Recently I came across a new idea: There is such a thing as more than one voice!
More than the sacred cow one? Thank you MB, I never thought on this until you posted about it. Then the first thing that popped into my mind was that even if I've found my voice, it is not beyond reproach and it only reflects my voice. It can express anything it wants to, right or wrong. The only difference is that I'm doing it with MY voice, not parroting through the veil of the person(s) who caused me to lose it. It's not a sacred cow and once our voices became full and mature, I think we have a greater responsibility to use it for good. Now the next question I should ponder is, Am I doing that?
You got me thinking!
tt
I personally didn't mean sacred cow voice or that which is beyond reproach.
I was referring to something along the lines of finding new modes of expression literally like learning how to play an instrument....but I think I'm grasping a little elusively because it's linked with (for me personally)--not self isolating and experiencing being a part of community in ways that I have not before and to do it without being fearful or something like that. Like reading books to kids as a volunteer-- is for me to find a "Second Voice"
That is more of what I meant. But if it spurs you on in your own direction that is ok also.
I'm not sure I have words to explain it because I'm not 100% sure what I am getting at.
There is voicelessness
There is voicefulness
There is inner child voice
There is the image of "idea of SELF" reflected back by others and the resulting voice that arises out of that
There is SELF that is not formed by others reflections and the voice from that
There is not accepting other's judgements about my SELF and at the same time figuring out how to not retreat or
assimilate erroneous ideas about ME
There is the sad me--that is me interacting with my family
My mother wanted to meet me today, she will be here in 2 hours. I called her this morning and her husband answered--in a way that communicates he is dissappointed that I still exist on planet earth. Because my mother is part of his family now---and I am not welcome or accepted in that circle.
There is the voice of me that comes out of that reflection from his mind----"I am not worthy to be alive"
In his voice I hear a
conviction of thought that limits who I am. I hear that his idea of me is the real ME. As if his belief has authority over my identity.
Of course this links back to my mother's sickness.
I think he makes a belief about (ME) based on my mother's back-stabbing comments about me to him.
The person that he reflects to me is degrading. (Low-Life)
Of course he also likes to watch Nazi Germany reruns over and over again. (No joke)
That voice. The image of my "not worthy to be alive" ---or "hasn't she commited suicide yet?"----That reflection has it's voice that is part of all my voices.
It's a real experience that feels bad but I hope it does not define all areas of my life. If my mother and her husband want me to kill myself----I don't want that feeling or experience to be what defines my whole being --hence the need for voices of other sorts.
It's weird to say it it and not a lot of people would believe it but I think my mother, her husband, my aunt want me to die.
Just like there is that part of SELF that can be cruel to the inner-child SELF----I think I receive that same role in my family of being the "Inner child self" for the relatives.
I think that is 50% what I mean about VOICE 1 VOICE 2 VOICE 3 Etc.
It's making more room/space in my life for parts of identity---the self isolating part--the community interaction part--the broken self part--the ruined part---the part that hasn't formed yet and can still exist part--
Writers literally use the term "finding your voice".
For people who grew up voiceless I think this is more complicated it's more like finding all the fragments and also learning that it's ok to branch out and have a new voice. There is something that branches out of the hurt child voice. Also, Maybe there are aspects of voice that do not have to originate from FOO wounds. That struggle.
Some voice comes out of struggle---maybe Voice # 32 comes from a place that does not have FOO struggle.
I do think in this case avoidance is ideal--but obviously I am meeting my mother today. I hate her. I don't want to meet her. I have mild anxiety the day before I know I am going to see her.
I will meet her for a short time and then I will cut it off--Ok bye you can go home now. She already told me she plans to call my aunt after she meets me. ----Meaning? She can act like she is normal or something???? She can tell my aunt lies about my life??
I'm going to stop believing that I have any control over my mother-aunt sicko duo.
They are INSANE---- if they were in a mental institute they would be working as a pair to abuse another lunatic.
Can I call them functioning lunatics? I don't want to see my mother today at all. I'm now realizing how long it has been....and I never want to see her. I don't want her to know anything about my life--I want privacy. She asks me lots of questions and if I don't answer she gets pissed off at me as if she has the right to do her reconnaissance mission --for the sake of reporting back to my aunt so that my mother can appear to me a saintly mother.
She is evil. And maybe there is incompetence and weakness to her evil.
