Finding voicefulness......losing......finding.....practicing..

[Meh]

Nothing big to write about today. I'm looking forward to listening to live Jazz this week. That is pretty much it.
I now have access to a piano but I never had lessons. I have to say the individual notes out loud while I plunk.
EABCBABBBAGAAEAB ----Yeah, so what, I can't play BUT I still plunk.

I don't know, I wish I could play an instrument or at least lived with people that were a little more playful. I sing in the shower and I know that I'm stretching my "room-mates" ability to cope with my singing Ha-Ha-Ha HA. Oh, well------these people here are like pale drug-zombies half the time--OH WELL if they don't sing. I love to sing because its fun. BECAUSE ITS FUN. I have to capitalize that. It's good to do stuff just for the sake of fun. I'm allowed to have fun....that is why I sing in the shower. Smile.

Yep, thats just about it, not much to say and time to sleep.

Sometimes I wish I could just drown in music, not listen to people coughing. Hech Ech Ack Ack

Remember this song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qKs6Yy847nw

[Meh]

Tired, tired, tired.

Did my little music listening thing tonight, there is someone who likes the same music I guess from my Buddhist group. He said hello in the past but in a very pleasant way he asked me about me sitting alone and what I was doing--like why was I just sitting alone listening to music. I guess I could say to him that I'm trying not to kill myself. But he wouldn't really get that any more then he could get why I sit alone.

So tonight I was thinking about the idea of pushing oneself to do things like get out of the comfort zone or whatever.

Then there was a part of me that said "maybe this is just who I am, maybe it's not a concept like comfort zone".

Why shouldn't I sit alone and listen to music? Maybe I just need to look stranger odder with dark glasses like roy orbison or something and then maybe I can sit alone??  

He said I should go sit closer to the muscians I said "In the mosh pit?"

I was trying to make a joke because it's jazzy music. Then he asked me if I had ever been in a mosh pit and I said yes.

Then he pointed out that for me it feels like being in a mosh pit to socialize. So much for my joke. Usually jokes are a good defense.

I smiled and shook my head yes that he had nailed the tail on the donkey/jack-ass. He said well we will have to work on that--and maybe my aversion to social groups could have been averted at a younger age but why can't I just cope with my life.

He's in my Buddhist groups. The truth is nobody can Do anything about it. I don't want to Do.
ughhhhh.....and maybe that is the point.....like in a Buddhist sort of way. For him it's not a doing its being but for me it's doing with a lot of struggle.
Socializing is a kind of play a play that gives me terror. I don't want to play with adults! Ha-Ha Ohhhh-gosh.

It's beyond me. My coping skills are strained and limited. 

Stress=tired.

Not wanting to do=tired.

I don't want to try or do life anymore. I just want life to click and iif it's too hard then for me to do something-well why hasn't therapy helped. So I hate it when people say stuff like that to me except for the part that he is just really nice and he is very social so I can't be pissed at him.

Going to drink my licorice yucky tea and go to sleep.

There is someone where I live "the recovering alcoholic"-there are numerous of these but I call this one THE.

So the recovering alcoholic is very self-isolating and I was thinking something about how I thought that was annoying BUT then I experience this and then I think well am I any better or different? And yeah I'm different in someways but maybe not so many ways.

BUT still different because every person is different and really shouldnt be compared to others etc.

This is a tired ramble. Night.

tomorrow I wake up and drink black coffee--grrrrrr-- and work on stuff----grrr---------grrrrr----snore.

[Meh]

This life I'm living has changed in strange ways.

"My" "bed" is covered with "vegetables".  

I was asked to sew some potatoes for a children's playset. So I have been sewing lots of potatoes out of women's nylons and stuffing with puff because that was the project. So I'm tired now, and looking inside a plastic produce bag from the grocery store that I'm using to store my organic "potatoes". They don't look like potatoes....they look like something else....you guess what....

I have worked hard all day long sewing these creative master pieces and they look worse than #2.

I'm joking, my #2's look mighty fine.

For all the time that went into making these 'erds.....they should be worth about $200.00. Maybe I should take them to the grocery store and weigh them on the fruit scale just in case.

[Meh]

Tonight, I'm too tired. Thats all there is to say.   

[Meh]

Maybe choosing not to use the voice is a form of voicefulness.

I had a pretty good day, something pleasantly unexpected occured that felt like a mini-vacation.

It's really windy here (real sound) and someone has a movie on that has windy noises in it (fake wind). A little weird but it is Extra Windy here.

G Night. 

[Meh]

Uh, tired again. Came here out of habit, sometimes it's just a familiar place to come back to. I have had some minor recent changes in my life that I think I am going to come here and write about but I find myself stopping short of putting it down for some reason so for now I will just leave it at that.

Made an eggplant, an (almost) asparagus and a pickle and some flowers, got some more fabric to make daffodils. Sigh....I don't know what for...just because.

I feel a bit sad today, for reasons that I don't wish to explain too much. It's like sometimes I can fool myself into believing that I can be happy but days like this a little sadness creeps in and it's more like reality is catching up with me. So I just tell myself to get through the next few days and see what happens.

I have a new roommate that has bone cancer (my feelings are not related to that).

Why does it matter that I have a room mate that has bone cancer, well, I don't know. I suppose it just goes to show that things can be going pretty well and something beyond one's control can change that. We don't have ultimate control over everything.

[Meh]

I come here again and all I feel like writing is that I'm tired & dissappointed.

It's beyond me for the moment.

I'm thinking that maybe in the future I will be able to write retroactively backwards about what is happening now or maybe not.

I look at these statements and I wonder if this is enough to be voicefulness.

Lately I have had to endure my own fakeness to others and other's blah-blah-blah and poor advice towards me. On top of that I sense that I simply don't want to explain or talk or output anything.

I've had to smile at people giving me bad input and I have had to generate BS output in these fleeting relationships that compose my so called safety network.

something is needed to avoid a complete soul implosion

but I'm taking on the alcoholic's mantra of "one day at a time" it's a pretty good idea for anyone really. Usually 50% of stuff changes by the next day anyways.

[Meh]

Had a particularly satisfying day because I discovered a hiking trail that I can get to. Yay! Crouched down on the edge of a big rock cliff and looked down and felt like a little kid. Would have been nice to have a picnic of sorts.

Got a short term job gig that allowed me enough dough to get my hair cut. It came out really different and I think I like it.

I'm tempted to say I'm tired but I think lonely and bored and discouraged and not exercising enough and doing underwhelming tasks to make some money would be a more specific description. Those things all just add up to tired though.

Walked to a stone sculpture that had some little stalactite or stalagmites forming on it from the minerals coming out of the stone.

Thought about frustrating things today, especially the conversations I have to have with people and how other people have goals for my life that are not the goals I wish to have for myself. There is discouragement communicated to someone who is in my position. I also remember that others are always in their own worlds. Then I remind myself to be true to my world-my sphere of survival-in my own orbit and on my rotation and tilt.  

I discovered this today:

If thou of fortune be bereft, And in thy store there be but left Two loaves — sell one, and with the dole Buy hyacinths to feed thy soul. — James T. White

It was a very good day but hard, I envisioned my heart being propped with toothpicks in the same way a person props up an avocado seed to get it to grow. Its pretty much emotional control and I know the consequences are there in the future. I propped myself up against that stone sculpture thing and looked around at some beautiful scenery and I know I need to cry, that I just need to be allowed to feel the way I do.

I fake it really hard. Cheerful like a Brady bunch marionette. I have to fake it the alternative maybe is death?
I have roommates that stay in slippers all day long and don't brush their greasy cow-licked hair and it gets to me. I think I use to be like that sort of.  

[Meh]

So tired, spent wkend planting beans and squash and sunflowers and peas and smooshing garden grubs into a gross mess.

[Meh]

Awkward communication about not meeting my mother on Easter. I'm so tired the last email I almost sent her and didn't actually send sounds like a "breakup" note from people who date each other.

It's not really that pleasant any more.....we don't really want to see each other.....it has become an obligation....

I'm drinking chamomile tea and trying to mentally process the day, I feel like I need to follow up with stuff and people and situations but I'm getting so overwhelmed that I'm starting to ask myself what if I don't do it right now, what will happen if I don't get involved in that situation and converse etc. Things kind of work themselves out sometimes. There are just so many changes happening and so many personalities that I can't possibly manage or controll it all. It's out of control.

I have been practicing more "nos".

Nos to others and nos to myself. 

[Meh]

I got in a fight today, only a verbal confrontation. It was interesting there was a witness and a mediator that stepped in.

The other person approached me and is a self appointed coordinator of sorts. I did not know this, I had been told that the coordinator was a different person (the person I was working with).

Apparently the person who got in the verbal fight with me doesn't get along with the other coordinator either.

Anyways. It was interesting and arresting the rest of my day I didn't feel like doing the busy-bee check list thing after the fight.

The fight felt a little good and a little bad. And maybe it's good to be bad sometimes.

I'm very thankful I had a witness.

There was a previous strained relationship history going on between the coordinators that I didn't know anything about but it set one of them off.

[Meh]

So, in my unchosen circle of acquaintances there is an alcoholic woman who has talked to me quite a bit about her personal issues.

Her explanation of her personal issues included the fact that she wanted to leave her FOO so bad that she went right into another relationship with a man that took care of her but was abusive and she QUOTE "had a family to get away from her parents".

She had children because it was a device for her own survival. Her husband was then somehow obligated to support her because of the children.

In this conversation something solidified even more for me about my own mother and me. I was one of these types of children who are a device for the mother's survival. An old friend of mine whose parents were heroine addicts called herself a meal-ticket baby.

Somehow hearing it described from a person outside of my FOO made it more real. In the bigger world that breathes and exists despite my N-mother and FOO--there are other people who have had similar experiences.

It took me a very long time to figure this out. Maybe I feel stupid (hard on myself) or deeply betrayed that I lived for so long not knowing what her intentions were.

In a very deep way I don't think it's just chance that now my mother is remarried she is treating me much worse then she did in the past I think the remarriage signifies to her the stage of her life where I was a meal ticket has gone by and now she doesn't perceive me as useful any longer.

I am very worthless to her. And I can write that and think that without feeling my heart crunch in for once in my life, she is also mattering less and less to me.

[Meh]

I need to vent a little.

I'm around a lot of recovering and slipping alcoholics and histrionics and adult women who are parents and whine and cry and ohhhhh I can't, ohhhhhh my knee hurts, ohhhhhh...

I can't hear myself think sometimes because one woman talks incessantly and I'm not exaggerating.

I'm I instigating voicelessness for wishing she would SHUT UP!!!

OR am I a little voiceless because I have a desire for some peace but choose not to say so because she will get upset.

I mean there is only so much an assertiveness class can do for a person.

It's just rude for people to share too much to bystanders just because they are there.  

There was also someone who passed out in the kitchen today with her pants on backwards and then an empty Vodka bottle was found in the bathroom garbage. So.....I'm just venting that is all.

I guess the relevant part related to Voicefullness or Voicelessness is I don't want to have a conflict by pointing out that it would be nice to have a little more quiet after 5 continuous hours of her blabbing--could she take a break? Sounds reasonable.

I was here because I decided to try making some homemade chili--not one of my best dishes it comes out bland.
I don't know, I put fresh roasted peppers and roasted tomatoes and cumin and chili and cinnamon and chocolate, black beans onion, little garlic.

The only thing I can really do is avoidance right now. I wanted to sit down with all my paperwork and get some stuff straightened out but I just couldn't concentrate. Of course I could haul all of my papers somewhere else. That is probably what I will end up doing I guess. Problem solved. 

Great the drunk just walked by mumbling at the other one who found her Vodka bottle.

I feel like a little quiet mouse just wanting off of the ship of fools.

Too much TOO much community!!!!!! I want to be alone!!! OR just away from certain people.

Ha

[Meh]

I'm tired.

Last night histrionic or compulsively manipulative air-talker. What ever she is....was up at midnightish crying and babbling incoherent nonsense to herself. "recovering" in theory drug addict and alcoholic--GO FIGURE--they always find a way of manipulating the people around them.
She talks so much that she can't even stop talking in the middle of the night she has to talk to herself. Plus she is talking about wanting to kill people in the middle of the night. --How is that not disruptive to the peace of everyone around her?

Somehow this personality type has an impact on all those around her. I cant stand the cr@zy B*tch.

I think 75% of these people are still on drugs even though the ones that are here are suppose to be in recovery.

So I'm reminded that some of the people I have to share time and space with have psychiatric problems that are more severe then seems at first sight. Since there is nobody here who is actually a psychiatrist to evaluate these people better it's rather volatile.

I don't really care if they pass out in their own little corner or cry, the thing is I just don't want to be wrangled into it and simple because I exist I do get wrangled into it as soon as people start talking to me even if I don't respond. That is enough to constitute a conversation and a "relationship" of strange sorts.

I wish I could aim an African safari animal style tranquiler dart at them.

Someone told me I would be a good social worker the other day....Ha...There is no way in heck I would EVER want to do that.

I can't stand how needy and immature some people are and they just piss me off.

"Child protective services hates you?     Oh really....um and maybe I do too!!"

Ok, so I'm looking forward to a better week next week or a better month next month or maybe a better year next year.

Maybe I will write down some goals you know.

I feel out of place. About 80% or more of the people who end up where I am are substance abuse users with associated psychiatric illnesses....in some ways that is the worst company I could have because that is pretty much my FOO that I'm overtime distancing myself from.

Maybe it's therapeutic, maybe it's god's way of making sure I understand what it means for me to (FOCUS ON ME & TAKE CARE OF ME & PUT ME FIRST). That is a pretty good place for me to start with my goals that I'm reluctant to write down because its only words...but I will work on it.

Off do to something constructive for me and LIMIT the time I spend focused on others who are inconsiderate enough to let their crazy loose for everyone else to deal with.

[Meh]

I'm looking at my last post and how pissed I was getting.

I feel much calmer at the moment though--but looking at the last post I can see this person was really pushing my buttons.

I think it's because she literally talked nonstop for at least 6 hours+.

I should have been paid a therapists wage just for being in ear shot of this person. I won't repeat it here I can't even stand it.

Looking back at my last post it seems sort of harsh maybe. There is some sort of steel armor I have been building up against alcoholics my whole life.

I shouldn't write this is sounds "immature"

The thing is life has taught me that I am not very valuable to any body in the end when things shake out.

So I figure in a callus way I don't owe compassion to any person (some days)

Isn't that a dark place.

But looking at my last prior post it kind of looks like I wasn't in my right mind either.

That's some really toxic toxic stuff.


Geeze I'm reading my lasts posts and I'm seeing how emotionally hard I have become as a person.

I don't know that I want to be perceived that way by others or that I want to live in the world that way IF I was living in the world with people that I cared about I might be a difficult person for them. That is a what if.

Emotional survival is hard and weird whatever that is. I do believe that me being an emotionally hardened person is also what saves me from drowning in this world.

I feel like being a callus person relates to me being focused rather then distracted.   ???

Of course it's my mother who has told me I'm cold and callus. There are people I just can't tolerate being soft around...because maybe its an affront against my soul?

Anyways I'm tired this is a pointless ramble. I was just surprised at how irritable I became and its reflected in what I wrote.

I really am an irritable person right now. How weird is that?