I had helped the other person for selfish reasons. I know it's petty and I know I can't expect these people to be tactful in anyway but I really don't need the added stress AND I have always been someone who is stressed out by this sort of thing. It's very tense as in: "walking on eggshells" Not a pleasant environment.

I waited for an appointment to speak with the head person there about my personal situation and it turns out she didn't write the appointment down on her calender and instead of making time to speak with me she told me she didn't have time- while she was doing nothing but sitting and chain smoking. I wrote the time and date down in my own notebook so I waited and waited for nothing to happen. It was noon before I even got out of the place.

I'm just very depleted, some days I don't feel this down but I'm tired and I wasted half the day away doing nothing.
The people who are in charge of running this place don't have degrees in social work, I think they are just doing it because they can't find better work or something. I don't know.

The people who stay at the shelter are obligated to do chores, it's a good idea but the chores can't be started before 8:30 AM and have to be completed before 10:00. It means that I can't get out of the place and on the bus first thing in the morning. By the time I get out of there I have already had to endure some woman screaming at her kids and threatening that they will have to go to a foster home. I already have to listen to the newest person there talk about relapsing drug problems, and I quickly make an excuse "got to find my jacket" and walk away because I don't have the energy to "make acquaintace" with any of these people any more.

I attended some free workshops about interviewing strategies and such, this made me remember that the interactions and behaviors and communication required at an interview and professional environment are on a very different level then what I am surrounded by in my environment. Basically nothing about my life is good for my self esteem right now and I'm being coached to ACT like I have good self-esteem.
I'm EXHAUSTED!!!!!!

There is a old hippy looking man next to me in this cafe with a rectangular protester sign that simply says PEACE in big black lettering. I'm sitting here and all I can think is that it's simplistic. I don't know what the solution is.

If I ran the homeless shelter, I would make use of talented interns who are going through bachelors or masters level training in something related to psychology or social work or a related discipline to spend some time at the shelter observing and behaving as witnesses and acting as role models.
I would advocate for healthier meals and more respectful treatment of the people who are there at the shelter. I would post more information on the walls about proper hygiene. I would put bottles of hand sanitizer in every room. I would post guidelines for people's behavior. I would indicate that there is only one room for socializing and the rest of the areas for people's chores and personal activities. I would use some of the funding they have to make sure that the chairs are all vinyl instead of the upholstery that is absolutely soiled. There is no point of having clean clothes when I have to sit on a chair with 30 greasy stains on it.



 

  

[sKePTiKal]

I would advocate for healthier meals and more respectful treatment of the people who are there at the shelter. I would post more information on the walls about proper hygiene. I would put bottles of hand sanitizer in every room. I would post guidelines for people's behavior. I would indicate that there is only one room for socializing and the rest of the areas for people's chores and personal activities. I would use some of the funding they have to make sure that the chairs are all vinyl instead of the upholstery that is absolutely soiled. There is no point of having clean clothes when I have to sit on a chair with 30 greasy stains on it.

These are great, common sense suggestions that uphold the idea that each person is a human being and should be afforded some basic dignity and privacy. Which of course, suggests to me, that you don't need "self-esteem" classes. I suspect the above is a statement of what you want and need, isn't it?

I have agonized over what it is I want to say - beyond that I am here; I am listening; I care. I fear I will offend you in some way and instead of just telling me to P--- off, like my D's do (and I allow them to do), you'll just withdraw and accept your situation as being beyond your ability to change. You can tell me to P--- off too, and I'll still care about you. I won't go away. Despite how difficult, exhausting, demanding, and unfair your situation is right now, I don't believe it's beyond your ability to change it.

I don't know how long it will be before the universe offers you a break; before you get lucky and the gods of employment will smile benificently on you. You are doing the "right" things; playing by the "rules"... and you're a good, likeable, fun person (tho' maybe you don't feel that way right now; I can understand that)... on top of it. It just doesn't make sense, given what I know about you (granted; it's an online knowing). Maybe someone changed the "rules" and forgot to tell us...

... or maybe there's a parallel universe where you have to play by different rules and fight, demand, claw, struggle and then defend what it is you want and need. Maybe in this other universe, there's a Darwinian struggle where the "spoils" go to those who fight for them - and win. And where "being liked" or being a "good person" isn't nearly as important as being able to keep getting over the next obstacle... and the next... and being strong enough to jump as high as you're asked to jump by some demonic cruel "keeper of the spoils".

I honestly don't know.

I simply couldn't become part of the "system" of assistance when it was my turn; it's a long story but I said screw it, I'll find another way to survive and I did. It wasn't pretty; I still gave up some self-respect and independence; I still have some regrets about that decision. But I decided to cash in all my chips and bet on myself, instead of trusting that the system would work as advertised and be fair ('coz it sure didn't look like it was, to me) - and I'll never regret that.

I know I could not possibly follow the path you're on, MB. The conditions, the circumstances, the lack of privacy...... I do not have the patience or forbearance to tolerate them. I am in awe of your ability to keep on going and remain so together under these kinds of conditions. And if anyone can tame the system and make it live up to it's promises of REAL help - it's gonna be you.

Get some rest. Walk in the sun. You go, girl!

[Meh]

On the way out of the shelter today, another woman stopped me and asked me what I meant when I said "I just live moment by moment". She is reading some sort of new-age Ekhart type book. I told her that I hadn't meant anything spiritual and that I'm not an ascended master- I told her it's related to living a life full of instability, unpredictability and having the need to improvise at any moment- it's just crisis living.

I had lunch with my mother today mainly because she gave me $35.00 and I got a meal out of it- if I must be honest about my motivations. She was very impatient, she couldn't just sit back and relax at the restaraunt that she had picked out. On the drive back I asked her to stop the car at a flower/vegetable farm where I got out and walked between rows of zinnias, more then I think I have ever seen before and burgundy amaranth, culinary herbs, sunflowers. I just stood on the farm for a minute between the rows and watched flocks of birds fly from row to row. I spoke with the woman who owns the property while she was bunching together some purple statice and scabiosa, she was friendly.

My mother told me that she read somewhere about people who grew up in foster homes as children are 50% more likely to end up in a homeless shelter in their lifetimes then people who did not grow up in a foster home. So I wonder if the emotional/social toll of having Nar-parents is as significant as being in the foster-parent system or having a substance abuse problem.

Late last night one of the women who sleeps in the same room that I'm in had a seizure, her cousin said she thought it was a grand-mal seizure due to her perception of how long the seizure lasted. I awoke to see her having spasms in the dark room on her cot. Paramedics were called, I peered down from my sleeping area at the paramedics and was grateful that I had been sleeping fully clothed in my jeans complete with belt. I had considered stripping down to my underwear before I fell asleep because it was warm.
I didn't do anything except for talk to her when she woke up because I think she was a little put off from the all-male paramedic crew. The paramedics didn't really do anything for her, she ended up going to the hospital for observation with her cousin and was realeased back to the shelter this morning. It's only the second time I have seen a person have a seizure, it was rather unsettling and I couldn't go back to sleep right away so I sat cross-leg in the dark on top of the cot, I couldn't even make a cup of tea. She also has pneumonia.

What I have heard from nurses is to make sure the person having the seizure is not in the middle of the road in harms way or hurting themselves but beyond that to let the person go through the seizure without interfering- that most seizures are not dangerous. So before the paramedics had arrived, the cousin had left the room, the others were asleep and I laid there in my cot and watcher her helplessly as the sole witness for a stretch of time- just watching her shake in the dark. She turned out to be "ok".



 

[Meh]

Told narcissistic mother I need to go through some boxes of paperwork to find some critically needed documents. My paperwork was once orderly but isn't now. I told her I need her to help me get to the place where my paperwork is stored and that I needed help disposing of the things that are confidential waste.

I knew it was going to be a problem but I have to attempt it anyways. So I meet her, we go to the place and after 5-10 minutes of me looking she is telling me that I'm taking too long and that I need to find it in 20 minutes. I knew that I wouldn't be able to find it easily and I told her that it was going to take me a while to complete the task prior to going there but she doesn't listen. I suggested that we just go and put all the boxes of paperwork in her car and she just drop me off somewhere that I can sit down and work on getting together the stuff I need and throw away the rest.

I didn't find the stuff I needed because I didn't have the time to do it with her impatiently there and arguing with me the whole time. So we both just wasted time and effort.  

[lighter]

Muffinbuster:

I've been terribly preoccupied these past months.

If you don't mind, could you please tell me more about yourself?   (If not, that's OK too.)

What kind of job would you like to have?  What job do you feel would bring you joy?

What part of the country (general) do you hail from?

Are you high energy extroverted?  Introverted?  Do you like to be outdoors, are you active, do you read a lot?

Do you like animals?  Are you right brain creative?  How are your organizational skills? 

Do you like kids? 

What's your educational background?  Were you happy with the last job you had?

Where do you see yourself in 6 months, a year, 5 years?

Are you attached to the State you're in? 

Would you be better off if you got a fresh start someplace far away from your family, in your opinion?
 
When I read your posts, you come accross as intelligent, level headed, but struggling to reconcile the crazy behavior of others.

I'm praying something positive happens for you very soon, Muffinbuster.

No hard feelings if you don't feel like sharing.  I realize you're overwhelmed. 

Lighter/Mo2

[Meh]

I found the things I needed from my boxes of paperwork finally.
Applied for a very low paying job in an art studio as well as a job in a collections office. Etc. Etc.
Newest woman at the shelter is stereotypically beat up by her boyfriend. Black eye and broken arm. The girl who swallowed the battery is gone. I'm coming down with some sort of respiratory malady despite the fact that I wash my hands religiously.
The shelter where I am staying took my foodstamps from me as a "payment" and bought 6 cans of coffee and sugar etc. with the money-they didn't purchase any real food like oranges, apples, bananas. The woman who is paid to manage the place just wants to make sure there is a pot of coffee there for her to drink. Since she is paid to work there I would like her to bring her own coffee and use the foodstamps that are taken from people to purchase nutritious food. Oh, well.

In the morning there is a heard of overweight women all crowded onto a picnic table outside of the shelter all smoking and wasting time, they look like a bunch of seals huddled on a rock in the middle of the ocean.

[Meh]

I hate my mother. AND I wish I had a family and friends and a support network. My mother's lastest betrayal just pisses me off.

When is this episode of my life going to be over?
 

[Meh]

My Nar-mother has done things after I have asked her not to do them, we have had discussions about it and then eventually she does the stuff I don't want her to do anyways despite the fact that I thought we talked and had concensus and she seemed to be shaking her head but still being weird and bitc*-y defensive about it.

My Nar-mother has this "act", I'm going to call it an act because I can't believe she could be that stupid. Or it is another power trip, we discus, and she says she wont do something then does it anyways before even talking to me about it. She comes up with a new reason for doing it as if it's rational. She also acts like she is dimwitted. I just don't believe she is as dumb as she pretends to be.

Since I am homeless my nar-mother has taken it upon herself to meddle in some of my personal business that she has no right to do. And then it will give her a reason to b*tch and complain to me because now she is just "trying to help, or trying to do me a favor"?

Mothering is a blood-sport for Nars.

Validating blog:

http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2008/04/narcissist-mothers-suck.html

[Meh]

There is an office that is adjacent to the homeless shelter building. I have seen through the window of the homeless shelter into the office where the head woman who "runs" the place sits and I saw her playing electronic card games on her computer.
Well, This morning, I awoke to people all agitated and talking louder then normal in the shelter, when I finally got up and onto the main floor I was told that someone broke into the office of the shelter and stole the electronic equipment (computer) and maybe other things I don't know.

I think it's pretty darn pathetic that someone would steal from the office of a charity organization. BUT I also think it's pretty sad that the person being employed to run the place spends her time playing computer games and doesn't have the sense to close the blinds of the windows at night or take other security measures to prevent people from breaking into the office that is funded by donations.

I walked away from the shelter as fast as I could this morning it's going to be fat-ass-chain-smoking-white-trash-menopausal-BAD-moods-all- day long. As IF I have nothing else to do but become enveloped in the drama that happens within the shelter.

I'm considering going to a different shelter somewhere else, in another city and not telling any of my relatives where I am.

It's difficult, at least when a person leaves a spouse that is abusive there are victim advocates and people who are trained to support DV victims etc. etc. But there is nothing for someone like me who has experienced complete neglect and verbal abuse from my family.

People leave abusive men and go to their relatives or friends for support. I DONT HAVE ANYONE.

-----On a totally different note: One of the women in the shelter who I thought was "normal" at first has left and after talking to other people in the shelter about the things she said about her life, we think she must have been sort of delusional or schizophrenic or has a very very strange life. Some people have strange lives but one woman in the shelter pointed out: "nobody's life is THAT weird". She tried to convince me to go to the desert with her where she said she was going to get a job because "she didn't want to be there by herself". Strange woman. I said NO way I am not going to the desert without a car, without a job and with someone I just met in a homeless shelter. Well I thought she was just a little screwy. BUT someone in the shelter told me that she believes she is being stalked by Chuck Norris??

The shelter is a world unto itself and I feel my energy being taken up by that place, it's a confusing place to be, and it's hard to ignore the other people there. I tried to lay on the cot and read a book last night at 7PM but the woman who has a chain of suspicious deaths associated with her talked to me non-stop while I had the book in my hands for over an hour. No I couldn't even read a darn book.  

Being in a homeless shelter is one of the more interesting experiencing I have ever had in my life. BUT I don't want to catch an illness. I wouldn't necessarily regret being in homeless shelters but I do worry about the gaps on my resume, I worry about how to rebuild a life. It's not the life I want.
I worry about the good things in life that I am missing out on because I am required to do their baby-puke laundry over at the men's section that has the industrial washing machines that are broken so it takes 6 hours to do 2 loads of wash in the laundry room where there are stray body-hairs of homeless men that haven't been cleaned off of the counter. Just dip me in a skin of latex, I don't want to touch or breathe or smell this place.

I will try another place.

But what am I suppose to do to develop a "social network" if I cut my relatives completely out of my life?
I get some FALSE sense of security by having my relatives in my life.
I'm not married, I'm not a social butterfly, I'm not into church. All the l@me suggestions that people come up with? Join this, join that. Really? I've been a part of groups before, sports etc. and my acquaintances last for a few years maybe but could I even tell them if I'm having problems in my life..NO..because I would all of a sudden become an undesirable friend.

I see people every single day with other people, not alone. I don't understand why I am so f@cking alone.

I have never ever met any person who chose to be alone because it's STUPID and it's HARD.