Author Topic: He did it again like the scorpion  (Read 7481 times)

Lupita

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He did it again like the scorpion
« on: January 01, 2011, 07:22:59 AM »
We were in our friend place, I thought we were going to be friends, well, he left. He did not say anything, we were dancing, suddenly, i did not see him anymore, and his car was not there. He just left.

He just wanted to let me know what kind of a person he is. He just left.

I got on my car and said to my self. When am I going to learn? I think I have asperger because I keep trying and trying and I never succeed.

M is a bad person and I dont get it unless he does something very ugly.

That was my happy new year. He did it again. It happens to me all the time. I do not learn unless something very very very ugly happenes to me.
« Last Edit: January 01, 2011, 07:27:06 AM by Lupita »

Lupita

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Re: He did it again like the scorpion
« Reply #1 on: January 01, 2011, 07:30:05 AM »
Now, how can I go to the dances? How can I continue like nothing happen? The owner of the place our friend, knew what was going to happen because she was acting strange all the time, nobody showed any simpathy to me when I was looking for him. I am stupid. Very stupid.

lighter

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Re: He did it again like the scorpion
« Reply #2 on: January 01, 2011, 12:20:18 PM »
Hey, Lupe......
you're the one who decided you'd each take seperate cars, so you could leave when you wanted to.

On your own.

He did that, and maybe it was his way of smacking you around, maybe it didn't cross his mind?

I don't know, but what I do know is.......

this man tends to tip you over the "feeling bad" edge.

I don't necessarily blame him for leaving, but he should have said goodbye.

You volunteered for this to happen when you made plans with him.

What did you expect him to do?  Act differently all the sudden out of the blue?

Listen, when a man shows you who he is......

believe him.

How many times does this guy have to show you, Lupita?

Please don't let this infect the good things you have at the dance studio.

That's just nuts, bc it brings good things into your life.

Don't throw out the baby with the bathwater.

I think that's all the sayings I have at the moment; )

Happy New Years, Lupita.

It's just another lesson.

Don't let that part get away from you.

Lighter

Lupita

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Re: He did it again like the scorpion
« Reply #3 on: January 01, 2011, 12:44:02 PM »
Lighter, you are right. I looked for him, we were sitting together, he bought me drinks, he offered to buy me drinks. He told me several times that his friend Y was coming. Y is a woman that I am constantly jealouse about. Y never came. The group that was with Y came and she did not come with them. He told me that he had a good time last nigth with S. S is his ex-dance partner. Of course, I felt bad, and acted like I was mad. I was mad. I dont know why I accepted to be his friend if I know that everything he does affects me so much.
It was my fault. He left because I was acting indifferent towards him, but I was acting indifferent because he was telling me several times how much fun he had with S and that Y was coming. He said that if I was a new person and a friend that should not bother me.
He was right. That should not have bothered me, but it did. He told me that just to test me.
He knew that I would feel bad despite that we were supposed to be friends. He is smarter than I am. He does not have any feelings for me.
He knew. S was not coming and Y was not coming, he was just provoking me like he usuallly does to prove that I cannot change as friends or as nothing. He knew what he was doing. I volunteered for that as you say. He taught me a lesson. He knew that I would not act normal if he told me things even if I accepted to be just friends. He knew I would act out. That is why he did what he did. He knows I am not for him. He knows we are not for each other. He knows better and he knew  I am stupid. Too naive, to stupid. He just slapped me again. This is why I said he always tortured me.
« Last Edit: January 01, 2011, 12:47:07 PM by Lupita »

Lupita

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Re: He did it again like the scorpion
« Reply #4 on: January 01, 2011, 01:07:50 PM »
The worst part, the owner of the bar is a friend of all of us, she is a dancer too. Two dancers, a couple, both dance, were sitting with us. several table in the bar were occupied by dancers from our dance community.

I dont know why I am affected so much for everything he does, if he looks at somebody, if he talks with somebody, I feel abandoned everytime he wants to do things away from me. Of course he always wants to do things away from me.

I should talk in past tense. He always wanted to do things away from me. He always provoked me. In the future I will be away from him.

I dont know if I should continue with tango. Tango affects me a lot. Too much physical contact with the partner. Not the same in swing or salsa or ballroom. Tango is a very close dance. Maybe tango is not for me. I start to believe Hopalong despite that I love tango dance so much, the kinestetic sensation of tango is different from all dances. M used to lift me, and we did very professional moves, very good. The milk is spilled. There is not way to do not even damage control. I started my new year with the left foot and two feet inside my mouth.

Izzy_*now*

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Re: He did it again like the scorpion
« Reply #5 on: January 01, 2011, 03:17:13 PM »
Dear Lupita,

I know I've upset you in the past, but M does not respect you. He knows that no matter what he does to offend you, make you jealous, you will be upset and want to come crying back to him.

If you respect yourself, it is easier to handle people who show no respect.

The N in my past life used to like to go and visit this elderly couple, and he talked only to them, did not include me. They, therefore, talked only to him and did not include me because I felt so much on the outside and couldn't seem to enter their conversations, especially as the men controlled them, as she was a 'quiet' wife who stayed with her husband and did not invite me to go elsewhere on our own.

I decided to stop going with him when he visited. This upset him terribly, but I said I would not go where I was ignored and disrespected. He kept asking, I kept saying "No"and I never saw them again. I never missed them, as I never knew them. I felt they were rude and ought not be giving the N, alcohol and 'weed'. I could not change the 3 of them, but I could change me, and finally his visits there lessened and lessened, as he was embarassed, (so he said,) that I did not like his freinds and would not go....as if I would change for him. No!

I stayed home alone, but respected myself for it!. Breaking away starts somewhere!

Make any sense?

xx
Izzy
"The joy of love lasts such a short time, but the pain of love lasts one's whole life"

Twoapenny

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Re: He did it again like the scorpion
« Reply #6 on: January 01, 2011, 03:54:06 PM »
Hi Lupe,

I don't know if this will help or not as it isn't exactly the same situation but I'll share it and you can see whether it does or not!

I have a couple of friends who are unreliable.  They're good fun, I like hanging out with them, I'm always guaranteed a good night out if I'm out with one of them.  But they also turn up very late and don't think it's a problem, they both cancel with very little notice, they often forget birthdays and anniversaries and will tend to cut calls short if I'm having a problem I want to talk about.

This used to really upset me.  I wanted all my friends to be 'perfect' - fun, entertaining, good company etc, but also reliable, loyal, responsible etc.  And these two kept letting me down.  So I either had to accept them as they are, or cut them out.  I went for the first option.  Now, when I arrange to meet them it's always as part of a group, so if they're late or don't show up it doesn't matter.  If I'm feeling down I don't call them, I call other friends who are good listeners.  I changed my expectations, and now just see them as a good time friend - I don't expect them to provide me with other things.

What I'm trying to say (in a very long winded way!) is this - M is who he is.  He behaves how he does because that's who/how he is.  There are good bits and there are bad bits.  So the way I see it is he can either be a dance partner that you just dance with and that's all you expect/want from him - and that things like who buys the drinks, whose car you go in, whether or not he says goodbye when he leaves and so on - don't matter because he's just a dance partner and you don't expect any more than that from him.  Or you might need to cut him out completely, at least until you've really got him out of your system.  I don't know where you are geographically.  Is there anywhere else within driving distance that you could go dancing instead?  Even if it means a long drive and you maybe can't go as often?  At least you'd still be doing what you enjoy, but you wouldn't have to see or be around him for a while.  Just a thought.  Not sure if any of that helps at all but want you to know I'm sending happy thoughts your way! (((())))))

lighter

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Re: He did it again like the scorpion
« Reply #7 on: January 01, 2011, 05:47:34 PM »
You're not stupid, Lupita.

You're devoted and smart and lovely....

but the devoted gets you in trouble.

Trouble bc you give your heart to people who don't deserve it.

Maybe M deserved other parts of you?

Maybe you'll come to a point where you can say......

"I know this relationship isn't going to be seriouse, but I can dance and play with THIS person while I'm single and looking."

Maybe not..... but you must start caring as much for yourself, and your feelings, as you care about people who aren't worthy.

It's not about being smart.....

it's about making decisions based on emotions and logic.

Emotion is like a child...... in need of discipline and restraint.

(((LUPITA!)))  It's a NEW YEAR, and you've got so much dancing to do!

Who cares about last night's folly?

::Blowing loud messy raspberry::

Nobody, that's who.

File the lesson away and keep moving, my dear.

M is SO last year; )

Lupita

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Re: He did it again like the scorpion
« Reply #8 on: January 02, 2011, 09:38:50 AM »
Today I still have pain, but less desperation, I do not feel as desperate as I was feeling yesterday. I am more aware now of my contrubution to my problems.
I brought it to my self. I need to take resposibility.
I need to be appropriate, correct, almost perfect. I need to work on my self to be aware of other people so I do not behave like a child seeking protection. I need to grow up.
I started to think more clearly today but the sadness does not go away.
Last night I went swing dancing. It was fun and I met several new aquantances. I made a new friend. It was fun. I forgot about M for several hours.
Then I came home to the same.
Today I will go to the beach and walk. If I get somebody to walk with me I will enjoy it but if nobpdy wants to do it I will do it my self.
Tomorrow, to work again. Whaht a horrible Christmas vacation I had. I have to let go. I need to move on.
Fortunately, I will start group therapy tomorrow. Please, God, help me get M out of my head. Help me focus in positive things. Help me keep my job. Give me wisdom and peace.

sKePTiKal

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Re: He did it again like the scorpion
« Reply #9 on: January 02, 2011, 10:46:54 AM »
Friends are the most important relationship to develop during your healing, Lupe. Friends are people who don't desert you when you're going through a tough time; who will tell you exactly what they think & feel - even if you don't want to hear it; who will give you good advice to help you... and spend their time with you.

Friends are not the same thing as acquaintances - people you've met and run into socially, that you like and perhaps like you, too. Acquaintances are how we meet and make friends... and even with friends, there are some of those relationships that can be "not good" for you. Some friendships cost too much to you personally... for the benefits of being with someone.

Friendships are flexible - there can be a lot of space in them, allowing both parties to have their own life yet still coming together to share with each other. Sometimes that's on a regular basis; sometimes a lot of time will go by - but the basis of that "friendship" still exists; that place where you each can share and care about each other.

Essentially, friendship is a way to connect to or with people without all the high emotional risk, drama, and expectations of a romantic relationship. (Although I have seen some people drag that into friendships, too.) It can feed your soul the caring and validation you need as person. When my D was divorcing an abusive hubby - and seemingly choosing to move from one bad romance into another; one right after the other - I did my best to try to convince her that she'd be way better off hanging with her friends, and I coached her through defining just what she expected from a friend. And she still trusted someone (a long-time friend) who disappointed her almost as badly as if it had been a romantic relationship. I think she's forgiven the friend, but she watches her boundaries more closely with that friend now and doesn't trust quite as much. The friendship meant enough to her, to find a way to continue it... but not without adapting, to protect herself.

THOSE THINGS HAPPEN, because it's life and it's people, Lupe. None of us are so perfect, that we don't make mistakes. No matter how long we work on ourselves or what brand of therapy we do... we can always be deceived by someone, trust someone who disappoints us, and even our own expectations can cause us to be blind or overlook "warning signs" - to make excuses about how we're being treated - because we want to believe that we can twist ourselves into something we're NOT and thereby become adorable in someone else's eyes & heart... and that this is the definition of happiness & bliss.

BLECH!! If we have to become personality contortionists to be treated well and/or loved... no matter how "perfectly" we twist ourselves up... we're NEVER GONNA BE HAPPY. The temporary happy that comes in social gatherings is just a "contact high"... and as you've noticed... when you get home, it's the same old, same old again. It doesn't last. That could even be your goal for T, Lupe - finding the door to happiness that lasts.

I get that there's a big empty space in Lupita's life and that it bothers you constantly, 24 hours a day. I think you are beginning to realize that you have a lot - many, many, many - choices about what to put into that space now. But a real good starting point, would be to just spend some time being Lupita - feeling Lupita - getting to know and being friends with Lupita. That will make the space smaller - and easier to fill with healthy people, relationships, and life - later on.

It's never a position of strength to always look for someone or something outside of ourselves - that we end up dependant on - to "make" us happy. That's inherently giving away our own power over ourselves and putting it in someone else's hands. But with people we can trust - friends - they don't abuse that or you.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Lupita

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Re: He did it again like the scorpion
« Reply #10 on: January 03, 2011, 05:07:46 AM »
Thank you for your responses.

I wish he could behave like a friend. Just that. So I can go dancing and feel comfortable. He is in all my dancing. I just started swing and thank god M is not into swing. But he is in everything else.

I do nto want to have an enemy in the group. At this point, I am totally convenced that I do not want anything with him. But I need him to feel OK with me so he does not destroy me with the other dance partners.

I want to enjoy my dancing and do nto want that his presence in the place to prevent me from enjoy. I start tp dislike him. But I fear him too.

lighter

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Re: He did it again like the scorpion
« Reply #11 on: January 03, 2011, 10:04:22 AM »
Lupita:

You've given M so much power......

I wonder what would happen if you took your power back?

Lighter

Lupita

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Re: He did it again like the scorpion
« Reply #12 on: January 06, 2011, 05:22:47 PM »
I guess CB and Hop are mad at me and wont write me.

Well, he keeps e-mailing me. I saw him at the dance on Tuesday. We danced and said good bye. He treated me as if he was my boyfriend. But I said several times, I am not your girlfriend, I am your friend only.

He stood up by me impeding me from dancing with others, but one man came and got my hand and took me to the dance floor despite M presence. Then he danced with other ladies and I danced with other gentlemen and then M danced with me.

He e-mailed me today that I am his girlfriend. I wrote him back and said I want to be your friend. I want to find a husband and that is not you. He got mad and wrote me back that he will find another dance partner. I wrote back and said, I will be your friend. Then he wrote back and said, I will see you in the dance floor. That was the end.

I know it will hurt to see him with other women, but he has been so mean to me that I need to stay away from him. God will help me.
I am proud of my self becuase depite his insistense I have not gone out with him, I have not gotten in his car, I have not gone to his house and in three weeks I have only seen him twice and only in the dance floor, not privately.

Hopalong

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Re: He did it again like the scorpion
« Reply #13 on: January 07, 2011, 06:11:46 AM »
Not mad at you at all, Lup, of course not.

I'm just sad to see the dance thing eating up your life right now.
It's not that I don't understand why it's a joyful activity and will always be something you love,
of course it will be.

I just don't understand how powerful the attachment is.

And that's my failure to be imaginative.

I also think I give too much advice, as though I can "see into" another person's life and know what's best for them. Sometimes I probably guess or intuit it right, but other times, I am way off base.

And I think that's true in this case. My brain just comes up with one thing --- find alternatives to going to these dances for a year, and work on healing yourself.

It's a mating drama, and sounds agonizing, and I think it keeps you in an arrested state of development that does not help heal your insecurity...

But I also think I'm very likely wrong. So I'm just wanting to read and listen and learn instead of bossing you about. I should have more faith in you, that you are following the course that you feel is right for you.

And I'm sure you are! One of my NY Resolutions is to offer less advice (hmmm....let's see how long THAT holds)  :P.

Hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Lupita

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Re: He did it again like the scorpion
« Reply #14 on: January 07, 2011, 05:25:34 PM »
Dont you see? I have not gotten to his house, I have bot gotten into his car, I gave not gone out with him. Just seen him on the dance floor.

Does that count as an improvement?

I dont want to stop talking to him. Just wont give him the opportunity to hurt me. By just dancing a few pieces, I dont think he will hace a chance to do anything. And now he knows that if he leaves me on the dance floor I will not dance with him again.

I cannot believe that I am still in danger by just dancing informally with him. I hope not.