Hobug

[Hopalong]

I think I do this every year. I'd like to do it more simply this time:

I hate the holidays.
I begin to feel the dread around freaking September.
Nuclear family shouts of joy reverberate in the very air.
I know people are just being happy. I find myself resenting them, seeing them as smug. They're not! I'm just jealous.
There's no relief until January.
When I'm in a very good frame of mind I re-claim it in a small way: reminding myself what I care about is peace on earth, one candle lit, and sacred music--and I really enjoy how people are unusually nice to each other in December.

When I'm struggling (as this year), I feel waves of lonely anguish that nearly stop me in my tracks.
I just sit with it, mostly. Nothing else to do.

I have no family. I do have a child but she has made a (sharp) point of boycotting all the traditional holidays for many years. I used to make a celebration (decorations, outings, etc.) for my mother.

Now...all gone. No parents, Nbrother thank-god-NC but my only sibling, no extended family, my old-man friend dead last year (when I could take him to things it felt better), and I found out during her year with me that my D hates me. (Maybe she won't, years from now. I know that's possible.)

I do fine, eventually, and will this year also. The church usually has a Tgiving potluck but not this year, so I invited a stray galpal and we enjoyed nice food and part of a movie (turned it off since it was lousy). But after a couple hours it felt awkward so we wrapped up early.

I'm going to line up a volunteer thing for Xmas. I think I'll volunteer to walk dogs at the SPCA twice that day. THEY don't care what the calendar says.

Otherwise, bleahh. I am normally so depleted by my job that I lack the energy for volunteering, and volunteering is exactly the cure for what ails me.

I am very certain of that, that altruism is the answer...getting my focus off myself. So, just having written all this, I am feeling better. I sat and held hands with an old lady at church today, fetched coffee for an old man stuck on a walker-seat thing so he couldn't fetch his own. She told me she loves me and he called me beautiful.

I hate it but sometimes I think I'm called to love the very old. It is so easy to touch and love and comfort them and their loneliness is way worse than mine. The reason I hate it is it's so sad and I am afraid of how I'll be then myself.

Typical VSMB experience. I come to the Board sometimes with a ball of pain and within a few minutes, just having told it, said it, described it, it has softened some.

So thank you. I'm grateful to be able to post. I have so much to be grateful for and am annoyed with myself that I'm feeling self-pity.

I'll work on it!

xo
Hops

[CB123]

There's nothing to "work" on, dear heart.

It just is. 

It's called grief and you are entitled to it, like anyone else.  You are also entitled to more than grief...do you believe that? 

I love your idea about taking care of the animals on Christmas day.  But what if you dressed up in something red and sexy and gorgeous (and you ARE gorgeous--I have seen you!) and did that beautiful silver hair up in a very glamorous way...and wear red shoes and took yourself to a very nice place for a deeply sensual dinner and a glass of wine?

Not for anyone else, but just YOU.  I know that you think that's a very lonely prospect...and perhaps from this side of the event, it is.  But I have done it myself, and I can tell you: it is wonderful, glorious and you really will change because of it.  You will not just feel better, you will be different.  Because you deserve that bit of beauty and sensuality. 

Love you, dear Hops.  There are many, many more adventures for you ahead.

CB

[Izzy_*now*]

hI Hops

I, too 'hate' the holidays, ANY holiday. Well I ignore them and just dislike that the stores might be closed.

My physical therapist is traditional and I expect she will bring me a fine little gift that will suit me to a "T", as she has that ability.

I don't, and I will just write her a Christmas bonus cheque and leave it at that, as she is definitely worth a bonus! and will be with me for a long while, with already 13½ months under her belt here!

She brought me a Thanksgiving dinner plate, which was delicious, and no doubt a Christmas dinner plate is in the picture. She says she doen't expect gifts, as she is paid to come to her people.

humbug
izzy

[sKePTiKal]

Sometimes we need before we can give... and we're allow you know. It doesn't have to be a big to-do, either. Sometimes it's just the smallest little interaction that can set free that wish to "make merry" and to spread it all around. Sometimes, it takes more than that. I keep eyes & ears open for opportunity... it can't be forced, tho.

The whole thing about holidays reminds me of the conversation I was having with Bones today, about "rules". Whether we accept it or not; whether we're aware of it or not... we've had the ideas about the "rules" for what consititutes a "happy holiday" drummed into our brains and expectations. Sometimes the rules just don't make sense. For years, and through good times and bad... I've felt BAH HUMBUG about these holiday rules. It's like saying the only beautiful women are those whose body weight is 10% less than average and height 10% above average. BULL you know what. And yeah - I feel this way about my own family's holiday "traditions", too. The implied message is that you do "x, y & z" every year.... or you're not "celebrating" and you're a party-pooper or worse.

Holidays are the ideal time to reinvent "tradition"... to effectively break the rules and throw out convention and ostentation and just enjoy ourselves and other people.

Even though we have two memorial services for MIL this upcoming month - we are decorating, shopping and having "fun" with Christmas. No matter what one's religious affiliation - this is the renewal time of year. A time to wipe the slate clean and start over - even if that's "again". A time when light returns to chase away darkness. That doesn't have any rules, does it? The most difficult thing I'm dealing with at this time of the year, is the expectation that I'm going to be sad about losing MIL. I'm so much more happy that we had her for as long as we did... than I am sad at missing her now. She wouldn't want to be the reason for sadness. MIL was master of fun ceremonies and so loved to be surrounded by happy, chaotic family enjoying themselves. She would be most perturbed if we were all weepy and helpless and not thinking of caring for each other and enjoying life.

So, I'm feeling "immune" to the "perfect holiday" icons that are being force-fed to us all the time. There have been years when my ideal holiday celebration was simply visiting my favorite grove of pine and oak trees, newly frosted in a swath of snow. All by myself. Way more important to me than any of the other images and messages being pushed onto us... with the expectation that we'd better measure up - OR ELSE!! Or else what??!

You mean I might not be accepted into the Martha Stewart hostess hall of fame???

How will I EVER go on???!

ROTHFLMAO.....

[Hopalong]

Thank you, CB, for the vision of me being sensual and feminine.
I accidentally got a "glamour shot" this year that was a surprise and you're right, I could do that.
I need to let my inner beagle take a nap and access my inner Afghan.
An updo is a good idea, I should make the most of this mane!
Now to figure out which establishment the lonely geezers hang out in.

One thing that makes me snort is the thought that, well, if a nice gentleman asked me what I wanted, I'd just say: I would like a husband. A kind one who makes me laugh. And isn't alcoholic. I do tend to startle people sometimes by saying just what I think. A nice thing happened in church a few weeks ago. A handsome older gentleman (former congressman) was standing in the aisle and for some reason, he said something about holidays, and I said, I hate them, and he said why, and I just said the truth, well I have no family with me and I feel the pressure to pretend, and he said, yes it's very hard for lonely people, I have that problem too, and I said, well we can commiserate, and then he was gone. I'm sure I'll see him again. (Rumor had it he was briefly engaged to another woman in our church...all I know about her is she'd had an astonishing facelift! But I'd bet anybody who befriended him now would be mightily scrutinized by his protective family.)

Izzy, I've been thinking about you...still my hero for all you endure and with mind intact and spirit strong. If I could brave Canada I'd come bring you a mug of the finest Southern brew to keep your spark going against the cold. Thank you for sending some of your strength. And thank you for hanging in here. I care about you and I want to know more how you're coping. I'm so glad for your fine PT who is pragmatic and kind, both.

PR, it's the "we" I miss. I wouldn't much care what I did with anybody, it would be just having somebody (with whom I'd no doubt complain about having to "do" anything!). But thanks especially for the reminder about the grove of trees. Yes yes yes. That IS it. All it is.

I think this year being kind of immersed in MTR and doing that witness trip and writing a sermon about it and seeing us merrily devour the planet and be cruel to animals, I (temporarily) lost the joy of nature. I need to remember that nature will have its wisdom and its results no matter what humans do...

I feel much better right now for the simple reason that I went for a longer walk than usual. When I am lonely I have to fight like hell to unplug myself from my womb-room and do it, but being off this week, I was determined to go every day whether I wanted to or not. And I always, always, feel MUCH better when I get back.

Thank you, my friends. And anybody who has any holiday-blues issues at all is most welcome to vent them here!

love,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Hops, I hate the holidays too.  I would love to sleep right through November and December, and just have someone wake me up about a week into January.  People keep asking me what I'm doing for the holiday.  Mostly I will be avoiding people   I hate being expected to spend money that I don't have, being expected to do loads of extra work, being expected to haul myself around the country visiting people and being expected to eat a shed load of food that I don't like and will then be expected to diet in the New Year to get rid of the extra weight gained by eating the extra food that I didn't want to eat in the first place.  What a crock.  Although I have to say I've cheered myself up by being so grumpy about it

[Hopalong]

Grump away, Tupp...complaining welcome!

And thanks for adding a few things I also find frustrating--the money/cooking/eating pressures that just mount up around one during this time.

I hear you!

xo
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Ya know what? I got distracted by a phone call (more sympathy stuff) when I was starting that last post Hops, all.

CB's picture of a drop-dead elegant, self-contained and kindly Hops treating herself to a "present" is what I wanted to respond to. Do you have a red dress, Hops? Can you indulge in a bit of playful fantasy? I'm hearing that you really want a playmate... someone to kinda push you out of your comfort zone cocoon and do something different - and fun.

Anyway - red dresses have a bit o' magic in them. Not so much for their effect on swooning males - but for how we ourselves feel. I have a story 'bout a red dress, back when I was hell on wheels. But, here's the story that I want to weave around Hops in a red dress:

You have a reservation at a special place; this place is somewhere you're comfortable, the wait-staff is nearly hovering in their attention, and it has that lovely warm, softly lighted, sparkly crystal glow to it. A la Scarlett O'Hara - your whole day up to the reservation time is spent preparing for a lovely night out. Choosing the clothes, accessories - maybe a special necklace or earrings - that you'll wear. (I'll lend you my elbow length, buttoned white kid gloves, if your hands are small!) The idea is that you are designing the "effect" of your meal and experimental excursion out into "fantasy-land".

Take a long time doing your nails; makeup... even trying a couple different things and redoing your face, if you don't like the effect. I can't wear foundation of any kind... (just emphasizes the laugh lines)... but a compact of translucent powder is a very important piece of the take-along "kit" to exude glamour & mystery... and lets you spy on people behind you!   

When you get to the restaurant - feign some struggle getting the coat off, and accept the help of whomever shows up to assist. Smile! As the maitre d' or hostess seats you... take stock of the room and the people in it; surreptiously, of course. Smile at everyone who makes eye contact... and then retreat behind the menu. Of course, you already know which wine to order while you're choosing dinner. But ask the waiter(ress) for their recommendation. If the waiter's cute - flirt a little! (You'll make his day... no matter how old he is...). After ordering...

just let the atmosphere sink in. Absorb it. A really good restaurant is satisfying to all the senses... and even if I'm with a rowdy crew, with kids... I'll take a few to simply appreciate the pleasantly stimulating experience of the place. Take your time eating - and always, always interact with the wait person! Even a short "how pretty" on the salad... keeps you engaged with the experience and this person who is helping to create it. Dessert is optional, but do allow yourself some time to simply sit and finish the wine - or order a coffee - to let the meal and the experience settle into coziness. Rushing off sort of diminishes the feeling of sensual satisfaction. This is the stage when I can really people watch... I allow the people in the restaurant to become part of my meal-story... without intruding or being rude, I let these real people take their place in this moment in time. It's something we're sharing. And it's quite possible... that this is the moment you'll be approached by someone. And if not, tell yourself - next time.

When I used to travel alone to conferences, the hardest thing of all for me was eating out alone. I would hide behind a paper or book... and tell myself that I must be a horrible pathetic person to have to eat alone, this way. I'd be afraid of making a fool of myself, too. What if I knocked over a glass?? My inner bully always took advantage of situations like this. Well, maybe it was just that I was travelling a lot, but eventually I realized that there were a lot people eating alone... or travelling alone. And eventually, I realized that I could make whatever I wanted out of this experience, all by myself. And I started to enjoy it. I don't go many places alone now - a retired hubby tends to cling a little too much for my comfort, but I indulge him - and ya know, I really miss it. I miss meeting all those different kinds of people who are "on the road", too. I think a lot of them were just as happy to have someone to talk to, as I was.

I'm convinced that this is a good exercise and I might just have to start picking a time for myself to do this again. You should try it too Hops. Consider it an adventure! Anything can happen, in an adventure you know. 

[Hopalong]

CB, haven't managed the red dress yet but you and PR would be proud of me.

I went off to a cozy diner I like (occasionally go there after church with buddies) and had a leisurely cheap breakfast in a very friendly atmosphere, then went off to the SPCA for my first solo. I'm sticking to pooches 20 pounds and under for now because of my back, but I'll find some bigger ones that don't pull, too. Very nice skinny little red dog (named...Red) was super skittish but we settled in for a good tramp and got along fine. She relaxed more after a while. (Adoption fantasies, but she so clearly needs other dogs to play with, wouldn't be fair.) The second one was a solid "puggle" who pulled so much that I realized I'd need a harness for her next time. Dang hair-trigger back. There's a different vibe walking these dogs than one's own indulged pet. A desperation about them. (Plus, some days they get walked only once for 10 minutes--more volunteers needed.) It feels good when about halfway through they are less desperately reconnecting with being a dog instead of cage-dweller and seem as though they perk up and start enjoying it more. It's a 5-acre place with nice paths through the woods...

There are sad areas you can't go into but it is a very attractive, well-run, well-supported, no-kill organization--a model one in the region (they do conferences and training for other facilities). I may have told you but I was SO happy that the beautiful cat I had "turned in" (found him wandering the woods in the downtown area behind a little house I was looking at late this summer--and he was Very Hungry and not neutered) was finally adopted in October. He was so sweet but kind of shy and it took a while. So this winter he'll be snuggled up with somebody who loves him instead of starving (and making stray kittens) out on his own. If I hadn't tested so allergic I'd have adopted him myself. I don't know how expensive allergy shots are, nor how effective, but if they really work, I might do that one day so i could have kitties again.

xo
Hops

[lighter]

You have such a kind heart, ((Hops.))

It makes me happy to picture you meandering along wooded trails, with lucky little companions.
Lighter

[Hopalong]

Thanks, ((((Lighter))).

It's their acceptance of me that blows me away. Such grace.

xo
Hops

[debkor]

Hey Hops,

Your such a kind, loving, soul.  My dog (which turned into dogs) two adopted and one was/is my Ds and b/f's that I watched for (2months) while b/f moved
that is now 2 years later..is here to stay. 

And they know things.  When my D moved out last month with b/f our dogs ...cried and mourned.  They were so sad.  When she comes in what a greeting of hysterical happy cry's of we missed you. 

I think they have emotions.  I can even see facial expression.  Sad, mad, worried. 

I think I have become barklingual or completely lost my mind for I know what they are trying to grunt out. 

And I'm glad you are spending time with the animals.  I wish I could but I would take them all home.

One of my little ones was a day short of being put to sleep.  He was very aggressive and the vet's suggested it would be the best to do.
And I took him.  That was 7 years ago.  He still thinks he is tuff at times and all you have to do is look at him and he rolls over and pee's (lol).

Happy Holidays Hops!!

Your giving more then you know!

Love
Deb

[Hopalong]

Hugs back, Deb.

If I were an abandoned pooch I would definitely dream of being adopted by a human JUST like you.

xo
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Maybe I'm going certifiably nuts. If so, I'm going willingly!

I think I'm finally learning something that explains some complicated things - including why some of us are so holiday-averse.

The popular image of "happy christmas" activity misses the boat completely. It's a false image. It's easy to reject it as inadequate or simply not appropriate. But the gloom, irritation, and outright pain that comes with it... is because of longing for the real happy times - the sharing, the spreading, of love, thoughtfulness and kindness. To all and sundry. That is what the "light" of Christmas is supposed to be about. Especially in "dark times".

And I for one, have always kept that at arm's length; guarded myself vigilantly against this. Because in my experience, this always came with strings attached; a "gotcha" that made it seem as though it wasn't real... or wasn't worth it... or worse yet, just an empty illusion behind which lurked a prison of torture. I learned to fear what I needed and hoped for, the most. I'm still not sure how I learned to hope for "the real thing" - maybe my grandma; maybe the angels in my life who touched me over & above all my defenses and objections (and some of those angels are here on this board); my dear hubby - but I definitely got a "wake up & smell the coffee" reminder in my relationship with my MIL.

Now, I despise funerals. By the time I was 12, I'd already been to many - and of course, at that time experienced other kinds of losses and griefs. My mom had plenty of opportunity to plant the wrong ideas about these rituals in my head. And a funeral or memorial service at Christmas? How awful would that be? I expected it would trigger my own deep griefs. I was so anxious about this I don't think I was at all "in my right mind" last week. And I don't know exactly what happened; how it happened... but that kind of detail doesn't matter.

The result was all that mattered - and the result was a group love fest. I don't know what else to call it. Joyful remembrances of MIL... being able to share those with each other... mutual sharing of love among people who may not really know each other... people giving this to each other without stinting or judging... sharing the "gift" of love and happiness. Which was exactly what MIL was all about... during the service, the minister connected this to advent... tears were shed without embarassment or explanation and often simultaneously with smiles and laughter.

It was as if the spirit of love and comfort and caring was the very air around us. As if, MIL was there, saying - if this is my party, this is how it's going to be. I think we were all blessed in that experience.

The key being - that it wasn't so much about the receiving of love and happiness... to be able to turn around and give this again. It was about giving it in the first place... sending it out into the universe... and like a boomerang, it comes back and it grows. The comfort and connection and caring I'm longing for gets created - for me too - when I give it.

In that spirit, I wanted to share this here - for Hops and all. We all can find ways like Hops has to "bloom where we're planted" and add some of the "real thing" - the love and acceptance and sharing and connection - during this season. It can be just the simplest of things - a smile, a hug, simple kindness - walking a dog.

For ourselves and everyone else.

Merry Christmas!

Love to all --

[lighter]

((((Amber)))) Merry Christmas, to you: )

Lighter