OK - my "confession" -
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New Year's Eve, we went "window shopping" in a store I hadn't already "reconaissance'd". Truly I just wanted to see what kind of store it was, what level of merchandise they had. I've been noticing their funny ads in the paper for a long time.
And I bought myself a "bauble" that came with a receipt that could be used for "insurance purposes". (ACCCKKKK!)
Yes, I've gone through the struggle of old cinderella tapes... I certainly don't "need" it, but I noticed this time a much stronger and clearer "I want...". As if, the part of me that's really "me" - sans the old crap that was layered on me all my life - really doesn't stand much of a chance anymore, in my new phase of "claiming" my self; my ability to be who I want to be; and my ability to enjoy life and have some fun. And to take care of myself.
This comes with an additional "taboo" - that indulging this side of me is "dangerous". Of course, there is absolutely NO evidence for that and lots of evidence to the contrary. Even after my financial situation changed so drastically to the positive - I am still pretty conservative (OK, and anxious) about money; I've put off even scheduling a massage for at least 6 months - buying a new computer. I am still "last on the list", you know? But standing there looking at the necklace and listening to all the ways I tried to talk myself out of wanting it - much less buying it - I heard Twiggy tell me, "I'm worth it and I've worked real hard and waited a long time to be pretty... and have fun... and how can that be dangerous???"
And part of me also recognized that I've cut my smoking in half - simply by being more conscious of it - and that to complete the CBT process I need to reward my self for that. I have always failed, because I couldn't think of anything I wanted, as a reward... and so never rewarded myself. Denied any praise from my mom - for anything; for every achievement there was always a criticism - I never learned how to give myself "little treats"... never learned what was appropriate in scale... and literally didn't let myself "want"... I just "made do" with what I had... covered the "needs" in a spartan way...
.... and basically nailed shut the door to all those little "joys" in life.
Something has shifted in a big way about that, and I think this year will see a lot more progress for me in the caring for myself, doing good things for myself, and finding my way to defining what my new life is going to be like. I don't know that I "did anything" specific - nothing replicable as far as "how-tos" - except try to internalize all the things I've learned here and in therapy, practice, and wait for time to do it's thing.
