He did it again like the scorpion

[Hopalong]

Well, that's good!
See? You know what you're doing and you respect yourself for making the real steps you HAVE made!

Good for you, Lup.
Yes indeed that sounds like an improvement.

I think if you're not feeling hurt and anguished or "hooked" over what happens at the dances you're probably doing really well then. That would be how to tell - sort of doing an inventory.

Bravo!

hugs,
Hops

[Lupita]

Who says I am not feeling bad? Hooked up? I feel horrible. I wish he was with me. But I am aware that he is a fantasy. He does not exist. He abandones me the most important days of the year.
Last night it was horrible. He was sitting and I wished I was sitting with him. Instead I was sitting with too good ladies who are not dancers and just came to give me support.
It was very sad to leave the place without him.
I know if I went to him and hug him he would have welcome it. we danced close and I did not feel the same I felt before. I knew that the feeling had false bases, that he was not what I wanted, what I dreamt.
My friend was telling me how can other people have so much control over me.
At some point my friend asked him to sit with us and he did not want to. then he danced with two different ladies. This is after we had danced a lot. After that he did not ask me to dance and he did not came to me anymnore, For around 30 minutes. My friends sai, let us get out of here, do notgive him any eye contact, do not look at him, just get your sweater and let us go somewhere else. We did. One of M's friends came rapidly to the door to ask me if I was OK. I said yes and left. We went to another place and had a drink and food. It was nice to have to lady friends with me. But sad not to have M.

[Lupita]

I am aware that I am in love with the ilusion, with the fantasy that I wish he was, I am in love with the image that I wish he was.
But he is not that. So, I am in love with a ghost.
I am in love with somebody who does not exist.

[Hopalong]

I did not feel the same I felt before. I knew that the feeling had false bases, that he was not what I wanted, what I dreamt.

I understand. I've been through that transition.

Reality is your friend.

After a while (looong while) I began to realize that I didn't want anything based on my fantasizing about romance, based on what I was taught by the culture.

It's just not real. And I would hurt myself over and over again believing in it.

Waking up to reality is painful. But to me, it is preferable than letting me direct some romantic movie because I have been a lousy lousy director.

I want documentary love.



Hops

[CB123]

Hi Lupita,

I am not mad at you.

I just dont have anything to offer you.  I wish I could give you some empathetic outrage. 

Your struggle reminds me too much of mine. That means that I either am seeing your issues clearly or really NOT clearly.

I suspect that you are not reading this guy right. That's because when I say and feel all the things that you are saying and feeling, I am NOT reading the situation correctly.  At the time that I am having these feelings, they seem very, very real.  It takes me hard, hard work to get through to the bottom of what the real issue is in me.

I dont know how to translate that struggle into something that makes sense to you...something that gives you tools to--not cope--but to tackle the pain and abandonment that overwhelms you.  I have no idea how to describe to someone who doesnt feel it.  But I think that you do.

I can listen to your pain.  I think that your pain is so intense that you are (on the inside) like a wild animal with your leg caught in a trap.  I dont want you to stay in the trap.  But sometimes you just have to gnaw your leg off to get free.  Whether this guy is what you think he is, or not, the trap is real, your pain is real, and you must get free.  I dont think you can work through your pain still stuck in the trap.

You are going to make it, Lupita.  Not the "little letter" make it, but the capital letter Make It.  I dont think it is going to have much to do with a guy, or romance.  I dont think dance will have much to do with it.  I think a guy and romance and dancing will be wonderful when you are free to enjoy them.

Love you
CB

[river]

Dont you see? I have not gotten to his house, I have bot gotten into his car, I gave not gone out with him. Just seen him on the dance floor.
Does that count as an improvement?
I dont want to stop talking to him. Just wont give him the opportunity to hurt me. By just dancing a few pieces, I dont think he will hace a chance to do anything. And now he knows that if he leaves me on the dance floor I will not dance with him again.
I cannot believe that I am still in danger by just dancing informally with him. I hope not.

only thing I can add is about the above, you may decide to do some trial and error about whether contact is still ok for you.  I have had to take time out in the past with these kinds of situations.  And sometimes I've had contact with the person after the time out, maybe months, maybe a year,  and all the craziness has died down and its just the guy and reality, no big deal.  Then you get to see who he really is, who you are in relationship, and chances are you dont reallyh want a goof like that. 

[Lupita]

Hops, but because of what CB says, the abandonement, I cling so much and expect so much, and always fall in the hands of dominant people. Becuase I want to feel like I am withmy mother. That I have a mother, that I am not motherless.

Like CB says, until I overcome my pain I will not be able to enjoy anything. I feel fear everywhere. I feel lonely everywhere. No matter how many people are with me.

Now I have a friend that is helping me to get away from M, but now I start to depend on her. I have to be able to do things by my self. I was independent for 20 years until M with my mothers personality came and made me relize that I am still a chiild crying for love in a horrible isolated island.

I will never get the sympathy I want and the success i want until I feel an adult, capable of protect my self. If I was secure of my self M would have never gotten involved with me. Because of my weakness I fell for him. Like dancing, he does not want to dance with advaced dancers, he always want the beginners so he can impress them. Even my T recognizes he is N. He does ugly things and he is never responsible for them. Never. It is always my fault. Like yesterday, we wer dancing and he said that I was too slow and I cought his foot and we almost fell. But he is the leader, how can I do wrong if I am supposed to follow him? ETC.

[sKePTiKal]

Lupita:

many people are "motherless" - in one form or another. It's doesn't have to be a state of abandonment and fear and desperation for them, either. So much depends on what we tell ourselves - in our thoughts, and then through our feelings - as to how we feel about whether we have a "mother" - or not.

Sometimes, all that's needed to learn is to "let go" of the idea that you "need" a mother. And then list all the reasons why you'll be just fine without one.

PS - I forgot to say that a lot of us (it's true of me, for sure) will always WANT mothering... but that's different than "needing". And there are many ways of fulfilling that want - starting with mothering ourselves. You've raised a son; you know what mothering is... now you just need to (and yes, you're allowed to do this and won't be seen as juvenile or weak) mother yourself. Start talking to yourself, as if you were a dearly loved child of your own. Start giving yourself some slack... be OK with not being "perfect"... be OK with learning, trying, new things... and the inevitable mistakes that happen when we're beginners... and the human mistakes we make, no matter how much experience we have!

It really helps - and makes you way less dependent on the "false love" of people who dominate, control or hurt you.

[Hopalong]

Hi Lup,
It's really good to hear so much clear thinking, and how you are understanding yourself.

How you keep allowing yourself to jump on the scorpion's back in the first place...

Another time, you won't do it again like the frog.

I have faith!

hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

I hope you are feeling better this week, Lup...

I wonder if it's any better now that the holidays have retreated behind us?

I have never found it more difficult than it was this year -- this time tests everything. Ourselves, our relationships, our courage, and our kindness. I felt brittle, broken, angry, bitter, vulnerable, drained.

Now that I've come out of it and look back on recent weeks, I am feeling I failed to be patient and supportive to you and I think my remark about the frog was very blunt. (I worried about it and I do not want to be hurtful even if I think I'm trying to help.)

But I've been a frog SOOOOOOOO many times, wailing "I don't understand why the man I observed to be a scorpion behaved like a scorpion!" My obsessive pattern of setting myself up for hurt, over and over...was a really really really long one. The repeating went on for YEARS. Different scorpions, deaf frog.

I think I felt a little too close to your anguish to help you soothe it. If it's any encouragement, I hope you can hear that after YEARS of determined effort and therapy and some periods with Rx and going to the church that works for me.......and especially finding healing in women's support groups where the activity was sharing safely and deeply, not impressing each other, especially-especiallly-especially not competing.....I did find new hope and new courage.

I am not as afraid of love as I was. I look forward to it happening to me again, and in a new sane, CB way, if fate is with me. If not, I have made my peace with that too -- other forms of love other than romance are all around me.

I hope you're doing better. And I hope you find love inside you that wells up to blend with all the love around you.

with more,
Hops

[Lupita]

I have not stayed at his house at all, I have not gotten into his car. I meet him over the palces we go and we only dance.I go to my house and he goes to his house. We do not have a relationship. I do not want a relationship. I do not see him as I used to see him.

I just dance with him.

I have a new female friend who is a wonderful person and has brought hope to me.

I have problems at work, but still have a job.

God will help me.

He is a scorpion. M is a scorpion and he will sing because that is what scorpions do.

[lighter]

Very glad to read you have a new friend, Lupe.

Take good care of yourself......

you're a worthy person.

Light

[Hopalong]

Dear Lupita,
I hope you will read Cary Tennis' column from today on www.salon.com.

I thought of you over and over as I read it.

This was the "PS" he added below his signature.

love,
Hops

In what way exactly can such an apparently life-giving connection with another human being actually be a sign of a death-wish, a desire to stop living? Because living is individuation and conflict. Because we do not agree with anyone about everything. Because we are not completely known by anyone. Because if we seem to be in complete harmony, someone is lying. And to find ourselves in such harmony is to find ourselves back in a false womb, seemingly cared for but in fact neglected, feeling selfless and actually lost, having become a part of someone else's body. Of course it is a glorious feeling to merge with someone else, and who's to say that heroin does not have its attractions, too, but without our boundaries we die. We cannot survive skinless. When you remove your clothes, that is one thing; but when you remove your skin for a man, you are more than naked; you are vulnerable to the wind, prey to all predations of nature.

[Lupita]

Well, I did not see him yesterday, I will not see him today. I will see him at the dance until tomorrow after the dance will start. I am going to swing fot two hours before the tango dance. Then I will go there and see him.

Today, he did not have money to go to tango, or at least that is what he said, and he was trying me not to go, but I said, I will go to tango, I will miss myu dance partner, but I will go. I am sorry you cannot go.

This is the first time I am going to a dance that he will not be present.

I think that is an improvement. I never was at a dance without him. I will be very nervous thinking that who is going to dance with me, but i will be there and smile.

School is very difficult, but I am sruviving. Now I have a long weekend to enjoy.

[lighter]

Have fun and remember you aren't an apple to be plucked off a tree by any man who asks.

You're in charge of deciding who to dance with, or not.

Who to date, or not.

Who to give your heart to, or not.

Not everyone deserves your time and attention, Lupita.

Your responisble for discerning who will build you up, and who will not.

Now put on your red dress and have a ball: )

Lighter