Finding voicefulness......losing......finding.....practicing..

[Meh]

Today, I got three things done that I really needed to do. yay. Miss Do-Do list is still not content. That is why there is Miss Give Her Credit.

I feel worried.

I feel like cooking stuff.

I probably need Mr. Chop Wood Carry Water right now.

And Mr & Miss Executive Director Decision Makers.

[Meh]

Right now, I have change and transition and instability fatigue.

Unless I'm coming down with an illness.

It could be anything really.

All I know is that I'm depleted.

When I get this way I also get negative tend to focus on what is wrong with everything.

Good news is that the woman who passed out in the kitchen was kicked out. yay

She also threw her cigarette stubs on the carpet and left behind rotten food for someone else to clean up.

It's true, the stereotype about trashy people not taking care of anything, it's not just because they are poor and cant afford to, it's because they are trash and the world is just a big piece of cr@p to them.

I'm not allowed to say it but there, I did!

[Meh]

Yay!!!!!!

The stuff I was writing, well, guess what---It has been funded for both projects. Yay!!!!!!!! Yay!!!!!

I ate three pieces of pizza too many (don't think I've ever eatten that much pizza in my life) and a beer.

Chatted with a handfull of people behind the scenes that I have been volunteering with and it felt really really really good.

Tonight I have a feeling of satisfaction.

[Meh]

Somebody wants sugar. There is no sugar. The person is looking in cupboards climbing on chairs on top of refrigerators to find sugar to put in their coffee.

I think to myself well, I have a lot of too-sweet granola bars. I think about offering one to the person to eat with their coffee.

I think about it multiple times and I have to stop myself from the compulsion to help.

I realize that the sugar seeker is not helping me in little ways like this. I realize that I actually went through a considerable amount of effort to acquire the granola bar resource...ha..ha.

It's an insignificant example with no consequences either way if I choose to share or not to share. But my point is I'm so compelled to do this sort of thing for other people that it's like a knee jerk reaction. I feel responsible somehow. And I'm just not. And it's appeasing to. Feel responsible for making the people around me happy. When if they had planned a little better themselves they would have some granola bars to eat with their coffee. Or maybe they have some but it never occurred to them to use it in place of puting sugar in the liquid...eating something sweet is just as good as puting into the coffee itself.

Little things that I know that help me get along in life without feeling deprived. It's not my responsibility to figure out stuff like this for other people. Stupid simple stuff. Like the people who complain there is no room in the refrigerator are the same people that have three half used milk cartons in there and big bottles of unopened stuff that doesn't need to be refrigerated.

No, I'm not rescuing others in big ways or little ways from their own ignorance especially since the ignorance also takes the form of inconsideration.

Leting it go.

Only point is I noticed my IMPULSE to appease and make things better for those around me even when they do nothing to contribute to my well-being and are not even friends. This is a very good place for me to practice NOT doing these things. 

[Meh]

Not so much a need for emotional caring because I DID survive without that and I think maybe in the long run it made me stronger but her neglectful decision making style had results that lived on with me still to this day.

The things she was doing for me was a "show of interest" not authentic interest.
My mother has a consciousness style of "Is anybody there" "yoo-hoo anybody home"

Disassociation where her body is there but she doesn't ever connect even if she is talking and doing stuff she is out of reach.

She is not very self-reflective and her motivations for any "positive" relations comes from other people's prompting rather then her own desire to have a good relationship with family.

Her husband is a resource for her. She is a female who lives like a leach off of men to have a better lifestyle but she doesn't seem to grow a deeper relationship...but maybe that's just my imagination making stuff up. Maybe that is all any male and female does. The men that she ends up with seem pretty one-dimensional as well.

The inability to have an honest conversation because her DENIAL is HUGE.

My mother was never able to be a protector as a parent.
My mother was never able to be a friend.
My mother was never able to put in thoughtfulness when it was imperative like in medical decisions when I was a kid.
My mother reflected back to me that I was not valuable.

When my mother was married to my father I was just a bargaining token.

I didn't have proper shoes in winter, I wore sandals sometimes and lightweight clothes even when it was too cold.
I never had nice things but I didn't know any better, AND we always had cable television.
She likes to watch a lot of TV.
She was never proud of me, she never once said that she was.

She likes to start verbal arguments--and they are not rational arguments so there is no way to resolve them.

Disruption   Chaos

One time I didn't talk to her for about six months or so, then she went to a counselor, she was nice to me for about 2.5 weeks that was interesting and strange....it only proves that she is capable of being nicer. Then she just lapsed back to her regular psycho-b!tch self. She only went to the couselor because my grandmother no doubt asked her why we aren't speaking. I didn't trust it, but it felt a lot better for that 2.5 weeks.

My mother has never had a real discussion with me that goes back and forth. She can only manage stupid questions that usually involve how much did you pay for that piece of tissue paper?

I'm at the point personally though that I'm uncovering so many personal challenges for myself related to voicelessness that have nothing to do with my mother's current actions. So I'm focusing more and more on me and trying to work on myself, and that feels like the right place to be.

I just don't give a cr@p anymore about her because she never gave a cr@p about me.

Sabotage....
She wasn't capable of teaching me how to ride a bike...that one really sticks out to me it's the example of everything else.
I felt like a failure.

Someone else taught me how to ride a bike, a friend of the family woman, took her about 10 minutes and she purchased a used bike from a garage sale. Just a different energy allowed me to be successful.
To put it very simply, the woman who taught me how to ride a bike LIKED me.
My mother does not like me. Plain and simple. I don't feel the need anymore to figure out the reason why. I just accept it on some level.
It's an imperfect world with a lot of screwed up people...some of them have children....and some of those children are us.

[Meh]

Please god just help me to LET MYSELF BE today.

[Meh]

Where is the DO KNOW?

The do know is like the difference between taking care of an injury or pushing forward when unnecessary.

The DO KNOW is the taking care........THE MIND overtaking and over running is the rushing onward in spite of the SELF.

[Meh]

communication style write more here about this later.

[Meh]

In one of the classes I take there is an old guy (old enough to be a grandparent) and I believe he is a psychiatrist by profession.
The same person that pointed out that I sit by myself at musical performances.

Last week when we were simultaneously at a music performance that we both frequent, he sat next to me and pointed out to me that I was sitting closer to the band this night. I replied something about how it was because there were fewer people there and it was easier to get a close seat because people are not scouting for empty chairs constantly.

He said something like ..."so you feel more comfortable when there is more space around you".. So he verbally doing some sort of cognitive feedback to me even though I'm not one of his clients.

To me this is a little weird and sort of even feels like a boundary violation because the therapist/patient relationship as far as I see it is one where there is clear authority and lack of authority. The psychiatrist is the expert who is going to "fix or change" the client and is giving that service in exchange for money. The patient has decided to go make themselves more vulnerable or impressionable than usual and pay for a service in exchange for an enhanced quality of life...all this in theory is how I see it.

So when this person who really is quite pleasant not exactly unpleasant....is talking to me in a way that is like therapy....I feel strange.

The excuse I would make up for him is that he is so use to therapazing people that when he sees an opportunity to therapize outside of his office he absent-mindedly is still in the therapist role instead of changing into a civilian role? I don't know. But if I looked for the DO KNOW that doesn't sound quite right to me.

Further more when we were at the concert he kept on touching my leg to get my attention when he would want to say something to me about the musicians. I mean it's loud there....but I still think it's sort of....like he shouldn't be doing that unless he's picking up on someone.

I don't know, last thing I wanted was for a psychiatrist to try to pick up on me if that is it......I mean I could try to talk myself out of that. And you all allready know how I feel about old men.

So the last time I had a class, he sat next to me in the class because it was the only empty chair left, and he leaned over and said hello to me and I thought it was just a little too friendly the way he said hello.

So I just introverted for the rest of the class.

I'm a little perturbed by the whole thing because I'm not signed up for therapy and my social skills or self-isolating is a sore-area for me sometimes.
Yes, It's a character flaw I have....I'm a social isolater....and he has made a point of pointing it out...and I'm not sure that is fair game to do so.
I am at a stage in life where there are some things I will work on personally and some things that I have accepted about by so-called weaknesses or flaws or whatever. I'm not a social mosh-pit person where there are a lot of loud chatting voices that is not a place where I'm going to run towards just to me in the fray. THATS me....and that is a DO KNOW.....I'm decided on keeping some of my flaws because I have used them and have a whole system of coping styles all related to the fact that I am NOT a PEOPLE person and do not wish to be. I only decide to take in community in small amounts and I'm currently taking in much more togetherness and collaboration and contribution and working with others than I have in a very long time and that is my baby step.

Yeah, I'm a party hater. I feel uncomfortable when I'm suppose to make up small talk with people I don't know. A partier WOULD NEVER GET IT.
....AND SO WHAT......this is the DO KNOW of who I AM....I'm not a big party person.....I'm SOOO not a social butterfly....

I feel uncomfortable when someone points out my aloneness. I struggle with coping with my aloneness without having someone put a spotlight onto it.



BUT he is a good example why I prefer keeping to myself....interactions with humans are just plain weird and often uncomfortable for me.

I don't want men doing pick-up techniques on me. I don't want them giving verbal cues to me, don't want them touching me.

Maybe I should call him on it. Just to be the difficult non-patient that I am.

Maybe he is trying to drum-up business for himself -getting new clients to pay mo'money.

Does it even matter?

Okay, I vented.

[Meh]

I don't think there is innocent touching ever between men and women. EVER.

I think men are ALWAYS accutely aware of if they can touch a female or if there is another man that is going to bash their head in if they do so.

[Meh]

I already had a guy-"friend" who wanted to mix-up his psychology skills gleaned from his college career as a psychology major and his pick up artists skills on me....just so I could be some sort of social experiment for him...

Needless to say he didn't get too far with me.

From my perspective these people are moral-less to the extreme.

[Meh]

I would say denial but that's not accurate A LOT of people DO denial.

Maybe DENIAL is the most irritating thing that really confused me as a child. The authority figure would say that my perceptions were wrong or that something never happened when it did. Topsy turvy....hard to grasp a reality....and that would be another defining point of instability not just the instability of place...but he instability of mind not in an unsane way...but in the way of a CONFLICTED MIND with issues trusting one's own perceptions IN RELATIONSHIP to other people....but not to the world as a whole (hopefully).

Nar-mother chooses unkindness, she is capable of "empathy" not something I value all that much but she is just mean... and the world has these people, there is an evil villain in every kid's story.....and some would say we should not "evil-villian-ize" people...but why not if the shoe fits...

[Meh]

The right to do less than I am capable of.

Today I practiced exercising this right. As I was walking in the rain with a broken toe, I decided to complete that one errand and blow-off another task I had committed myself to doing that isn't even something that I'm fully invested in.
(The person who generated the project won't even be participating in it.....Uh-huh that's right)

Sometimes it's not good to give others 200-300% while giving ourselves 30%.

This day will pass and it will be a day where I did some things but not every single thing. AND I can live with that.

[Meh]

Remembering the wrongs and the reminding to self of the harms. Not even about holding bitterness.

To take everyday afresh is to not be reliving. To forget essential lessons like don't cross the street in front of a speeding truck is stupid. Forgetting and forgiving is also stupid.

 

[Meh]

Too much thinking happens sometimes. Too much process not even just what I write on the board, although I think it's constructive at times. Sometimes I need a rest from the whole world. Most of the conversations that I have, maybe not at all moments, but most have motives, and that is just the truth of life, we all have motives, the thing is I'm tired of emotionally accommodating other's conversations to me, about me. Like when I have to check in with a counselor type person.

I think the big thing for me the past few days is that I haven't been scurrying around like I usually do, and it's hard for me not to do this, I guess I believe that my scurry-ability is a strength of mine.

I feel like as long as I keep going, I'm going to outrun life before it catches up with me, like running from a tidal wave or something, just on the edge, but it's an activity that doesn't always have the results I would like it to have.....and I'm grasping for something here about the planning of life.

I'm facing this idea that is put on me that if only I had a good enough plan and enough talent and tried hard enough....that would be the solution.....but I've been around long enough to know that trying hard is not always the solution, and failure is not always due to lack of responsibility or effort.

This is part of the question of the DO KNOW....sometimes the answers are radically different for each person probably.

Every day I am facing more than one question and looking at/playing with or hating the answers I come up with to those questions.

The main big question I continue to be pressured to answer is how am I going to make a success of myself and with no nurturing of this process, no watering, no proper soil.

I've been looking into classes as an option in theory and all I feel is stressed out and PRESSURED to make decisions that are commitments of my TIME and MONEY.

Just the other day a student counselor for a dental hygienist program pretty much said that people have to have their life in order before they can get through that program.

The stupid counselor I'm talking to says I should take class to get my life in order.

--these types of conflicting statements make me feel uncomfortable and stressed out.

I just feel squeezed and like somehow I fall through the cracks......I just am not sure where is the right time and place and activity for me. I feel like I'm a different type of plant in the wrong green house, like a strawberry on a corn field, like an orchid under the wrong kind of light, I will keep on exploring.

Maybe the decisions one makes in life don't often feel 100% right. I'm just tired of making choices based on crisis or pressure or...I don't know I would like to make some choices that feel really good to me, like I can be fully invested in what I'm doing and believe in it.

--Back to I will keep exploring and maybe give the above a break, there is a certain feeling tone to this particular struggle I have, I have had this struggle before and I think it would be best if I just look at the whole thing from a very different perspective for once.

"THIS IS NOT FOR ME"  

This is a message I may get. I have had at times the message "THIS IS WHERE I BELONG"....but haven't always been able to act on that.

Can I make the kind of decisions I need to make for myself based on this sort of gut -feeling or reasoning....

I've been a student before it's not like it's anything new, I just don't feel RIGHT about trying to do this right now.

There has never been a RIGHT time for me though.

The right time for me would be in theory a time where there is not a GREAT RISK...
Or that there is a greater chance of success than failure...having to stop in mid-process and change direction again and again....