(Meeting nephews) /My N-mother and alcoholic brother and his kids

[Meh]

Maybe it would be mature of me to come to terms with the fact that deep down somewhere my mother HATES me.
After all I hate her.
Maybe it's just a long, slow, sad and alone process of coming to terms.
Can I vent? Can I allow myself to say that my mother is a rotten P.O.S. ?    It feels good saying it.

Now that I'm in a homeless shelter and in a bad situation --it's my Nar-mother's big opportunity to screw with me as much as she likes?
My nar-mother has a belief about herself and I guess I have given in to the charade. I don't have to confirm for her anything.
Someday I am going to be the biggest B@tch my mother ever met. But you know what I have to have a job because it all comes down to power and resources.

Last night I listened to the woman with the black eye get on a borrowed phone and talk to the man who beat her up.
I recognized the conversation that goes nowhere. It must be a universal conversation that people all over the world who are in abusive relationships have had. There is some sort of feeling during the conversation a feeling that some goal is going to be attained, something is going to be righted or resolved, some rewarding thing is going to happen. But it never ever ever ever does. Things get better for a little while but inevitably things are bad again. My mother has never punched me and given me a black eye but she did cause me health problems when I was a child.
I don't think of the relationship that I have with my mother as being the same as the woman who has the black eye at the shelter BUT I absolutely recognize the conversation she has it's the same I have with my mother. I think I have to realize that my personal issues are just as bad as the other people who are in the shelter. I'm not somehow better then them or less messed up then the other people there.

So, here I am thinking and writing about my mother but I need to focus on something else.

I'm going to get the address of other shelters to possibly stay in- in case there is a different area that is better for me, farther away from relatives and closer to more jobs.

[Meh]

Yesterday I planned out what I would do today, I got a memory thingy flash drive at the library and saved my cover letter and resume onto it. Then I planned to get on a bus to go to another city a distance away to drop off my resume at an office, look at the art studio where I applied at even though is seems they didn't respond to my application, stop in at a staffing agency and look at the area where the shelter is at in that city in case I want to go to a different shelter.

So it looks like my grand plan to get out of the homeless shelter may be to go to another homeless shelter.

I'm drinking coffee trying to wake up and I have yet to take a shower, my neck and back are stiff and sore. I listened once again to the woman sharing the room with me ramble on and on and on into the night about her farting habits. I finally had to tell her to be quiet. I've decided that I don't especially like this woman but I pretend to be friendly.

I was going to get dressed up, but I've decided that it's too much work to get dressed up in a homeless shelter only to get on a bus, wander around in a city that I don't know then to drop off the resume that probably wont be considered. God I need to talk with someone- this is beyond the point of being idiotic. 

I have a few more minutes at my coffee and then I have to go clean the shelter before I can get ready to leave on the bus.

Now that I'm in a homeless shelter my mother is behaving as weird as she can possibly be and she is apparently taking counsel from my alcoholic-drug addicted-on-disability brother on how to "handle the situation".

I'm sure my mother is soliciting all sorts of sympathy for HER and what SHE is going through. Oh-poor-name here- she has so much trouble.
And my aunt (her sister) who is a school teacher and should have an smidgen of intelligence is right along with her, oh poor Nar-mother.

[Meh]

Briefly today I am tired, it may be a day of not doing very much, will attempt to take a nap.

Went for an aimless walk trying to discover a nicer place to walk, smelled a field of grass and watched the little strings of spiders on the tips of long grasses. Did I mention tired. Sat on a dirt road in the shade and looked at the rocks on the ground the varying jagged gray shapes between long pine needles. Thinking to myself trying to figure something out in my head but probably nothing will come of that. Only need to get some sort of action going by doing and not figuring out the puzzle of rebuilding a life.

Walked back. Listened to a woman's problems of going through a divorce and wish the people with problems could sum it up out of courtesy for me so I don't have to hear the long version. But no just listened because I was just waiting to take a nap.

And now...going to try for the nap. And suspecting the newest person at the shelter. And abnormal is becoming normal.

[Meh]

Again the tired is being chased by 4 cups of coffee. I'm not sure that I have much to say. I'm procrastinating possibly because my little efforts don't really seem to add up to much. I don't think it is complete ineptness because, really there have been times when my efforts add up to something and I wasn't working harder at it.

I'm telling myself that I need to just DO STUFF and not think about the over all plan or how its going to work out strategically.

So last night, I was requesting advice but none was given from the beaten meth recovering woman. I know that "these people" are in no position to give advice. She knows that too so rather she just told me her experience with the truth and the untruth.

In interviews and on job applications I have not been telling people how I am living- I haven't attempted just telling the truth to people because I know a whole bunch of judgements or pity, disapproval, speculation or something will be in their minds. Yet, I was asking my "room-mate" what she thought about me just telling people why I need the job. That I need the job to become un-homeless etc.

There are services for people's critical needs if one is lucky such as food and shelter but some city's don't even have enough beds for every person. There are clothes that are used and are fine for not being naked but not good for looking "one's best".
Transportation can be a challenge for women at the homeless shelter and communications also if one can't afford to keep up the phone bill. Some people have "advocates" that don't help. Heaven forbid one of these women get emotional and frustrated, they may be kicked out of the shelter.
Anyways, I think there needs to be more programs with employers to help people get their foot in the door even if the person doesn't have a permanent address etc. But of course why would an employer hire people like that if there are 200 or more applications for every job posting.

I guess some sort of familiarity with these people is sinking in with me and their oddness or problems just don't seem far off from other people's problems and I don't understand exactly why these people are so down low. OR why they are viewed as so down low.
I know that some people grow up with positive goals instilled in them and those positive goals of being successful and looking good are gauged by not being a homeless person and then there also seems to be some ignorance in there. On the other hand I don't see these people at their worst because a shelter is a communal situation and that controls their behavior to a degree.

I really need to do something fun.

Well, I think I have decided that if I ever get another job interview I am going to attempt to explain truthfully how much I need a job right now.
I know it goes against every single piece of interview advice I have ever heard.

But then at least I wont be a liar, instead they will be stewing with their judgements and if they literally frown and scowl at me I guess I can just read ignorance into it. I want a chocolate brownie and I want to go hiking- I can't really make that happen right now. I want to make something like socks.

[Meh]

Last Wednesday I wasn't feeling well when I was on the bus to get to another city where I dropped off a resume. I think it was viral flu type symptoms I was fighting off--although it could be related to stress and anxiety or hygiene in the soup kitchen. So on Thursday I allowed myself to just take a nap and I really needed it I was so tired. Then after Thursday I stopped searching so vigorously for jobs with the same amount of energy. I don't want to say that I am becoming depressed again necessarily, it's just that after I was feeling ill then the whole effect of emotional exhaustion and discouragement got to me. OR maybe it was just the virus.

I feel ok right now though, my hair is washed and I'm dressed and sitting with my pen and paper at a desk in a library and I only wish I had more time now that I am finally sitting down to plan my week starting Monday. I like this feeling of ordinary and clean.

Yesterday, a church made dinner at the soup kitchen, it wasn't exactly a fancy meal, it was just some sort of casserole but I really appreciated it. They made some kind of yellow cake that was tasty. Seriously eatting that dinner was the only thing I was looking forward to all day. The church women wrapped up some utensils in napkins- that's not the norm there so it felt civilized for once.  

I have had it pointed out to me that I am a "quiet" one at the shelter but who knows what mouth that originated from, it may be from one of the people that I really don't want to speak with.

I hope next week something new comes up for me.

Today, at the shelter there was an issue in one of the restrooms with one of the women and I am not even going to elaborate. I just left and went for a walk by the river that also happens to be next to a busy road so it's not exactly as quiet and peaceful as I would like it to be. The muddy riverbank almost suctioned my shoes right off of my feet as I walked a distance away from fisherman who were catching nothing. I just looked at the ripple marks in the sand and the colors, shapes and textures of the stones like a child would do. Maybe I am so tired of planning and trying to DO something.

There is a young couple at the shelter who are traveling, they seem pretty sweet, they are hitchhiking around the country looking for a place to "settle down" interestingly enough and she is only 21.

I had to tell a homeless guy with a pitbull to move his dog today and I was a little surprised at how acquiescent he was. 

[Meh]

I come here to write like this is some safe repository for my feelings or thoughts. Today I don't feel like I have much to put here though. Mainly I think I'm fed-up and disgusted or discouraged. I'm sorry to admit this but today and for the last couple of days I just don't feel motivated. I'm getting tired of trying.

Thats all I have to say right now.