Hi PR,
Only analogy I have is this. I raised my D UU, so she took the option of not celebrating Christmas to the max (which I of course now regret because it also seems like an opportunity to hurt...it really does hurt to not even hear a call on that day--even though I take it as a cultural only semi-religious holiday, it's the family-acknowledgment thing that hurts. She withholds affection, connection, on that day. Won't even say hello). But anyway, part of the entitlement issue was that when she was little and I'd say, oh I don't need anything...just a little card you make is the best....(trying to model lack of greed, I sure overdid it).
She took it quite literally and gave me no presents for a long time. Finally I realized I was feeling sad about not getting anything ever. (We showered her with gifts but hadn't taught her reciprocity.) So one year I explained, I respect your right not to do Christmas but there are two times that I do really care about receiving a present. My birthday, and Mother's Day. She said, but I thought you didn't like Mother's Day since it's a Hallmark kind of commercial thing? I said, you're right, I did say that, but I was wrong. So she said what should I give you?
I said, these are the things that matter to me:
--it doesn't matter if it's expensive or cheap, used or new
--it should be something you pick out for me because you have observed me and you think it's something I will enjoy or that relates to something about me, not generic "Mom" stuff (no mass-produced sentiment items)
--it should be wrapped and have a bow on it
She's done a nice job ever since. She knew at one time in my life I collected elephants so there will often be an elephant theme. One birthday she filled a tin with little notes of loving or motivating statements for me to unfold, one with each Wednesday's date written on it for a year.
One exception--when she was living here and treating me really badly, I got home from a trip on mother's day and she began chewing me out over nothing and I went up to my room and just howled, I was so hurt. Then I went out for a few hours and when I came back she'd cleaned my room for me and left a candle in the window.
I just figure, I am 60 years old and she's 30. She has shared my life. She knows I am a poet, a writer, a reader, I love music and animals and art. If she can't think of something...but she CAN. She's gotten really good at it. One year she got me a great mirror that had a iron cutout of elephants under a banyan tree in front of the glass. I loved it.
Mainly, what I want for a gift is NOT to "tell people what I want". Then, in my view, it's not a gift but a shopping request. I used to feel so sad when I'd hear my parents having that sort of dull, drained discussion. I knew presents were supposed to be SURPRISES.
To me, a gift is the delight of seeing that a person thought of me, conjured me up, took note of some little thing they thought, from knowing and being around me, I might like. It's not whether they'd magically pick something PERFECT that matters...it's knowing they are taking the effort to imagine me, and imagine my pleasure in something. Even something unexpected. I am guaranteed to be delighted!
THAT feels like getting a gift. I really don't want to be asked, "What do you want for ____?" To me, that puts a burden on me, dampens my spirits. It's like saying, "I don't want to be bothered being imaginative or creating a small surprise for you--so I am going to make you do the work of choice by telling me what to get you." Ugh. What's that? Another possible reason is that if the person has witnessed overloaded gift ceremonies in the past, or seen people's gifts fall flat or be ungraciously accepted, or bear a lot more baggage than the simple "I give you a gift" exchange should carry, then they might feel intimidated by the "responsibility" of choosing something for the other, and might try the, "What do you want for ____?"
But my guidelines are, I want you to think of me, to surprise me small or large, and to wrap it and put a bow on it. And I don't want to talk about it at ALL before the day.
Your hubby's a packrat, PR, so maybe a perfect gift for him would be an experience, not an object. Maybe a membership in the Wright Brothers Museum, or a gift certificate to a cool parts catalog for the hogs, or lessons of some kind, or a great storage system for tools (that you know he'd actually like, not that would make him feel it was your agenda) -- like do they have California Closets consultants for garages?
Whoops, trying to improve him. That's not a gift. Tickets to a concert of some old band he's always loved? A surprise party?
Can I come?
As to you? I wish for you a complete small surprise, with a bow on it.
love,
Hops
