Friends are the most important relationship to develop during your healing, Lupe. Friends are people who don't desert you when you're going through a tough time; who will tell you exactly what they think & feel - even if you don't want to hear it; who will give you good advice to help you... and spend their time with you.
Friends are not the same thing as acquaintances - people you've met and run into socially, that you like and perhaps like you, too. Acquaintances are how we meet and make friends... and even with friends, there are some of those relationships that can be "not good" for you. Some friendships cost too much to you personally... for the benefits of being with someone.
Friendships are flexible - there can be a lot of space in them, allowing both parties to have their own life yet still coming together to share with each other. Sometimes that's on a regular basis; sometimes a lot of time will go by - but the basis of that "friendship" still exists; that place where you each can share and care about each other.
Essentially, friendship is a way to connect to or with people without all the high emotional risk, drama, and expectations of a romantic relationship. (Although I have seen some people drag that into friendships, too.) It can feed your soul the caring and validation you need as person. When my D was divorcing an abusive hubby - and seemingly choosing to move from one bad romance into another; one right after the other - I did my best to try to convince her that she'd be way better off hanging with her friends, and I coached her through defining just what she expected from a friend. And she still trusted someone (a long-time friend) who disappointed her almost as badly as if it had been a romantic relationship. I think she's forgiven the friend, but she watches her boundaries more closely with that friend now and doesn't trust quite as much. The friendship meant enough to her, to find a way to continue it... but not without adapting, to protect herself.
THOSE THINGS HAPPEN, because it's life and it's people, Lupe. None of us are so perfect, that we don't make mistakes. No matter how long we work on ourselves or what brand of therapy we do... we can always be deceived by someone, trust someone who disappoints us, and even our own expectations can cause us to be blind or overlook "warning signs" - to make excuses about how we're being treated - because we want to believe that we can twist ourselves into something we're NOT and thereby become adorable in someone else's eyes & heart... and that this is the definition of happiness & bliss.
BLECH!! If we have to become personality contortionists to be treated well and/or loved... no matter how "perfectly" we twist ourselves up... we're NEVER GONNA BE HAPPY. The temporary happy that comes in social gatherings is just a "contact high"... and as you've noticed... when you get home, it's the same old, same old again. It doesn't last. That could even be your goal for T, Lupe - finding the door to happiness that lasts.
I get that there's a big empty space in Lupita's life and that it bothers you constantly, 24 hours a day. I think you are beginning to realize that you have a lot - many, many, many - choices about what to put into that space now. But a real good starting point, would be to just spend some time being Lupita - feeling Lupita - getting to know and being friends with Lupita. That will make the space smaller - and easier to fill with healthy people, relationships, and life - later on.
It's never a position of strength to always look for someone or something outside of ourselves - that we end up dependant on - to "make" us happy. That's inherently giving away our own power over ourselves and putting it in someone else's hands. But with people we can trust - friends - they don't abuse that or you.
